Young Writers Society

There's certainly a heightened feeling of emotion and drama from this poem expressed by the shift in formatting in flow - at the beginning it is in a reminiscent mood about the relationship between the two and the speaker realizes what's going on and becomes wrathful with their hurt so the lyrics shift to all caps and single lines rather than couplets.


I think that part where you put "(once William agreed)" is a little distracting - little asides like that in poetry + lyrics although sometimes good for context, end up distracting from the flow and narrative a bit too much I think, so would remove that portion.

Though this piece is listed as lyrics, it seemed more poetic than lyrical to me I think based on the un-evenness of the lines and lack of rhyme / sound-devices - for lyrical pieces I think you would find benefit in adding a little more repetition, sound-devices, and evening out some of the lines so that a reader might imagine how the writing sounds melodically.

Hope that helps!


alliyah

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

You’ve lied to me

You’ve kept the truth hidden from me

And now me and our-my son are now damaged because of your lust for power


I’m haunting this “place of joy” which you called home (once William agreed)

This place of joy brought nothing but



Sadness, work, and loneliness

We wanted to check up on it, so others wouldn’t destroy it

So that you didn’t have to

I know you check up on it every night

I knew William would want to help

So we went

But then you came with a smile on your face like no other


And I put two and two together

I’d never thought you’d murder us



I’d never thought you’d turn into this

I’m never getting you back, am I?


So if I’m not getting you back, I’LL TAKE YOU INSTEAD!


I’LL SEE HOW YOU’LL LIKE IT WHEN YOU’RE HURT!


I’LL SEE HOW YOU’LL LIKE IT WHEN YOU’RE ALONE!


I’LL SHOW YOU!

Hi, vampricone!

Ahh yes, I remember stumbling on this story from William's song! It's really cool that you're writing lyrics from the characters' perspectives. While reading, I can imagine these being sang like creepy lullabies in the haunted setting... >:D

I love the last few lines. Took a very dark turn, and it's even scarier with the capitalization. Seems like Lucas is aboutta get the scare of a lifetime.

One thing, though: I feel like these lyrics don't have as much rhythm compared to William's song or Isabella's song (non-reprise), so it was harder for me to imagine it being sung. But that's all. Great job and have a nice day!