Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time,there was a vampire named Ipos.He was happily in love with a woman named Moira Higgins,a witch.He thought she loved him too.They dated for an extremely long time.They even had a kid together.A girl named Vanessa.

But Moira broke up with him,stating that she only needed him to help her have a child.

He was crushed.He loved her dearly and she didn't love him back?!

Ipos left her,but he changed.He wanted the whole world to suffer from pain.Pain that he was feeling from having to leave his beloved and his daughter behind.

So,he started a cult.A vampire cult.A cult that would consist of vampires and kill to gain power.

After some time with the cult,Ipos recruited Auirella,a woman he had been watching for awhile.She was brave and clever.Perfect for the cult.

He made sure Auriella would join him,even if it was unwillingly.Why should he care? He didn't want to break up with Moira and he did.People deserved to suffer,like him.

Hi vamp!

I noticed you have a number of stories in the Green Room and in honour of this Spring Cleaning event I'm popping by to hopefully review a chunk of them for you. This one is pretty short, but I'll try and get through a few more today.

I like that you give that little bit of clarification at the beginning to help set where and when we are. Are you planning to put all of these into a collection together? I'd be interested to see how you order them if so.

The premise to this is interesting but it reads more like an intro to a story. Is there another one that links to it? If there is, this one could be used as a starting paragraph. If this story is standalone, it's very quick paced and there's a lot of telling the reader what has happened rather than showing. That's why I think this works well as an introduction. Otherwise, I think there are some parts that could be expanded on (him starting a cult for instance!)

One formatting note - it's common practice to put a space after punctuation like a comma or full stop. It also makes it easier to read.

Hope this was helpful.

Icy

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was a super inteteresting origin story. I likw how we kind of go back and forth in these stories.

Not very important but I would like to say this before I forget it. Could you please group the origin stories? I mean put origin stories of different stories under different categories? It's going to be a bit neater in that way. Also, it's going to be easy navigating through them. It's completely upto you though.

Coming to the story, I am again not sure of what to make of it. I sense some sort of mystery, some sort of connection between the different origin stories but I can't really figure out what it is. Oh it's very interesting how the first husband of her was a vampire too. All sorts of unexpected things are happening here. Hm... So that kind of violates the theory I made between the relation between Venessa and that second vpire(name out of mind). I would really like to know a bit about Venessa's feelings towards her father. Did she love him? Or did she have any sort of hatred towards him?

Anyway, hm...this vampire cult. I am not sure if this vampire cult in any way has any relation with the witch cult. I don't think so though. But one thing which I can actually think of this third husband perhaps is going to find this cult and then he is going to join this cult. Well, that is going to be another bad thing for the witches. We can clearly see the hatred towards the witches from the vampires. The witches deserve this though. I wonder about Auirella. Was she too a vampire or something? We will see this.

This is kind of going towards a moral ending. One's actions come back to them, after all. I also wonder if the other witches are like Venessa's mother. I mean all the witches we got to see(except Venessa) were cruel and torturous. I am going to support the vampires now.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever