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Heather and Loraine have splendid fun!

by vampricone6783


*This is a little story I made with Loraine’s friend,Heather.She’s from my story: “The clown and the little girl:Part Two.” You can also find stories with these characters in my last Halloween and Christmas tales.

2016-Cuttingham house-Heather Cuttingham’s bedroom.

Five year old Heather Cuttingham stared at her bedroom wall.

Would there be anything to do? No one else would play with her…



………………..

It was a sunny day when Heather was playing outside and-

“Hello!”

She grinned. It was her friend, Loraine!

“Hi!”

………………..

“Want to go play?”

“Sure!  Of course!”

“Then come on!”

“Okay!”



………………..

Loraine excitedly skipped to her house, Heather tailing after her.

She had very special friends. They were ghosts!

Everyone else was afraid, but not them!



………………..

“Just wait here. They’ll come.”

“I’m okay with waiting, Lolo.”

“Yeah!  Me too.”

………………..

They were patiently waiting for the ghosts in Loraine’s room.

Heather grinned. She knew that the voices in her closet were the ghosts.

They were coming!



………………..

The first ghost, a clown who performed long ago, was appearing from the closet. He was like a father to them.

He didn’t say much about his own life, though.

They often wondered why.

………………..

“Hello, girls!”

“Hi!”

“How are you today?”

“We’re fine. We just wanted to play.”

“Hm…okay. Well we have to get Mallory or else it won’t be fair!”

“Yes! Yes, of course!”

………………..

Mallory was his daughter who died from a sickness.

They didn’t know much else about the sickness. All they knew was that it was bad.

………………..

“Hello, Mallory!”

“We’re so glad to see you!”

“Me too.”

………………..



“Where are the others?”

“Gone for the day. It’s just us.”

“That’s good enough.”

………………..

And Heather was content to play with her friends, Loraine and Mallory.

It wasn’t like her older sister May had any time for her.

………………..



And they enjoyed their time together, the three of them.

Such great friends they were…


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Fri Dec 16, 2022 9:24 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: I think was this was a lovely little story here. Its so simple and just so wholesome that really what more can you even ask from something like this besides making you smile and this one certainly managed to accomplish that.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was a sunny day when Heather was playing outside and-

“Hello!”

She grinned. It was her friend, Loraine!

“Hi!”


Well this is seems like a pretty solid place to start here. It seems geared towards being a rather simple little story of two children finding someone to play with and this about all you could really want for a start with something so simple.

Loraine excitedly skipped to her house, Heather tailing after her.

She had very special friends. They were ghosts!

Everyone else was afraid, but not them!

“Just wait here. They’ll come.”

“I’m okay with waiting, Lolo.”

“Yeah! Me too.”


OOooh I was wondering when we were going to end up with the more supernatural aspects coming out to play because I've never seen a story of yours to not feature those and I was not disappointed. I can't wait to see where this takes us. I have a feeling this is perhaps a rare occurrence of a wholesome set of ghosts.

They were patiently waiting for the ghosts in Loraine’s room.

Heather grinned. She knew that the voices in her closet were the ghosts.

They were coming!

The first ghost, a clown who performed long ago, was appearing from the closet. He was like a father to them.

He didn’t say much about his own life, though.

They often wondered why.


OOooh I feel like I remember that clown from one of your origin stories but I'm not sure. At any rate I'm loving the very childlike enthusiasm of them just waiting for the ghosts all excited with no thought whatsoever of being scared or worried. Its such a different tone to what I'm used to seeing ghosts in and I love it.

“Hello, girls!”

“Hi!”

“How are you today?”

“We’re fine. We just wanted to play.”

“Hm…okay. Well we have to get Mallory or else it won’t be fair!”

“Yes! Yes, of course!”


Hmm well that's a bit of a twist. It looks like the ghosts aren't just the friends but the fact that some of them are quite clearly much older than the girls has also led to the ghosts being somewhat in charge of this playtime and where it goes.

“Hello, Mallory!”

“We’re so glad to see you!”

“Me too.”


Well this is nice to see these two reunited as ghosts and able to just have fun for a bit and play around again free of the sadness that must certainly have occurred from that untimely death there. Its a love little concept here.

“Where are the others?”

“Gone for the day. It’s just us.”

“That’s good enough.”

And Heather was content to play with her friends, Loraine and Mallory.

It wasn’t like her older sister May had any time for her.

And they enjoyed their time together, the three of them.

Such great friends they were…


Ahh that's a lovely little point to cap it off here. Some part of me never quite stopped worrying that just maybe this could end up taking a little dive towards the darker side here but it never did and I'm glad they just end up playing happily with each other.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: The only real improvement I would suggest to this one is that perhaps you should just get rid of the chapters, they're really quite tiny and honestly don't seem necessary at all. The whole things works just fine as one big single chapter.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




vampricone6783 says...


Alright. Thanks for your review, I%u2019ll go back to this.

And yes, you have read about the clown before.



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Reviews: 453

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Sat Sep 03, 2022 7:22 pm
Lib wrote a review...



hi there vampricone!

i'm back again to give you a review c:

Five year old Heather Cuttingham stared at her bedroom wall.

aww little kid is bored D:

Loraine excitedly skipped to her house,Heather tailing after her.

that was fast! haha children tend to be like that, so i can see why i guess :p

They were ghosts!

omg. i definitely was not expecting that

“I’m okay with waiting,Lolo.”

...for...what...

They were patiently waiting for the ghosts in Loraine’s room.

ohhhh ok ok so do they have like some sort of like ghostly-friend group that they meet up with all the time?

The first ghost,a clown who performed long ago,was appearing from the closet.He was like a father to them.

oh? interesting how they've made a ghost their father, or at least see him as one. but then again, these are kids, so why not lol. aww and his daughter, rip, that's sad.

Such great friends they were..

yay! and they lived happily ever after i guess!

--

alright... so that was an interesting story. there was a beginning, middle, and end, so that's good. there was a main character and her sidekick i guess you could say. the clown lowkey seemed like he was going to harm them, but then his daughter was mentioned and i felt kinda bad for him.

i've noticed that in your stories your pattern with the chapters is the same. usually i notice that the chapters are barely a few lines, and that way, you're able to fit a lot of chapters into one publish! impressive, honestly, but that takes away from all the good stuff :( the description and the little details! :) readers love to be able to imagine what's going on in the surrounding area of the characters so they can get a real feel on what's happening. details keep readers engaged and happy.

i'm pretty sure i mentioned this in my previous review, but just for the sake of it, i'll mention it again! c: imagine you're watching a movie. think of heather and loraine's story as a movie. that'll help with the details, because then you'd be thinking about what's happening around them.

for example, in the introduction, it kind of feels like it's the beginning of a script:
2016-Cuttingham house-Heather Cuttingham’s bedroom.

Five year old Heather Cuttingham stared at her bedroom wall.

Would there be anything to do? No one else would play with her..


show me her bedroom, what does it look like? what time of day is it? is there anyone else with her? was she doing anything? does she live in a big house? i mean there's whole name for it, cuttingham house, so i'd expect it to be lol. ask questions, question upon question, all the time!

maybe try something like this:

It was a Saturday morning and Heather Cuttingham had just finished cleaning up her playroom. She asked her mom to play with her dolls in her room, but she was too busy working. She asked her older sister, May, but she didn't listen either.

She walked back into her room. It was full of toys and full of games and activates, but no one ever played with her, so she didn't see it as something very useful.


something along the lines of that, and possibly more! we love a nice spice of detail and description. readers will be hooked and they'll want to know more. try it some time! it would make the end of the chapters and the beginning of the next chapter seem less abrupt as well. if you have any questions about this, please let me know and i'd love to help or provide you with more resources if you'd prefer that. :)

alright well, that's it for my review then. hopefully this was useful, and i can't wait to see more from you! <3

~lib




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Sat Sep 03, 2022 6:01 pm
LadyBug wrote a review...



Hi again! Jade here to leave you a review on your story! To begin, I won’t bring back anything I mentioned in a previous review about format or prose; I will just talk about your dialogue this time, and what I think could be improved upon.


“Want to go play?”

“Sure! Of course!”

“Then come on!”

“Okay!”


Is this a whole chapter, for something that could be summed up in a sentence or two? I would re-write this to be PART of a chapter, and more structured. For example:

“Want to play with me?”

“Sure, let’s go!”

The girls wander outside to find a game they both enjoyed. The sun was setting slowly, but they weren’t focused on the time....


Something like that, it gives us conversation but also a background into where they are, the time, and what the scene looks like.

Another small nitpick I have is with how little you set up relationships among the speakers. For example: Mallory was a little girl (His daughter) who died from a sickness.

You don't need to put daughter in parenthesis, little girl already explains it. While this is a great line and gives the story weight, you could have said, "his daughter, Mallory," even though we get that from context clues, or could be sprinkled out throughout.

That being said, I did really enjoy your story. You have a very unique style of writing that captures attention, and is a lot of fun. I enjoy your stories!

Jade





The sun can square up and fight me. Apollo is just another bi disaster, and I could take him.
— AlmostImmortal