Hello there! Stopping by for a quick review of this delightful little work. It's nice to read a spooky Halloween story in the middle of winter!
I appreciate the establishment of the setting - descriptions of the candy, the children on the streets, the moon. What I would love to see is more of the house. Try elaborating on "tree-branch covered" element, for example. How much of the house can they see? Are there any lights on the property, or is it just the moonlight and the streetlamps that are lighting their way?
It surprised me when Amabel and Corvina were able to so effortlessly enter the house. Have they been to this house before and knew it would be unlocked? Perhaps there was no door at all? Perhaps an overgrown oak had split open a wall, or an old fire opened a black gaping maw where the garage door should be?
What I recommend focusing the most on is SUSPENSE. Take your time with this story. Allow the reader to dwell in the spookiness of all. For instance:
When they were inside, they called out:
“Zeze! Zuzu! Come get us!”
Not a response came, so they giggled and continued to do it, skipping and dancing all the way.
Nothing came of it, but they got a good laugh. They were just about to leave, when…
This part especially could really benefit from being drawn out. Describe the creaking floorboards and the spiderwebs and the vintage clown decorations. I wasn't given enough time to properly anticipate the danger or feel that delicious onset of dread that is key to horror stories. I do love that the girls are all giggly and fearless, actually seeking out danger - it's unique and morbid considering their fates!
Very well done on this first draft! Keep up the spooky work.
Points: 6836
Reviews: 440
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