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12+ Violence Mature Content

Ghost Girls: Part Two

by vampricone6783


+This is part two of my story “Ghost Girls”. I have an edited, longer version of this called: “The town of Richardson: part two”. This is a crossover between another story I wrote called “Merry Xmas”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*



Chapter One-Avita’s new home

It had been one year since Avita and her family had left The Town of Richardson,the haunted town that burned to the ground.

They had moved to the Adirondacks,where her parents were sure didn’t have any “freaky weather incident.”

But fourteen year old Avita knew better.She and a ghost named William HAD to burn the town,so they could stop the restless little girl spirits,Leona and Amelia,from killing everyone in it.

After moving (again),Her parents had found a high school for her.

She was going to be a freshman.

As if that didn’t have it’s own problems,Avita also shared her body with the ghost of a thirteen year old boy,William.William never possessed her,but who knew what he would and wouldn’t do?

Avita sat up from her bed and looked out the window.

“Behave yourself,William.” She whispered for only William to hear.

Chapter Two-Meeting Ava

It was the first day of school and Avita was walking in the huge building.She saw posters for clubs and people talking amongst themselves.

She carried her schedule and books in her arms.(Her backpack was already filled to the brim with school supplies.There was no room for her books.)

What is this place? William asked inside of her head.

“It’s school,that’s what this is.Your High Schools might have looked different in the 90s.” Avita whispered.She didn’t want people to think she was talking to herself.

Avita was so busy looking around,she didn’t notice the short haired girl walking.

“OW!” Avita yelled.She accidentally bumped into her.

“Sorry.” Avita said.

“No problem.I’ll help you with this stuff.What’s your name?” The girl asked,helping her with stuff.

“Avita.Avita Charlotte.You?” Avita asked.

“Ava.Ava Addams.Do you want to sit next to me later in Lunch?” Ava asked.

“Sure.” Avita said.

Chapter Three-Lunch and a plan to meet each other

So,Avita sat down,next to Ava.She really liked talking to her and thought to herself:Maybe I’ll make a friend after all.

“Do you want to come hang out at my house? You know,to get to know each other?” Ava asked.

“Get to know each other? We just met and now you’re inviting me to your house?” Avita asked.

“Sorry for sounding rude,I’m just surprised.Of course I’ll come over.” Avita said.

Chapter Four-Possession

After school and going home to do homework,Avita heard a knock on the front door.

Avita walked downstairs to see who it was.

It was Ava,getting ready to pick her up.

Just as she was about to leave,her Mom saw her.

“Where do you think you’re going,Avita?” Her Mom asked,raising and eyebrow.

“I’m just going to hang out with this girl,Ava.I think she wants to be my friend.” Avita said.

“Alright,but I don’t want you staying over for a sleepover.You just met her,after all.” Her Mom said.

“Fine,whatever.It’s not like she’s going to kill me or anything.” Avita said.Her Mom always worried about her when she was meeting new people.

So,Ava walked Avita over to her house.

When they were there,Ava asked:”What do you want to do?”

Suddenly,Avita’s eyes flashed green and she said in a voice that wasn’t hers:”GET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID PLACE!”

As quickly as it happened,Avita’s eyes turned brown again.

Ava stood there,shocked.

“What happened? Did somebody die?” Avita asked.

“You just got possessed by a ghost.It’s fine,I dealt with ghosts last Christmas. I didn’t even know they were ghosts.I thought they were homeless people.I didn’t realize they were ghosts until I buried their bones.” Ava said,shrugging.

Then,two little girls who looked like they just left a fire appeared in the air.

One had shorter hair.Leona.

The other had longer hair.Amelia

“Long time,no see.” The girls said to Avita,smiling.

“I think I know what we should do.” Ava said.

“What?” Avita asked.

“Let’s go talk to some ghosts!” Ava yelled excitedly.

Chapter Five-a horrible discovery

So,Avita asked Leona and Amelia a question:

“Why are you guys here? I thought me and William sent you to Heaven.”

Leona and Amelia snickered.

“One could ask William the same thing. “ They  said.Then,their faces got serious.

“The gates to Heaven won’t open.So,if you can’t go to Heaven,you’ll have to go inside a human body or you’ll have to just be energy.For most of the time,we’re just energy.We can only have our physical forms for a few minutes.” They said.

Avita glared at her reflection in the mirror.

“William,is THIS why you chose to be in my body? So you couldn’t be a floating ball of energy most of the time?! Because the gates of Heaven wouldn’t open?” Avita asked her reflection.

One of her eyes flashed green.

“That and because I have a crush on you.” He said.

“Look! It’s the ghosts I met last Christmas!” Ava screamed.

Avita turned to look at what Ava was looking at.

Chapter Six-The other ghosts

There were three ghosts standing where Ava was pointing.Only,these ghosts had black angel wings.

One Ghost was a man.He had dirt and blood all over him.The other was a boy who died at the same age William died.He was thirteen and also had dirt and blood on him.The last ghost was a little girl in a pink dress,she had dirt and blood on her too.

“Why are these ghosts so…dirty and bloody?” Avita asked Ava.

Ava didn’t say anything.

“Because we died from suffering. That’s why.” The man said, a hint of bile in his voice.

The man introduced himself as Sandy Chriselle and the father of Jack and Susan Chriselle.Avita,Ava,William,Leona and Amelia introduced themselves too.

“Now that we all have cleared introductions,I want to ask you guys a question.Are the gates to Heaven being locked? Are you having the same troubles as Leona,Amelia and William?” Ava asked them.

They nodded.Although,Susan looked like she had a secret.

“Care to tell us your secret,Susan?” Ava asked her.

She was about to say something,but then Leona and Amelia used their powers and teleported everyone out of the house.

Chapter Seven-Parents

“Why did you do that?!” Avita asked the girls.

“Because these are the people that are destroying Heaven.” Leona and Amelia said.They were standing in William’s run down circus,in the burned up Town of Richardson.

They pointed to a demon man in a circus suit and a demon woman in a blue dress.

“That’s our Mom.” Jack and Susan said.

“That’s my Dad.” William said.

“Are these the people that are destroying Heaven?” Ava asked.

“Yes and I’m going to help you.” A bleeding woman with curly black hair said.

“MOM!” William yelled happily.

Chapter Eight-Susan’s secret

The woman frowned.Then,she looked into his eyes and recognized him.

“William…you were four years old the last time I saw you .You’ve gotten so big.” She said.

Then,her face darkened.

“How old are you?”

“Thirteen.” He said.

“You died at…thirteen?” She asked.Then,she hugged him.

Avita and Ava knew there wasn’t much time to be wasted.So,while William was talking to his Mom,who had introduced herself to the group as Isabella,they turned to Susan.

“Susan,do you want to tell us your secret that Leona and Amelia said you had?” Ava asked.

“I…I stopped everyone from going to Heaven,because My Mom and William’s Dad were corrupting it and I wanted to keep everyone safe.” Susan said.

“LOOK!” Leona screamed.

Chapter Nine-Disintegrating ghosts

Avita and Ava turned around.

The ghosts were disintegrating.Why,you ask? Because Ms.Chriselle and Mr.Ladouceur (William’s Dad) were destroying Heaven and the ghosts ended up having no place to go.

Avita,Ava and Isabella wouldn’t let that happen.Even though Isabella might disappear at any second,she still wanted to help.

“Avita,hold one of my hands.Ava,hold another.Now just imagine Mr.Ladouceur and Ms.Chriselle disappearing.”

They did just that.When they opened their eyes,they were gone.

The ghosts became angels and  didn’t have their physical wounds anymore.

Chapter Ten-Sending them to Heaven

“What’s happening?” Avita asked Isabella.

“You two helped us pass on.We’re going to Heaven.” Isabella said.

“Thank you…for everything.” William said.

“You’re welcome.” Avita said.

The two girls and friends watched as the ghosts went to Heaven.

When they were all gone,Ava asked:

“So Avita,do you want to go watch a movie at my house? Maybe pick something that DOESN’T have to do with ghosts?” Ava asked.

“Sure!” Avita said.

So they went to watch a movie at Ava’s house.


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Mon Jun 05, 2023 9:55 pm
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Rose wrote a review...



Aloha!

How's life treating you, like a flaming marshmallow or a floating unicorn?
As you may already know, I'm here with a review for the second part of the "Ghost Girls" with some shell-ightful insights.
Despite my many walks through the green room in search of some works to read and of course to review, I absolutely cannot believe that I didn't notice the second part of this incredible story. But I am glad I did now.

As you may already know, I really enjoy reading your stories, not only because you have a huge imagination, but also because almost all of your stories have the one genre that I absolutely love: Thrillers.

Most of your stories revolve around these two themes: Murder and ghosts. And you have a very unique way of bringing your stories to life, even if it is a short story or a full-length novel.
Sometimes I wonder why you stick to these themes, not that I don't enjoy them, no, I most definitely enjoy them, but it's just that my mysterious mind senses something mysterious...

I have read so many of your remarkable stories that I have no idea which one is my favorite. You truly are a talented writer.
But I will not fill this review only with compliments that you may have heard from me or others, but I will give some ideas for improvement. Please do not take these ideas as criticism, as I am only trying to be helpful.

My starting point is the pacing of your story, which I think could use a little boost.
You have a good plot with everything going on and with it, including several twists and dark turns. But as a reader, I feel like you can get a bit confused at some points, therefore, I would suggest to improve the pacing of the story.

For example this part:

Suddenly,Avita’s eyes flashed green and she said in a voice that wasn’t hers:”GET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID PLACE!”

As quickly as it happened,Avita’s eyes turned brown again.

Ava stood there,shocked.

“What happened? Did somebody die?” Avita asked.

“You just got possessed by a ghost.It’s fine,I dealt with ghosts last Christmas. I didn’t even know they were ghosts.I thought they were homeless people.I didn’t realize they were ghosts until I buried their bones.” Ava said,shrugging.

I was a little confused by this part of the story. William suddenly possessed Avita, which I could follow a bit because Avita had her doubts about him earlier in the story.
But why would William want to leave the place? And why a sudden act of rage? I was also confused when Ava said that she had talked to ghosts before, I was actually waiting for an explanation because it didn't make much sense.

You might want to consider slowing down the pace of the story a bit and maybe add more descriptions. This might also improve the flow of the story.
But don't over-explain things, and definitely don't feel like explaining anything if you're writing about some mysterious event with a dark twist. Descriptions in such situations can sometimes be just the thing to make it all the more intriguing.

As for punctuation, to make the story flow better, I would also suggest improving the punctuation. This could also help the reader to understand the story better. What you could also do is write the chapter names bold or in a larger font size.

You can also improve the character development in your story. Maybe you could go deeper into their minds and give us some information about why they think the way they do or act the way they do. Describing more of their appearance might also help. Your readers will be able to better understand and live with your character.

For dark, mysterious characters, you can definitely add their thoughts to make the story more interesting. But remember to write their thoughts in such a way that if they have a secret to hide, it still remains an unsolved mystery.

I hope that my review has been helpful to you. Keep on brewing more outstanding potions and keep on mixing them into remarkable stories.

Image

Me,

Red Riddle Rose




vampricone6783 says...


Thank you for reading! I have an edited version of this called %u201CThe town of Richardson: part two%u201D and if you want to read about how Ava met the ghosts, you can read my story %u201CMerry Xmas%u201D.



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Tue May 30, 2023 9:11 pm
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Kaia wrote a review...



Well, I guess I get to be the first person to leave a review, here. Wahoo!
Awesome chapter, once again! Clearly, you have an amazing imagination, one that I hope to pry into another time to see what other evil tales and mysteries you have created.

That aside. I certainly was not expecting what happened here. I sort of expected the ghost business to be over once they moved away, but apparently not. You certainly had me believing that when you introduced Ava. She seemed so normal, maybe a bit unusually friendly to just invite her new friend over to her house on a total whim, but not particularly out of the ordinary besides that. But, as I read further, I realized that she knew about these ghosts and even recognized them! That was an amazing twist that I very much enjoyed. I could go on to give you some suggestions on how to improve that scene, but I think you mentioned this is version one, and what an excellent first draft this made! I'll have to check out your edited version when I get the chance.

I did get a bit confused between all the ghosts, and I wasn't quite sure why they all appeared at once. There were so many names, it got confusing. Like, who are Jack and Susan? Their parents are ruining the world that all the ghosts are supposed to go to, but how?

I will definitely say, though, that these questions may not need explaining. This was such an odd series of events, maybe an open-end like that may be a good thing. ;) Either way, I enjoyed reading it. The style used here is simple and easy to follow-something that made the the whole story appear to be one of those ghost stories that people traditionally tell around a campfire.

Lastly, I want to mention that I thought it interesting that both of the living girls who were aware of the ghosts had names starting with A. I'm sure that was coincidence...or was it?

Overall, great job! Again, many complements to your hard work to rewrite an even better version of this. I'm sure the hard work paid off, and I will have to go investigate when I get the chance the new version. ;)

Have a great week!
-Kaia




vampricone6783 says...


Thank you for reviewing! You too. :)

If you want to read about how Ava met the other ghosts, you can read my story %u201CMerry Xmas%u201D.

Their names starting with A was coincidence.



Kaia says...


You're welcome!
I might check that out. Thanks!

I figured it was just coincidence. I was just being silly, lol.




"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein