Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
*This is the origin of a character from my “The Playground” stories. It picks off of Vivian Gladys’ origin. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*
Juliet turned to look at Evan Abbett, who was transfixed in horror. Vivian Gladys was just…gone. So fast, Juliet had ripped her apart.
Juliet grinned a yellowed, rotten smile at Evan.
Before he could run, Juliet snatched him in her arms.
“You didn’t think that I would just forget about you, did I?” Juliet asked.
Evan kicked and screamed, but Juliet just held him tightly close with one arm, almost choking him, but not quite.
With one hand, she pulled out his eye.
Evan winced as he heard it roll onto the dirt, as if it were only a rubber ball.
With that same hand, Juliet took out his other eye.
Evan couldn’t see anymore, but he could feel himself being thrown on the ground, like a sack of rocks.
Speaking of which, the pebbles in the dirt seemed to be poking his skin, small thorns seeping into his flesh.
“MmMMfarguRRh!” Evan screamed. It was a garbled, alien scream.
Juliet had ripped off one of his legs.
“That’s pain, little one. That’s how pain feels. It isn’t anything like my own, but it’s still what you deserve.” Juliet said.
She did the same to his other leg, another throaty scream gargling from within him.
“Whhy…whhy arre youuu doinggg thisss?” Evan asked. His speech was slurred. He was losing consciousness, losing control to scream and speak.
“Why am I doing this?! Why am I doing this?!” Juliet asked.
She laughed before ripping off both of his arms with both claws. That’s what they were, really. They weren’t hands, they were contorted claws.
“Because I have the power now!” Juliet screeched, a delirious, bloodthirsty banshee.
Evan lost Vivian…his little brother, Samuel…his own life…everything.
If he had eyes, he would have cried.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi! I'm here to leave an extra quick review using the YWS S'more Method!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
Okay, so I think I read Vivian Glady's origin for this story, so I know a little bit of context. This is definitely one of your more violent stories, because of, you know, the removal of body parts and such. But it is an interesting story! There's a lot of emotion and sadness in this story, not just the violence, which is what makes it interesting.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I think the story could use a little more detail about when Evan's legs and eyes and other stuff are ripped off. As in, how did it feel, or what emotions or memories did it trigger. I mean, something like this doesn't happen every day, so it would be helpful to provide some mental and visual detail about that. I was also confused because I wasn't sure what Juliet used to cut them off at first, and how did it happen so quickly?
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I think you did a good job at describing emotions overall, as this scene will definitely make the character have a lot of frightened and worried thoughts. The details about Evan's feelings about what was happening were decent and pretty clear. It helped us understand the character better.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Ultimately, this was a great addition to the story and shows some good character development. I hope you will maybe be continuing this series! And best of luck in RevMo!
Good luck in your writing endeavors, fellow writer!
hey vampricone, just popping by for a short review this evening!
I like all the tension here. The short sentences make the pace work well and really add to the suspense. I would consider removing the 'Juliet asked' from the end of this because I think it makes her line less impactful, and it's pretty clear who's speaking anyway.
This feels very matter of fact - I would imagine him to be screaming now, even before the bit with the pebbles poking him.
This was a really good last line and perfectly fits the tone.
Overall my only addition would be to up the reactions Evan has. He screams a bit, but his reaction doesn't seem relative to all the horrible things happening to him.
Hope this was helpful! I see you've tagged me for another piece, so I'll get to that one as soon as I can.
Icy