Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
*This is the origin of a character from my “The Playground” stories. This is the last origin in this series. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. You may read other stories that connect to this one underneath my “The Playground” folder. Enjoy!*
Seven year old Samuel was with his friend, Vicky, following a rotting corpse bride woman named Juliet at 12:30 A.M. , in a dark forest.
They were curious as ever to where she’d take them…
They ended up in a carnival and Juliet said:
“I’d like for you to meet the groom..”
A decaying, rotten clown that smelled of rancid, spoiled eggs appeared out of the darkness and snatched Samuel.
“W-w-what are you going to do w—w-with Vicky?” Samuel asked, panic creeping up his spine as the clown dragged him to a ripped up tent.
“Don’t worry about her, worry about yourself.” The clown said, ripping him open with his claws.
Samuel couldn’t even scream, the blood crawled up his throat and dribbled down.
But his torture was only just beginning.
The clown, with both bloody claws, grabbed Samuel’s arms and-
RIPPPPP
Samuel stared in horror at the gore before him.
“HehE…had enough?” The clown asked.
“Mmphhmpmugh-“
“Oh, you want more?” He smiled at the poor boy, who only knew that whatever was coming next was going to be terrible-
“Alright, more it is!” The clown giggled.
Quicker than Satan’s grasp, the clown tore out the child’s eyes, done with the evil.
Samuel just lay there, a pitiful heap of odd-textured flesh and ruby red liquid pooling around him…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this was a bit of a more classic situation here, looks like quite the horrifying origin there, no frills whatsoever to that, just dragged into a horrifying place and meeting a horrifying end.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Oh dear. I've heard of corpse brides here, but looks like we're taking things up a notch in classic vampricone style and we have ourselves a whole groom coming into the picture a well.
Oh dear, well looks like this one's one of those fully horror works here as we're just absolutely descending down on pure chaos and gore there. Samuel is not remaining a non corpse person for all the long it would seem.
Oh dear, that's just going from one horror to the next and from the looks of it there is absolutely no hope of slowing down any time soon. Looks like things are gong to end very badly here.
Welp I have seen worse things happen to your characters so I suppose it could've been even worse but as far as deaths go, that's quite a rough way to go right there that's for sure.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall quite nicely done as usual. Not too much to say here, a classic moment of someone being tricked by a friend into quite a horrible situation before being quite literally torn to pieces.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hey vampricone! I'm going to leave a short review for this origin story.
This was definitely the most gruesome story of yours I have read. I was not expecting the ending to be so sad...but you definitely conveyed a lot of sadness at the end. The last sentence was very graphic and had a lot of violent imagery, furthermore showing how horrible his death was.
I liked how you established mood and emotion in this story. Like when Samuel was stuttering, that really expresses how scared he is in the situation. And also when the clown giggled, it showed that it truly could only become worse, and the clown was just pure evil.
I think there were a few times in the story where you could be more specific.
One time was when Samuel and Juliet arrived at the carnival. I think you could describe the carnival, what it looked like, what kind of mood it had, and if any, what it smelled like. Even if you described it in previous stories, it would be helpful to know Samuel's perspective on it.
Another time was when the clown ripped open Samuel. You didn't specify where exactly he ripped him open - was it in the chest, or the stomach, or somewhere else?
Lastly, Samuel made the sound "Mmphhmpmugh" because he couldn't speak. Why couldn't he speak? Was there blood in his mouth, or did the clown rip out his mouth? Or maybe he gagged him? Knowing this might help the reader imagine the scene better.
Overall, though this story was short, it was an important continuation of this story, and I think there was a lot of emotion in it, especially at the end. Keep writing!
Oi! Looks like I'm gonna hit you with the uno reverse card this time! Without further ado...
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
It is time for the gruesome S’more…
Top Graham Cracker - A young boy named Samuel and his friend Vicky find themselves within a dark forest, trailing behind a dead body outfitted like a bride of all things. Horrifying, truly, but the worst is yet to come when they meet the groom!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - In my opinion, more descriptive elements could be introduced. What we get is really good, and I wouldn't suggest padding it with so much description that the short story overstays its welcome. Just a little more description of the fear and intrigue of the children, the appearance and grotesqueness of the corpses, and the details of the brutal assault that happens at the end of the story, would help build the sense of immersion and dread!
Chocolate Bar - Hook. The Hook landed, hook line and sinker! Two children trailing a corpse bride in a dark forest? Admittedly, I haven't checked out the former entries into this series. Despite that, the opening scene and the contents of this story absolutely hooked me enough to interest me in what lead up to this point, and made me want to follow whatever events happen next! Oh, and the sheer brutality of Samuel's fate was very daring and shocking, and I happen to be a sucker for works that take me by surprise with their boldness.
Closing Graham Cracker - Well then... Samuel appears to be dead, poor guy. As bad as I feel for him, I'm curious what exactly the corpse monsters plan on doing with Vicky. Somehow, I wouldn't be surprised if an even worse fate were dealt to her.
I wish you a lovely day/night!
Thank you! :>