Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this is a neat little piece here showing the way Conrad takes the death of Philippa and then it seems the steps he takes next there are quite well thought out here. We'll see where this goes.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Just yesterday, On November 17th, 1993, Sixteen year old Philippa Anne Morison was found dead in her family kitchen by Forty-Seven year old Annetta Morison and Three year old Lily Morison. No visible wounds were found, death was ruled as suicide.

Police have found a bottle of rat poison in the kitchen cabinet, Annetta and Jacob refused to let Philippa have an autopsy. Philippa had been cremated, the parents refused to be questioned.

The Morison Circus is still open, however, may be suspected to close.

Questions are still being asked on the exact nature of Philippa’s death.

Well this is a lovely start to things. I think its quite realistic to how an article would go, nice little headline and then just the immediately important sentence there of what's happened, the probable cause and of course the immediate effects of it. Quite nicely done that.

Conrad threw the newspaper across the room, eyes covered with tears. No, he didn’t sob violently, but the tears were still there, spilling from his eyes.

Philippa did kill herself, there was no doubt about it, but the nature of their parents was one of the factors. They pushed her to her limits. They wanted her to perform, and only her. Lily was too young, and Conrad wasn’t “much of a freak”.

What did he do about it? He left as soon as he turned of age. He left Philippa alone in all of the trouble, left her to fend for herself, to be with her parents, and…Violet.

Well you can certainly see Conrad feeling quite terribly about this situation, you could see how it was playing out in those earlier stories for Philippa. Its interesting see those thoughts come across here in the way that they do.

There was something off about Violet. For example, why did Violet want so badly to be in a relationship with Philippa after Jennifer’s death? Philippa told him before he left that she wasn’t worried, that Violet only loved her.

And he believed her. He didn’t stick around. He wasn’t an older brother for her.

There was nothing Conrad could do about Philippa. She was dead, lost to ashes. Perhaps Jennifer was waiting on the other side for Philippa, if such a place existed.

But he could take Lily. It’d be a long and harrowing custody battle, but worth it. He had to try. He had to protect Lily while he still could. She was so young, so vulnerable.

Conrad got up from his armchair and ran upstairs to pack his bags.

Well goodd to see that he does admit that he failed her there but it seems like he really learnt from that and is nice that he's now going to put in the effort that he needs to in order to make things better for his other sister. That's a nice moment there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a lovely little short here, a small little moment of Conrad learning his mistakes, accepting them and then actually learning and making a change there. Its a lovely little tale.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate

Hey there vampricone6783! My name's Atticus, and I'm stopping by for a quick review. I hope you don't mind if I structure things by bullet points, as I think that will help me organize my thoughts best. Let's get into it:

• Opening by sharing an excerpt of a newspaper was a clever idea that I found to be very effective. The newspaper description was clinical and intriguing, which sets up a nice contrast to the emotion displayed by Conrad later on in the story. It also does a nice job of providing the details that the reader needs to know without going into too much detail. This strikes a great balance of information sharing in the premise of your story.
• There are a lot of characters introduced here. I am getting the impression this may be part of a larger narrative, in which case this may make more sense to people who have read other stories, but for me it felt like too many people to keep track of. I found myself rereading the introductory paragraphs to see if Violet or Jessica had been mentioned previously, and they hadn't. I counted seven characters introduced here (in what I'm approximating to be like 400 words), which is pushing it in terms of the reader's ability to remember who's who and why they're relevant to the story. I'd suggest cutting a few or introducing them later.
• Pacing wise, it felt as though things moved pretty fast. There are a lot of major plot points introduced: Philippa's death, their parents being sketchy, Violet maybe having something to do about it, and then the plan to take custody of Lily. I feel as though focusing only on Philippa's death for this installment may be beneficial, with some possible foreshadowing of future plot points. Currently I felt that this installment was rushed.

All in all, however, this was an interesting short story that piqued my interest, and I hope to be able to see more from you in the future! The narrative had an interesting shape and development, and your writing and characterization was solid throughout. I hope my feedback was helpful to you. Please feel free to reach out with any questions.

Best,
Atticus