Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

She couldn’t do it anymore.

She couldn’t let them hurt her again.

She had to strike back like the most sickening demon to have ever existed.

She was more than they’d ever be.

She had to show them.

Hi there, vampricone! I was intrigued when I saw this piece was classified as "other", so I came to see what it's all about!

After reading this, I could see it falling under a couple categories - a short poem, a snippet of a character's inner dialogue, a mantra, or maybe you had something else entirely in mind! But it doesn't fall clearly into any of these genres, so I can see why you'd prefer to leave it more ambiguous.

If I were look at this as a poem, I can see a lot of use of repetition. At the start of each line you have "she [verb]", and that has the effect of really emphasizing "she" as a subject, whoever she may be. If I were to look at it as inner dialogue, it very much comes across as someone feeling like they've reached their last straw and trying to figure out what to do about it. Or, as a mantra even - the use of italics make it feel a bit chant-like, to me, and so I can imagine someone using this as a series of motivational phases for when they feel mistreated by those around them.

Since this is so short, I would suggest avoiding repetition that isn't intentional for effect. For example, the first two lines both end with "anymore", but it's not really part of a pattern, it just happens to get repeated twice. But when a text is so short, you have to make every word punchy! And that can mean carefully looking at every single word to make sure it's a) not causing unnecessary repetition and b) the most precise, emotive way of conveying an idea.

She couldn’t let them hurt her anymore. -> She couldn't let them hurt her one more time.

She had to strike back in some way. -> She had to strike back like a viper.

Hey vampricone! looseleaf here with a short review.

I must say, I didn't truly understand this, mostly because I was missing the context/previous parts of the story, but I must say you have intrigued me! The sentences are short and ominous, and leave the reader wondering what Phantom's mom is going to do next.

Your grammar is perfect, except my spell-checker is saying "be" in the fourth sentence should be "been." I don't think that's correct, though. Speaking of the fourth sentence, it's definitely my favorite out of all of your lines. It sends a message to me that Phantom's mom has been struggling to prove herself, despite knowing that she is better than them all along (this is supported by the first and second sentences). Also, the third line tells me that she's going to choose violence or something drastic to retaliate against whoever "them" is.

I think this could be a lovely start or end of a chapter/short story! It would either make the reader immediately interested in the story if you put it in the beginning, or leave the readers desperate to learn more if you put it at the end. It would be great either way!

Anyways, that's all from me today. I hope you have a great weekend and happy reviewing!