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Cassandra is tired of being bullied

by vampricone6783

*This character is Phantom’s Mom when she was a teen.Cassandra is from my story “The story of Phantom Yandere.” Gacha Club character designs are on my wall.

She couldn’t do it anymore.

She couldn’t let them hurt her again.

She had to strike back like the most sickening demon to have ever existed.

She was more than they’d ever be.

She had to show them.

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4153 Reviews

Points: 266274
Reviews: 4153

Tue Dec 20, 2022 9:06 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

She couldn’t do it anymore.

She couldn’t let them hurt her again.

She had to strike back like the most sickening demon to have ever existed.

She was more than they’d ever be.

She had to show them.

Well this is where I find myself on my quest to track down as many of your stories as possible. This one seemed very intriguing because it was so different from one of your normal pieces. I don't know if I have ever quite seen something like this from you before and it really proves to be very intriguing, especially because I'm wondering exactly what was the effect you were trying to achieve with this.

In this form it really gives me the feeling of a poem, but unlike having its meaning be buried under many layers like poems often have this one appears to be a direct declaration, one that reads like a threat at the same time as it appears to also be a plea for help and decision by Cassandra to change her life around and get back at everyone trying to bring her down.

Despite being so short, I think it packs quite the punch, especially in terms of the meaning behind these words because we see that Cassandra appears to be put down so much because she's someone who tries to be better than all of her bullies. Its also an interesting arc to see someone who seems to have been good and kept the moral high ground simply get so fed up that they give into their darkest thoughts there.

All in all, this one really makes you think quite a lot here. Its a powerful little piece that I think captures a lot more ideas that reveal themselves one by one the more times you manage to read it.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe

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455 Reviews

Points: 22123
Reviews: 455

Sat Sep 10, 2022 12:48 am
Hijinks wrote a review...

Hi there, vampricone! I was intrigued when I saw this piece was classified as "other", so I came to see what it's all about!

After reading this, I could see it falling under a couple categories - a short poem, a snippet of a character's inner dialogue, a mantra, or maybe you had something else entirely in mind! But it doesn't fall clearly into any of these genres, so I can see why you'd prefer to leave it more ambiguous.

If I were look at this as a poem, I can see a lot of use of repetition. At the start of each line you have "she [verb]", and that has the effect of really emphasizing "she" as a subject, whoever she may be. If I were to look at it as inner dialogue, it very much comes across as someone feeling like they've reached their last straw and trying to figure out what to do about it. Or, as a mantra even - the use of italics make it feel a bit chant-like, to me, and so I can imagine someone using this as a series of motivational phases for when they feel mistreated by those around them.

Since this is so short, I would suggest avoiding repetition that isn't intentional for effect. For example, the first two lines both end with "anymore", but it's not really part of a pattern, it just happens to get repeated twice. But when a text is so short, you have to make every word punchy! And that can mean carefully looking at every single word to make sure it's a) not causing unnecessary repetition and b) the most precise, emotive way of conveying an idea.

She couldn’t let them hurt her anymore. -> She couldn't let them hurt her one more time.

^ is one way to eliminate repetition!

She had to strike back in some way. -> She had to strike back like a viper.

^ the word "strike" is super effective, but choosing some other description instead of "some way" here could take the line to the next level!

Overall, this way definitely an interesting read. I can't say I'm entirely sure of what it's meant to be, even after reading it, but one of the great things about creative writing is you don't have to put your writing in a box! And this seems like a great way of fleshing out a character to try and figure out their emotions, motives, inner thoughts, etc.


vampricone6783 says...

Thank you! I edited it to look better.

Read %u201CThe story of Phantom Yandere%u201D to understand.

I wanted to make Cassandra (the character) have a reason for being evil. A long time ago I put this story on a site and someone I didn%u2019t need a backstory for her as they understood the entire story. But I gave it more thought and wanted to make more stuff. I just don%u2019t know how to really flesh out this character.

This was a start. Maybe I will come up with more in the future. In the meantime, I will be working on other stories and other characters.

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142 Reviews

Points: 1992
Reviews: 142

Sat Sep 03, 2022 4:17 am
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looseleaf wrote a review...

Hey vampricone! looseleaf here with a short review.

I must say, I didn't truly understand this, mostly because I was missing the context/previous parts of the story, but I must say you have intrigued me! The sentences are short and ominous, and leave the reader wondering what Phantom's mom is going to do next.

Your grammar is perfect, except my spell-checker is saying "be" in the fourth sentence should be "been." I don't think that's correct, though. Speaking of the fourth sentence, it's definitely my favorite out of all of your lines. It sends a message to me that Phantom's mom has been struggling to prove herself, despite knowing that she is better than them all along (this is supported by the first and second sentences). Also, the third line tells me that she's going to choose violence or something drastic to retaliate against whoever "them" is.

I think this could be a lovely start or end of a chapter/short story! It would either make the reader immediately interested in the story if you put it in the beginning, or leave the readers desperate to learn more if you put it at the end. It would be great either way!

Anyways, that's all from me today. I hope you have a great weekend and happy reviewing!

When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
— LadyMysterio