Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: OKayy....so we see yet another. This one proves to be different once again to the two we've already met although I suppose here life also ends up leading that one final spot in the end after all.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time, there lived a sisterhood of witches; Ariana Blake and her four other sisters: Lyra (the oldest), Emily (the second oldest), Eloise (the third oldest), and Sarah (the youngest)

When their parents grew old and died,they were each left with a gift from them.

Ariana was left with the family heirlooms.

She heard that her sisters wouldn't use their magic and she was left with their heirlooms,so..

..So she started a museum,showing off their heirlooms and demonstrated her witch powers to visitors of the museum.

Hmm, so this is the one in the family that went about displaying their history it seems. I didn't think this would actually include magic too, but well, it seems that this one is putting on quite the show here in that museum there.

She wanted to teach people about her family and their magic,she wanted to share their history.

Of course,Ariana also had to help Eloise with the family boutique,Eloise inherited the boutique and Lyra wanted them to help her out,because that was "what family did."

Ariana didn't understand why they had to help her out.She was an adult,they all were.She could handle things on her own.

Nevertheless,she listened to what Lyra said,because she didn't feel like arguing with her sister.

Hmm, well it seems like this is the opposite school of though to the other sister that we were introduced to. Its clear that we've got some very different characters here despite them all being from the same family. I also how they all seem to go along with the boutique situation like a family despite their differences here.

Working at the boutique had been a chore,there was no doubt about it,but at least she got to help her sister out.

Also,a young lady named Leona Fitzgerald was visiting her sister,Eloise and she saw her as a daughter.

That was fine with Ariana.It gave her more time for her museum and her spells.

Okayy..well that seems like an arrangement that worked out fairly well I suppose, although I guess this story is also about to end much the same as the previous ones did and we're going to end up seeing Eloise doing her horrible act in the not too distant future.

One night,on October,getting ready for a Halloween event with her sisters,Lyra wanted them to look for Eloise,because she was currently at the boutique.

It had taken awhile,but Leona was there,so they had help.

They finally found her.

In the backroom.

Murdering a child.

It was all so sudden and fast,Ariana didn't think.

She just went along with her sisters and used her powers to move a bookcase on Eloise,crushing her bones...

Hmm..okay this one is kind of rushed once again I have to say. I'm not going to repeat what I said on the previous one, but this needs more of the same here. This really is such a pivotal moment here and you've gotta mention a bit more emotion than this. At least this time we get a little more of sort of the thought process but its not quite enough.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is a pretty solid piece here. You've done a good job of establishing this one as a completely different character, but I do have to say once again, a scene like the one at the end needs something a bit more to truly work as intended.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Cyer here with a review! As always, please keep in mind that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad!

Once upon a time,in the 1960s,there was a woman named Ariana Blake,she had four other sisters.

The oldest was Lyra,the second oldest was Emily,the third oldest was Eloise,the younger one was Ariana herself and the youngest one was Sarah.

'Once upon a time' and 'in the 1960's' are both sentences that indicate a time. I'd suggest removing one.
'there was' interrupts the fluidity of your sentence, maybe try rewording that?

The oldest was Lyra,the second oldest was Emily,the third oldest was Eloise,the younger one was Ariana herself and the youngest one was Sarah.

I'd combine this with your first sentence so it reads something like this:

Once upon a time, there lived a sisterhood of witches; Ariana Blake and her four other sisters: Lyra (the oldest), Emily (the second oldest), Eloise (the third oldest), and Sarah (the youngest

Or something like that Notice that I also mentioned the fact that they were witches

Ariana's family was fairly wealthy and they were a family of witches.So,life was a cakewalk for them.

When their parents grew old and died,they were each left with a gift from them.

Ariana was left with the family heirlooms.

She heard that her sisters wouldn't use their magic and she was left with their heirlooms,so..

..So she started a museum,showing off their heirlooms and demonstrated her witch powers to visitors of the museum.

She wanted to teach people about her family and their magic,she wanted to share their history.

You seem to be telling me what happens to Ariana but I'm curious about the specific details. How exactly did her mother die? Why was Ariana left with the family heirlooms? What are her thoughts regarding that? How was she able to demonstrate her powers in a museum? Was it well known that she was a witch? How does she feel about being a witch? Does it effect her relationships?

Murdering a child.

It was all so sudden and fast,Ariana didn't think.

She just went along with her sisters and used her powers to move a bookcase on Eloise,crushing her bones...

Again, I want the juicy details here. What was Ariana's exact thought processes? What emotions did she feel? Had she known her sister was going to kill the child?
Just little things like that
Aaaand that concludes this review! I hope you found it helpful! If not, I hope you found some other value in it adjasdfhdsf.