z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

Andrew Davids-Circus of horrors

by vampricone6783


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

*This is from my story “Circus of horrors”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*



In 1982, there was a sixteen year old boy named Andrew Davids. He was a good boy who listened to his teachers and got his work done.

But he wished that he had friends. Seeing everybody at school with their own group of friends reminded him of just how lonely Andrew was, of just how much of a “social misfit” he was, as his parents always said.

Well, a boy named Charles Larson used to speak, until the death of his little sister, Claire. After her death, people bombarded him with questions and prayers, never leaving him alone, until Charles decided to never speak unless needed to.

But Andrew wanted to talk to him. Andrew wanted to know him. If he too was quiet, maybe they could both be friends.

Maybe more…

………………………………………………………………

One day, when Andrew was walking home from school, he noticed that Charles wasn’t riding his bike home as usual.

Okay, maybe he was a bit of a stalker, but no one knew.

So, when school ended, he followed Charles to a brightly colored circus-

“Excuse me, why are you here?” Charles snapped, turning around to face Andrew.

Andrew felt sweat beading down his face, he felt as though as he was melting into himself, disappearing…why did he follow Charles again? He…should…just…go…home…

“Well?” Charles asked, impatient.

It was too late. Andrew couldn’t leave, he had been seen.

Andrew had to speak.

“Um…because..you weren’t riding..y-y-your b-b-bike h-h-home and I-“

“Never mind, you’re coming with me.”

What? Why?

“What-“ Andrew was saying, but before he could finish his sentence, Charles pulled Andrew by the arm to the entrance of the circus.

There was no turning back. Andrew could have been home, his parents wouldn’t be furious with him for being late, and he would have never heard Charles’ surprisingly soft voice, tinged with anger.

Andrew just had to follow him to a circus.

………………………………………………………………

“Where are you taking me?” Andrew asked.

“To my circus tent, duh.” Charles said, as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

“Wait, you work here? You have your own circus tent?”

He didn’t even think teens were old enough to work at circuses.

“Yes, I do. Anyone with talent can work at a circus.”

“And why did you choose to work here, out of all places?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“I think it is-“

“Nothing I do is your business, kapeesh?”

“I-“

“No.”

If nothing Charles did was his business, then why wouldn’t he let Andrew go home?

………………………………………………………………

They had both made it to the circus tent. On one side of the flap was a single poster tacked on, which Charles pulled down and handed to Andrew.

“So you’re a-“

“Yeah, yeah. I’m a clown. Zippy the clown.”

“Hold up, why’d you bring me here?”

“You were following me in the first place. I think if you’re gonna stalk someone, you shouldn’t get caught. You’re not a very good stalker,you know, because I spotted you multiple times and until now, you’ve never stayed long enough to follow me after school. You only did like a few blocks. Had you been good, you would have known that I ride my bike here all the time, every day. I just chose not to take a bike-“

“Okay, okay, I get it, I’m not a good stalker.” Andrew said. Really, he didn’t want to get into an argument.

“Wait, what did I just say?” Andrew asked, just then realizing the ridiculousness of his sentence. Then again, nothing made sense after Charles just dragged him to the circus.

“Shut up. You’re going to sit on the bleachers and watch me perform.”

What? Charles brought him over for some circus show? Out of all the things Andrew imagined him doing in life, being a circus clown was not one of them.

“Excuse me-“

“No buts. This was your own doing. After that, I want you to audition to be apart of this circus-“

Join the circus? Why? What good was there in joining the circus?

“But I can’t perform-“

“Maybe this will teach you not to follow people.”

“I-“

“Go hide, they’re coming.”

“But-“

Charles shoved Andrewto a far corner of the tent, into complete darkness.

“Who is they? What are you talking about?”

“The audience, of course!”

“People still go to the circus?”

“Yes, they do! Not as much as they did in the 1950s, but they still do. Now, if you’ll escape me, I have to magically transform into a clown for the amusement of the young and old. Good day, peasant!”

Andrew chuckled a little despite himself. Charles was funny when he wanted to be. Andrew could see him as a clown.

………………………………………………………………

Andrew didn’t have to audition, he didn’t have to listen to Charles.

But he needed to do something else with his life. He needed to do something different.

It had nothing to do with Charles persisting that he’d do it.

So, Andrew had gone to the circus the next day with Charles, to tell him the good news.

“Um…so like…I auditioned…and-“

“And?”

“I-I-I’m gonna be a clown-“

“I don’t know how you got that because you’re nervous as heck and you’ve gotta be loud, but then again, this circus is as cheap as smushed fries on a sidewalk, so yeah.”

“Hey-“

Why couldn’t Charles believe in him? Did he really think Andrew was that insignificant?

“I’m just saying.”

“That’s not fair-“

“It is fair.”

Something dawned on Andrew in that moment.

Charles had a certain bitterness to him, a certain darkness. But there was something more to it. Something he didn’t want Andrew to know about. Something that made him snap. Andrew didn’t know he knew, it just crawled in his heart, like a million starving spiders.

……………………………………………………………….

Weeks had passed since then. Apparently, he wasn’t so bad at performing.

At least, that’s what Charles said to him after his shows. The crowd certainly seemed to love and care for him, Cookie the clown.

But the crowd loved everything, didn’t they?

When Andrew was out there, he felt free. He could slip on the costume and become someone invincible and bright, a makeup-wearing warrior in a room of gray, dying souls.

Charles was nicer (nicer, not incredibly sweet and generous) to him than when he first saw Andrew.

But that didn’t mean much when Charles tensed his back and scanned the area when the audience when the audience weren’t around, as if he were searching for a demon lurking in the corners.

It frightened and intrigued Andrew.

His parents didn’t suspect anything. They didn’t question why he came home late and what he was doing out.

Maybe they thought he was doing something for school..whatever, it wasn’t like they’d go to the circus anyway.

No one there knew who he really was except Charles.

……………………………………………………………….

It was February Twenty-Fifth, the audience was watching him with intent eyes. Andrew was doing a juggling act, hands moving faster than imaginable.

The world around him started to blur. Froth foamed at the corners of his eyes, his arms felt nonexistent.

“A floating hatchet?” Someone in the audience asked. An adult, perhaps. Their voice sounded so far away, Andrew couldn’t tell.

His neck was popping! No, not really. Someone was pulling on his wig and making him face the ceiling. The audience collectively gasped, but didn’t do a thing.

Andrew didn’t see anyone holding him, though. Just a floating hatchet.

And then he knew.

This was the thing haunting Charles, the thing that made him so testy. The invisible evil holding the hatchet was Charles’ biggest fear and with good reason. It was the thing that killed Claire and it would be the thing that would end Andrew.

It was a demon named Miriam. The name of any woman crossing the street, except this Miriam was so much more.

Andrew didn’t have time to scream, for the blade of the hatchet already sliced through his fragile flesh and firm bones.

It broke his heart to hear the crowd scream, especially the children.

……………………………………………………………….

He woke up in the back of the circus tent, the same place where Charles hid him many days ago.

Except Andrew was the only one there.

Or so he thought.

Andrew turned around. It was Charles, Charles who died a few days ago, at a little girl’s birthday party. The girl’s name was Abigail. They were quite close, from what Charles told him.

Were they ghosts now?

“It appears the eye color change, claw, and height growth has happened with you, too." Charles said.

That was so random of him, why did he say that?

“What-“

“Maybe that happens with ghosts.”

It was to fill the void, that was why Charles spoke up.

“I know about Miriam.” Andrew said.

“You do?”

“Yes, right before my death.”

Charles breathed a sigh of relief, a weight being lifted out of his shoulders. Andrew wished that he could feel the same.

“Thank god you know. It’s just been eating away at me, this knowledge. This fear. I was afraid she’d come again. I wanted to tell you about Miriam, but…”

“You didn’t think I’d believe you?”

“Why would you? “A demon woman killed my sister”. I mean, who would believe that? Anyone would think that I was a straight up psycho and with good reason.” Charles said, soft voice even softer, almost a sad whisper.

“Well, I believe you.” Andrew said.



He felt Miriam’s presence, he felt her evil. She was there.

“And while we’re on the subject of believing in things, would you believe that I like you? Romantically?”

There. Andrew said it. They were both dead, what more was there to lose?

“You…you like me? Romantically? Me?”

“Yes.”

Charles laughed. It sounded normal at first, then it became maniacal, high-pitched, like a true evil clown cackle. It made Andrew’s skin crawl a little. Not too much, just a little bit.

Finally, he stopped. There was only a small smile on his face.

“As crazy as it sounds, I like you too. Romantically. You’re a bit lost, but you’re sweet. You never bothered me after Claire’s death and your presence was always…nice.”

“Really?”

“Are you deaf? I just said that.” Charles said, his smile seeming to get bigger, his eyes seeming a little brighter.

“We’ll talk more, after we exact revenge on Miriam. I used to think she was unstoppable, but after seeing you come out of your shell, I think that we have a chance. Come on! Abby is waiting for us outside of the tent, there isn’t a minute to waste!” Charles said brightly.

While it seemed bleak that their bodies were to be buried six feet under the maggot-infested dirt, they had each other. They understood each other. There were more secrets to discuss, but that would be for later.

The three of them had a demon to exorcise from the Earth.


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Fri Jun 30, 2023 8:10 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there vampricone, here to check out another one of your stories.

I see this story is set in the 1980s which is a little different than most of your collection - are most of your stories set around modern day? I think it'd be great to have a little bit of 80s references in here to set the scene a bit - whether that's music or technology just to build out the scene.

If he too was quiet, maybe they could both be friends.

Maybe more…


This is an interesting use of the "Many more..." phrase - I wasn't sure whether to read that romantically or sinisterly - but it's a good ambiguity about what Andrew's intentions are.

It was too late. He noticed Andrew.

Would take out "He noticed Andrew" here - because it doesn't make sense in the time line - Charles had just turned faced and spoken to Andrew, so of course he has already noticed him. It could be phrased instead to "It was too late to continue on unnoticed now."

“Um…because..you weren’t riding..y-y-your b-b-bike h-h-home and I-“

“Never mind, you’re coming with me.”

What? Why?

“What-“


This exchange is a bit suprising - because at first it seems like Andrew has the upper hand, then all of a sudden Charles is taking control of the conversation and situation by directing Andrew what's happening next. I'm not sure why Charles says "What" when they are the one directing things though.

“Nothing I do is your business, kapeesh?”

“I-“

“No.”


Charles certainly is coming across harshly here.

On one side of the flap was a single poster tacked on, which Charles pulled down and handed to Andrew.

It would be helpful context to add some description about the poster to give the reader a break from the dialogue and add some context to Andrew's thought-process.

Now, if you’ll escape me, I have to magically transform into a clown for the amusement of the young and old.


Not sure what is meant here - if Charles is being literal, I'm suprised that Andrew isn't more shocked / suprised but instead just seems amused by this whole situation. Andrew's reaction doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me given the context of being found out by Charles and then pulled along to this circus - it'd be good to be able to read more of his thought-process to understand.

When Andrew was out there, he felt free. He could slip on the costume and become someone invincible and bright, a makeup-wearing warrior in a room of gray, dying souls.


Great description here! Very interesting.

I found the introduction of Miriam to be very confusing - how did Andrew know she was there or that her name was Miriam, how did she relate / connect to the hatchet? Was she holding it? What did she look like? How did she get there? How did Andrew know she was attached or connected to Charles in any way?

Andrew didn’t have time to scream, for the blade of the hatchet already sliced through his fragile flesh and firm bones.


Not much into gore - but this comes across a little ambiguous / hard to picture too - as far as not knowing where Andrew is injured or if his life is at risk.

It was Charles, Charles who died a few days ago, at a little girl’s birthday party. The girl’s name was Abigail. They were quite close, from what Charles told him.


How did Andrew know this information? This feels like a really quick way to introduce such a dramatic turn.

“Thank god you know. It’s just been eating away at me, this knowledge. This fear. I was afraid she’d come again. I wanted to tell you about Miriam, but…”


It seems incredibly weird that Charles is more relieved that Andrew is dead but knows about the demon rather than alive but doesn't know...

Charles laughed. It sounded normal at first, then it became maniacal, high-pitched, like a true evil clown cackle. It made Andrew’s skin crawl a little. Not too much, just a little bit.

Finally, he stopped. There was only a small smile on his face.

“As crazy as it sounds, I like you too. Romantically. You’re a bit lost, but you’re sweet. You never bothered me after Claire’s death and your presence was always…nice.”


Charles' reaction is certainly over-the-top, very creepy reaction to such a revelation.

The story is a good set-up for them to battle Miriam - and you have some good characterization and motivation outlined for both Andrew and Charles - I think the main issue right now is Miriam's introduction in the story is very unclear as it stands as far as how Andrew becomes aware of her presence - that could be detailed quite a bit more and some of Andrew's inner thoughts in the first half of the story would add a lot too to understanding the story and motivations.

Thanks for sharing! Hope this was helpful!

alliyah






Charles didn%u2019t say %u201Cwhat%u201D. It was Andrew.

Miriam sort of%u2026crept into Andrew%u2019s mind. She%u2019s a demon. She can do that.

Thank you for reading.





I have origin stories:

%u201CCharles Larson-Circus of horrors%u201D
%u201CAbigail Marie Wallace%u2019s story-Circus of horrors%u201D

The actual story:

%u201CCircus of horrors%u201D



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Wed Jun 28, 2023 9:07 pm
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Teddybear wrote a review...



Hey, I'm typing this out on my phone so do bear with me. That being said, I think this piece has a lot of potential. It's marked as a short story but it seems to be set up more like the first several chapters of, or even the entire first book in a series. There's a lot of information in such a short area, which is both a strength and a weakness.

This reads like the first sketch of a story that wasn't quite fully developed at time of inception. It seems like you had an idea - a boy gets dragged/stumbles into being involved in a creepy circus, where he is eventually murdered by a demon and becomes a spirit with some horrifying physical changes to match - but it wasn't really fleshed out before you wrote it out, so what youve got here is you telling yourself the story before it's been all cleaned up. Terry Pratchett actually recommends a similar method for first drafts, and I will say the specific beats you want to hit are really well defined in this.

I do think you could work on your characters a bit though. Aside from the emotion they were displaying, everyone here seems to speak with the same general mannerisms and 'voice', as though everyone here is traveling through the same 'paths of thought'. I think a few character building exercises could really benefit the writing here. Readers tend to be more responsive to really distinct and interesting characters than they are to any plot or world, no matter how interesting it may be.

Another spot I think will come much easier in draft two is foreshadowing. The previous murder wasn't given nearly enough emphasis prior to its reveal as being the work of Miriam in my opinion, and I really think it's a missed opportunity to add tension leading up to that reveal. Maybe there are murmurs around the circus, or maybe school (thus giving you the opportunity to make the absence of anyone mentioning it in the circus an eerie detail for the MC to pick up on and dismiss early on) about the disappearance/murder depending on if you want it to be known that she was murdered or if she just vanished.

That's just one example of a place I think you could use foreshadowing to add tension and that spooky tone I feel you're going for here.

For what it is I really think there's a lot of really interesting potential here. I haven't even touched on the potential for the romantic subplot, which is definitely one of the better developed parts of this piece.

Overall I just would really like to see what's already here expanded upon and foreshadowed throughout. Spooky circus demon is a rich premise and I really think you could do a lot with it!






I wrote two origin stories and a story prior to this one.

Origin stories:

%u201CCharles Larson-Circus of horrors%u201D
%u201CAbigail Marie Wallace%u2019s story-Circus of horrors%u201D

The story:

%u201CCircus of horrors%u201D.

The origin stories are from my folder %u201CMore origin stories!%u201D and the actual story is from my %u201CScary-ish stories%u201D folder.

Thanks for reading!




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