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12+ Violence Mature Content

A Christmas Eve tragedy

by vampricone6783


*This is a Creepypasta fanfiction about the Creepypasta, “Laughing Jack”. This story will be underneath my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. Laughing Jack was created by Snuffbomb and is a demonic clown entity. But in this story, I made Laughing Jack a human in his past life, who is dying of yellow fever. There are Christian/religious aspects in this so if you don’t want to read that, then don’t. I have no idea whether to give this a higher rating, so please let me know. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy and Happy Holidays!*



Harriet Madison stroked Jack Madison’s soft, black hair, the only part of him that was not weak.

His eyes couldn’t open. They were closed shut as if he were soundly sleeping, but she knew better. His body was a withered husk, his skin an unearthly yellow, the yellow of rot. His chest moved, but his breath came out broken.

“You know he doesn’t have much long.” Eugene Madison said gently. He stood at the doorway, not bearing to go near Jack‘s decaying body.

Harriet didn’t look up. She wouldn’t turn away from his face. She stayed silent, stroking his hair. She listened to the sounds of Eugene’s boots as he walked away.

Then, she kneeled down on the side of Jack’s bed and prayed. She prayed for his health. She prayed that he would be saved. He didn’t deserve it. It was Christmas Eve! He had been so kind. So good.

Why was it happening to him?

If she prayed, maybe the angels would take her instead. Jack would miss her, but at least he would be alive.

But then, why was she praying for her death? Jack’s fate was the divine will of God and Harriet was going against His will.

Yet, Harriet couldn’t help but seethe with anger from within. Why a child? Why him?

They’re taking him away. Your son. He doesn’t deserve to die. Let them take you. Let them take you away, so long as he lives. Harriet thought, clasping her hands together tightly with the broken heart of a mother.

Harriet shut her eyes, blocking the burning tears from falling down and with a shaking voice, continued her prayer.

“You may open your eyes now.” A melodic voice said.

Harriet opened her eyes.

A beautiful and blinding golden light shone in his room. She wanted to run away from it, but stayed where she was. It was an angel. She didn’t need to fear angels.

“Which angel are you?”

“I am Lucifer, a fallen angel.”

Harriet stood up. Her heart quickened. She asked for an angel. She didn’t want The Devil.

Why was The Devil in Jack’s room?

“Lucifer?! Lucifer?! You…betrayed God! Why…why…I-“

“There are many stories about me, but trust that I am good.”

“You-“

“I was once an angel, working for God. I have fallen from His Grace, but I work for the people now. I want to help. Let me help you.”

His words sounded so sweet. His light was like the sun on a summer day.

He was an angel.

“Can you save my boy?”

Lucifer laughed softly. Harriet smiled. His laugh was just as joyful as Jack’s, before the sickness came.

The sickness that God sent.

“I can give him a new body. A body that will never know pain, fear, or sickness. A body that will know only endless joy and freedom. I can give him a new life, one where he will play with a boy just like him, forevermore.”

“But the cost would be his memory of you and this life. You must let Jack die, so that I may take his soul and make him anew. He cannot remember this. It would not do for a new body and a new life.”

“A new life?”

“A better life, with a better body. A freeing body, a freeing life.”

“It all makes sense, doesn’t it?”

Yes. It did make sense. It all made perfect sense. Jack would flourish under the light of Lucifer. Lucifer would take Jack from her, but it was all for the better.

Harriet nodded as she wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand.

“He will be safe?”

“He will be safe.”

“Take good care of him.” She said.

The room got warmer even as the light was beginning to dim.

“I promise.”

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Wed Dec 20, 2023 6:25 pm
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Zyria wrote a review...



Zy here with a review! As always, please keep in mind that my intention is not to offend you or make your writing look bad!

THORNS

The sickness that God sent.

“I can give him a new body. A body that will never know pain, fear, or sickness. A body that will know only endless joy and freedom. I can give him a new life, one where he will play with a boy just like him, forevermore.”

“But the cost would be his memory of you and this life. You must let Jack die, so that I may take his soul and make him anew. He cannot remember this. It would not do for a new body and a new life.”

“A new life?”

“A better life, with a better body. A freeing body, a freeing life.”

“It all makes sense, doesn’t it?”

Yes. It did make sense. It all made perfect sense. Jack would flourish under the light of Lucifer. Lucifer would take Jack from her, but it was all for the better.

Harriet nodded as she wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand.

“He will be safe?”

“He will be safe.”

“Take good care of him.” She said.

The room got warmer even as the light was beginning to dim.

“I promise.”

The ending felt rushed. The preface explains that this is a back-story for Laughing Jack, so presumably the reader is meant to assume that Jack's new form is well, Laughing Jack. Even without the preface readers probably will gather that his new form won't be anything good. However, it still feels incomplete. I think this is because it ends during a climactic moment of the story, where he allegedly gains a new form. I'd choose a different finale, one that's less anti-climactic.

Now, I don't know how creepypasta works, but from what I understand horror is involved. Quite frankly, this is not scarey. There's no gore. The characters aren't portrayed as being afraid, nor is the antagonist portrayed as frightening in anyway. Although granted this is Lucifer, the master of lies. So that makes sense. He's portraying himself as innocent. But you need to give some hint that there's malice underneath that angelic exterior. Something more then Harriet's misgivings.

STEM
Now here are certain aspects you did well, but could improve.
His eyes couldn’t open. They were closed shut as if he were soundly sleeping, but she knew better. His body was a withered husk, his skin an unearthly yellow, the yellow of rot. His chest moved, but his breath came out broken.

'Withered husk', 'yellow of rot', 'closed shut as if he were soundly asleep' really paint a picture in my mind of what he looks like. You did a good job there. However the sentence feels wordy to me. Here's roughly how I'd consider rewriting it
His eyes were closed shut as if he were soundly sleeping, but she knew better. His body was a withered husk, his skin the yellow of rot. His chest moved, but his breath came out broken.


My second issue involves Harriet. She's shown to be deeply concerned for her son and desperate for a cure. You did an excellent job in that respect.
Buttt there's not much more to her personality then that.
It'd be helpful if you expanded on why she wants Jack to survive, and why she
decides to trust Lucifer.

BLOSSOM

Harriet didn’t look up. She wouldn’t turn away from his face. She stayed silent, stroking his hair. She listened to the sounds of Eugene’s boots as he walked away.

Then, she kneeled down on the side of Jack’s bed and prayed. She prayed for his health. She prayed that he would be saved. He didn’t deserve it. It was Christmas Eve! He had been so kind. So good.

Why was it happening to him?

If she prayed, maybe the angels would take her instead. Jack would miss her, but at least he would be alive.

But then, why was she praying for her death? Jack’s fate was the divine will of God and Harriet was going against His will.

Yet, Harriet couldn’t help but seethe with anger from within. Why a child? Why him?

They’re taking him away. Your son. He doesn’t deserve to die. Let them take you. Let them take you away, so long as he lives. Harriet thought, clasping her hands together tightly with the broken heart of a mother.

Harriet shut her eyes, blocking the burning tears from falling down and with a shaking voice, continued her prayer.

I love this passage here. The rhythmic repetition of 'prayed' really nails home how desperate she is for her son to survive.
I also really adore the word choice of 'burning tears'.

That concludes this review. Have an excellent day or night and please continue writing :)





I communicate much better on paper than I do when I open my mouth.
— Aaron Sorkin