Everyone resides in darkness.
A part of them at least.
Even the tiniest sliver,
Of someone good at heart,
Is in darkness.
There is no escaping it.
You may think that you are the only one.
The only one in the darkness.
There are many more in darkness.
You just don’t know who.
When in darkness, many are confused.
They don’t know what to do.
But I know, I've always known
When in darkness, search for the light.
When you find it, remember where it is.
But don’t go to it.
Because even in light there is darkness.
Darkness in your heart,
Your soul.
People think that light is the end.
The end of their sorrows.
It’s sort of funny to me.
They don’t know what they are thinking.
Light is not the end.
It is only the beginning.
It is the rebirth of the darkness,
The shadows,
The shadows in my empty soul,
My empty heart.
Inside my hollow being.
Even when i am not empty inside,
I am still cold.
It feels as though i am surrounded,
Surrounded in a block of dry ice.
Very cold on the inside,
But burning on the outside.
The pain, it consumes me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
That was really good considering I know you, and you haven't even ever shown a "sliver" of poetic nature the past four years.
Very good, especially the ending lines.
But the bulk could use some adjustment because when I first read it, the words seemed jumbled together unorderly in the beginning.
Two thumbs up though.
amazing, that was a really strong poem. Consider publishing that in a book or something. You wouldn't want anyone stealing that!
Hmm... pretty good. Good ideas, and a nice twist at the end. However, you used no creative way to phrase lines. This is most apparent in the overuse of the word "darkness" Try some synonyms like... shadow, dusk, grim, simple words to add variation. It keeps interest. Also:
"They don't know what to do
I know what to do"
Meh, redundant. I'd try to say maybe like "But I know, I've always known."
Wow Dan, this was really good.
Good job!
-Joel-
well ill work on editing it as soon as i get the time to do it...
I agree with MadHatter. It was passable, but ultimately lacking in meaning and to be honest, rather repetitous.
In my opinion, you really need to think about what it is you're trying to convey. There are a few different threads in this poem that should have been developed more coherently.
Also - this must be the twentieth time I've said it today - show, don't tell. My first reaction to your statments about "slivers of darkenss" is - yeah, whatever. I'm sorry, but poetry like this comes off as being preachy and dishonest. Instead, try to describe that darkeness. Show me what it is so that I can recognize it in myself and others. You need to give your readers some credit. We're not just passive observers here, we want to interact through your poem and use it as a vehicle to enable us to see the world the way you do.
So, instead of telling me that "there's no escaping it", why not try to describe this darkness as "all-encompassing" or "all-pervasive", and paint me a picture of a world in which light is hard to come by and darkness sticks like sin?
Be creative. Explore with all your senses, not just your brain, and try to show me rather than tell me. I bet you your poetry will improve if you try.
Cheers,
~bubbles
*Those weren't really good crits*
I think you did a good job but lacked that needed oumph. I can't quite place my finger on it, but you lacked something that left your piece somewhat hollow. Maybe it was lack of intrest in the topic. Look over it and see if you can fix anything.
I love that. I think the whole poem seems to carry on with a steady flow, but then the last line changes the entire meaning, brilliant. Keep it up. Kudos.
I loved that!
It really touched me...
Wow... I am stunned now. I can't think of anything els to say but...
Good job!
Genevieve