Published July 17, 2011
she fell dark into sleep
ghost's and ghoul's shall forever reep
quiet laying waching the sky
clouds of gray wisping by
forever she will stay awake
waching sun form night to day brake
closing up her heart with forever
hoping they will soon be togeather
losing hope never crossed her mind
theres nothing forever can't find
she's in love forever
and soon she hopes they'll be togeather
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138,299 Literary Works • 672,099 Reviews
it was a good poem but i found the metapohors a little confusing. also, you had quite a few grammatical errors. it also kinda of bothered me that you had no puncuation. i think that it would flow better with capitalization and puncuation. Your overall concept was well thought out but i feel that it could use soume changes.
-Lexi
Its very good and right to the point. I like it but I also think it might be better if you add a little more emotion.
i know i have a few spelling errors and purplepretzal she fell asleep and woke up in hevan
You had a perfect rhyme and beat, and at the same time, this piece captured my heart. This is exactly how I feel right now, wishing and hoping that me & someone else will be together.
You had a couple spelling mistakes (together), but that's alright. I didn't understand, because in the beginning it says 'she fell dark into sleep', and then four lines down it says, 'forever she will stay awake'. So, did she fall asleep and then wake up? or can she not fall asleep at all?
Keep writing, I know you have something.
Hi there!
- Shouldn't the "brake" part be "break"? Or is it supposed to be like that?I like your poem! it has a sad touch to it. Though I have a few nit-picks:
- You spelled "together" wrong.
I'm not much of a poet, so I'm not sure if there's anything else, but overall, I really like your poem! Good job and keep it up!
- gleek456 <3
P.S. When I read your poem, I imagined a girl dying, and she's hoping she will be able to be with her lover, who died before her.