Love or Torcher?
My heart dwells on the pain and sorrow
The hurt of not knowing what will come with tomorrow,
The lust and love you put me through
And not knowing if what I feel is true
I swallow my words, no breath nor air,
So as I stare and watch you walk by
In time I think-‘why did I feel so shy?’
Away from how I truly feel,
But is it non-existent, or is it real?
I guess in time my heart will no longer scorch,
But is this love or a lighted torch?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello I'm moonstar! I've just read your Love...or torcher poem. It was really really great! Seriously it was a real great read! Will definitely have to read more of your work!! Can't wait, moonstar xxx
Hey there! Welcome to YWS!
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I'm June, your critic for the moment. If I'm too harsh, too nitpicky, or generally too annoying in this review, feel free to PM me and let me know.
Love...or Torcher?
As I read this title for the first time, I was a bit confused. I am not sure if you meant torcher here, dear, as in a person who lights a torch, or torture as in punishment and such. I only ask because torcher isn't a proper word, dear.
I understand that this poem lies heavily upon rhyme, and I want to advise against this. This is because using rhyme heavily like this (as in every line) restricts the creativity of your poem.
It is entirely possible to execute a wonderful poem with strict rhyme like this. You did an excellent job with full rhymes throughout this, dear, but I feel as if some of your ideas can be expanded, because reading through this, a member of your audience can easy become disinterested and say, "This is just angst."
That being said, we sometimes need to know what causes a character's angst. Angst is not a bad thing to have in your works, but unless you have a villain that's evil and everything, it's wonderful to give your audience some background to the angst.
So, ask yourself!
What causes this person to begin their torture [torcher?]? Why is this character reacting like this? Why does she feel this way? Are there any other factors that the audience should know?
With this said, you don't want to write us a story instead of a poem! Many times you will find in poetry that a single word can hint to the audience the entire scenario of a situation.
Nice job on this, dear! Keep up the nice work!
If you've got any question or comments about this, or anything else, feel free to PM me.
Juniper
I like this poem, it was powerful.
My favorite line was the last one,
I truly believe that in society people can't tell the difference between love and lust. Do you want a person because of the way the look or do you like the person inside. If it's lust (which i believe this poem was centered around) then the boy seems to be playing with your mind.
The line kinda confused me because breath and air are practically the same thing.
I agree with Max a larger vocabulary always helps in poetry because the piece is so small you want the reader to vividly understand what you're trying to write. In poetry you can't explain. Google helps big time. It's my trusty friend
It will help you understand what the words mean. I have a big pet peeve of people using bid words when they aren't using them correctly, but you didn't do that!
In fact your poem was amazing. I could tell it came from the heart.
Hope I wasn't to hard on you
Ello ^_^
Have fun with it and use a couple of big words google it or something. Remember don't take any of this critique personally it's just to help your writing skills
I'm Max and I just wanted to say nice poem. I felt like the 8th stanza was a bit lacking, but then again that's just me. I think you should add a bit more advanced vocabulary into poetry to make it seem more dramatic!
here's one that it great from your poem
'I guess in time my heart will no longer scorch,
But is this love or a lighted torch?'
This was a perfect ending on the entire poem I couldn't have written the ending better! But I'm a bit confused by the story you're telling in the poem. Was it something along the lines of
girl meets boy
girl falls in love with boy
and boy dumps girl?
Or is it boy never notices girl?
That's where you should make it more clear without changing the ending.
Hope this helps
Good luck
keep writing
-Max