Published April 7, 2008
Sometimes when we are holding GOD in are hands
we don't think and just do
we get over powered
and we blink
suddenly
everything is on the floor
we have forgotten about holding the lord
and we have lost him
some people give up
some fall down
REALIZING
that since they have been so stupid,
everything is gone
BUT
then
it clicks
you can't hold god
you can't lose god
you
can't
you just can't
GOD WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU
don't forget
he's in you're heart
you're in his
hands!
Valarie!
*name removed* -Via
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
i can't really say i liked what this poem was saying very much, as a former catholic(now an atheist)...
as for conventions, they were mediocre, but that can be improved. and i agree with rickage about the caps.
OK! Now that we've got past all the "Don't do _____________!", let's get to business shall we?
Poetry critique is rarely, if ever, based on fact. It's all a matter of perpective. Reader's perspective. Even what I am saying right now is opinion. Because there will likely be someone coming on here cracking the whip saying that poetry has this rule and that. Whatever. The FACT is that it's all based on what people want to read. As is anything.
Now in my humble OPINION, I think you have the structure of it right. I'm actually not a poetry person. But I do know that good poetry has a structure. A purposeful structure, at that. With poetry, you can literally write it EXACTLY how you want it read. Because it's about rhythm. You give readers this slideshow effect and that's what I like to see when reading poetry. Which I seldom do. You don't just throw some words on paper, you can paint it for us. Just by knowing how to set it up on the page.
Should be our. Immediate turn off. Change that ASAP so it doesn't make readers cringe and turn away from your work.
I'd like to see you capatalize LORD. <------ Yeah, like that. Some people are gonna whine about the caps anyway. But this is your work. Don't know why it bothers people so much. I don't think you overused the caps effect. But if LORD were capatalized, I think it would fit in quite well.
In regards to those CAPS HATERS, you should know that GOD in the first stanza is actually what caught my eye and took me into reading this little piece. It worked nicely in this case.
Be warned that it won't always.
Have a fantastic tomorrow and keep writing.
Rosethorn
not bad- loved the message. Its a little bit rough witht he flow though.
I like the message. What I didn't like was the irregular rhythm and the words in caps.
You should try choosing different words and adding a little more to keep the flow nice and smooth.
I look forward to reading more from the newbie!
Welcome!
As Via said, don't post your full name. Also, allow me to welcome you to YWS. I hope you enjoy the site as much as we all do. Before you post your own work, please have atlease two reviews. Also, when you have 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chatroom and talk with other members about anything you're working on. You can also ask for a crit. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns.
Now onto the crit. Please no caps. The rhythm is off and the rhyming is off key. Try to change some lines around and fix the caps. I hope this helps.
-Rick.
Hi Valarie--
Please do not put your full name on the internet! These pages are viewable by anyone, and anyone can steal your name and look you up! We wouldn't want that to happen, now would we?
If you are worried about copyrights, don't. Everything you post is copyrighted the second it is posted.
We want to keep everyone safe, and that means no full names!
Thanks!
Via