It all started when i was in high school and I started liking this guy. He was a senior, not so popular, down to earth kind of guy, and my slight crush was increasing with time. But we had nothing in common and i never built the courage to go and talk to him and when I did I akways chickened out at the last minute. So, I decided to ignore my feelings altogether just like I always did.
One day I was heading to my ballet class when I saw him practicing in one of the studios inside the academy. He was absolutely amazing, breathtaking. The way he expressed his feelings through his moves and through his expressions was... The way he executed every step perfectly was almost decieving. I wanted him to notice me so that he could maybe come up with the most brilliant idea and talk to mebut I started dancing a few months ago and ballet is not something you can learn overnight. So, I compromised to practice day and night, as much as I could but nothing ever seemed to be enough.
Nevertheless, I continued practicing and one night as I was heading out of the studio, something caught my undivided attention. Next to the door there was an ordinary, brown boxand the most beautiful point shoes were inside. I checked around to see if there was someone in the studio so I could ask them if they knew who they belonged to, but there was no one. Due to the fact that I had only started dancing months ago I didn't own a pair of point shoes and after all I'm only human so I tried them on. Much to my surprise they fit perfectly. I tried doing a piroutte and I could've sworn it was the most perfect piroutte I had done in my entire life.
I kept dwelling inside my head; should I take them? Should I leave them? Would I be robing ? Would it be wrong?
I decided to take them and if in two weeks nobody asked for them I got to keep him. I waited two weeks and nobody. Now, remember when I mentioned I didn't own a pair of point shoes? Well one day I was practicing alone in one of the studios with them on because I couldn't bring myself to use them to class and one of my teachers saw me dancing with them on. She was completely astonished and told me to come to a more advanced class the next day. From then on I used them every day to class.
Then he talked to me. I was wondering why he hadn't. I was progresing as much as I could, so what was holding him back? Anyways, when he came over I was putting some stuff on my locker and we ended up having a conversation. At the end of it he asked me out and as soon as he left I counted every hour, every minute, and every second till the day of the date.
When the day came I was worried something was going to go wrong but the date went by perfectly and when he took me home he asked me out again and beforehe left he kissed my cheek ever so gently. Later on we found out the date conflicted with one of our rehearsals so we agreed to meet after.
The day arrived and I was not as thrilled to go on the date as I expected to be but I ignored it. Warming up, I had already put my point shoes on when some strange force was taking control over my body in a completely different way and, truth be told, I liked it so I let it be.
During rehearsals my solos were completely prefect and by the time it was over, before I knew what was happening, I pulled my phone out of my bag and texted him. Some part of me thought it stupid that I was texting him when we were in the same room but a bigger part of me overcame that feeling completely. In the text it said that I didn't want to date him anymore because he was a distraction and I couldn't afford any of those since I was in the middle of becoming the greatest dancer ever. After that I put my phone away and slipped of my point shoes. There was blood all over my toes due to the fact one of my toes nails fell off. It felt so good, the pain I mean. Actually I was kind of disappointed that only one fell off, so when I got home I ripped them all off. It was like a drug. The pain took me to a whole new level of reaity.
Weeks passed and I never toalked to him again, weeks passed and I was the best dancer in the academy, weeks passed and I was now working for a company, weeks passed and ballet became my everything. I had no friends because I could afford to have none, but that was okay. I barely had time to spare for my family, but that was okay. I could barely walk without my point shoes on because of the blisters and my missing toe nails, but that was okay. Ever since I found those point shoes I began to see everything in a whole new light. I was never going to get rid of those point shoes no matter how much oain I have to go through, no matter what I have to give up, no mater how old I grow, no matter what, no matter the consequences, no matter who I have to step on, no matter who I have to kill.
One Christmas, one of the few times I invited my family over I killed my niece. She tried to thouch my point shoes! My point shoes! She could've broken them. How I killed her? easy, I punched her so hard she hit the back of her head with a door. They called me obsessed... Not anymore...
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Sorry if there were any grammatical errors :)
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey val, backroads here to review!
It just needs to be broken up- I would actually recommend splitting it into two sentences- the first why she wants him to notice her and the second about how inexperienced she is. I would also describe his physical features a little more and maybe give us his name. It would help to make the character feel more real and could potentially emphasize her initial infatuation with him.I really like your story, the ending is definitely creepy!
I noticed the same thing as sabyemerald, there were a lot of punctual errors. I'm not a grammar expert, so you may want to ask someone you know to help you double-check the rest, but one sentence I noticed was
Also, I would draw out this entire section a little more
As much as I like the repetition, having so little to each succession causes her spiral into craziness to have less of an impact on the reader. You can still probably use the 'weeks passed' intro, but I think you need to take your time draw out each step.
All in all a great story! I particularly loved the bit on how she loved the pain of her toenails falling off- quite some disturbing writing right there! Just watch out for grammar and feel free to draw out the suspense!
Hope some of this was helpful!
-backroadstraveler
Hi! I'm surprise at the ending of your story. I didn't think it would end this way but I liked it. It gave the charm on your story even if it's a bit creepy.
I think the symbolism of the character is the people who would do anything to achieve their dreams in exchange of her loved ones; everything in exchange for her dreams. And I think you executed the character's attitude very well in this story. So good job on that!
However, you should double check your story first before publishing it. I found a lot of typographical and punctuation errors. But you could work on that. Also, the first part is not that interesting to read. I thought this is some kind of cheesy love story because the pointed shoes she received is from the guy she's admiring. But then, I was wrong. I like the plot twist but you could do better by adding more descriptive words to describe the situations.
I hope I helped you out! Good job in this piece! God bless.