If I let the tears drop, then I would lose.
They wouldn’t care.
But she would. Only because she thinks I might end it.
I might. But might is never definite.
The tears drop anyway. As if they don’t care.
They don’t care. No one does really.
Only God.
But he’s too far away.
I’m drowning and I need something close to hold onto.
Hugs aren’t sufficient anymore.
Neither are sweet words.
I didn’t breathe in a different type of air to escape.
A dangerous type of air.
I didn’t draw all over my body.
In red.
Instead, I wrote. I wrote. Scribbles, baby language to you maybe. But to me. It all makes sense.
It’s all starting to make sense.
I guess.
The mask I put on isn’t the real me.
But even sometimes I get confused.
I think there’s more than one.
Of me.
It used to be one.
But the lies turned into the truth.
And the truth,
Well, it didn’t set me free.
My truth didn’t.
Maybe his will.
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141,343 Literary Works • 674,360 Reviews
Hey there! I enjoyed reading this and want to leave a review
What I noticed first is how you present the words to us. It is formatted like a poem, but it tells a story, while also being a deep emotional reflection. Right from the start, it seems like the writer has this desire to cry and 'let go' but they see this as losing. No one would care except one person, who seems to be thinking this writer may commit suicide or 'end it'. I liked how crying is seen as a loss... this was interesting to me because crying is portrayed so many different ways in poetry and from the writer's resistance, we learn a lot about them. I assume that they have a strong emotional wall that they have put up, perhaps they don't show their true feelings to anyone but this one person they mention. I wonder why they don't and why they are so hesitant and repulsed by that idea?
As we continue, we see that the writer is crying, but in secret it seems, still now showing it to others. You talk about God and how he is the only one who could see you, but he is too far away. I get the impression that this writer has gone through significant physical and emotional changes that have resulted in major changes for who they are and how they feel.
It seems like they write their feeling and also feel that they are the only one who can understand it. This makes sense to me. Then the writer mentions a literal mask which sums up a lot of the feelings and impressions I got while reading. In the last few lines you talk about this 'truth' that you learned that did not set you free. This could be anything from something religious to something that has to do with a relationship with someone else, or something personal about you. My mind went the religious route because of the mentions of God being far away earlier on, but it is quite ambiguous. Then you mention 'his' truth. I was a little confused at the end, since it seems like a switch in focus from the rest of the poem, but I am sure if I knew what type of truth was being referenced, I would see the bigger picture of how they are connected. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this, it was easy to follow along with and well written. Have a nice day and keep writing!
Your friend,
Ellie
Hello there!! I’m here to give you a review on this wonderful poem.
First of all, welcome to YWS!! I see you’ve done some reviewing and gotten settled in nicely--I hope you’re enjoying it here so far!
This is quite a lovely poem! It almost sounds like the rapid mind of an overthinker, and I can tell it was written from flow of your own thoughts.
One thing I’d suggest, if you’re looking to refine this into a more thoughtful, finished piece, is to separate into stanzas! It might seem useless, but it helps separate your thoughts. I think here, you could separate it at the line that starts with “I’m drowning”, and again with the one that starts with “The mask”.
I also think this could flow a bit better having some sentences combined. While the choppy sentences do add to the tone, in some places it makes the piece hard to read. I’d recommend reading it out loud to see where commas could be added! Sometimes, hearing it out loud can help with the rhythm.
I also notice that this is a bit of a spiritual poem, with themes of God. I think you could go deeper into the narrator’s feelings about their God, exploring why they think He is too far away. It’s an interesting topic to integrate into the work!
Overall, I enjoyed reading this <3 Keep writing!
<3, chem