Published May 9, 2010
A pounding heart
Beating in time
With the ticking of the silence
The wide green eyes
filled with fear
Glistening with tears
The tears fall down her face
And wash away the dirt
and uncovers the bruises
Trembling lips
Lush as a dripping red rose
A voice stuttering with terror
Shaking as a shadow looms over
The stutters blend with pleading
The shadow comes closer
She wants to move
and run away
but its to late
The silent night is broken
The ticking silence is lost
By the scream that no one heard
No one cared to listen
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Your poem actually made me scared a bit, reminded me of one scene that I witnessed not long ago.
The way the.. tension's piling up with each line, makes me want to know what really happened to this girl.
I'm not going to tell you to change your username, because it's ridiculous. It's your choice anyway. But I just wanna say that this poem definitely doesn't sound as if it's been written by an untalented author.
Please, keep up the good work, and I'm really looking forward to reading more from you.
Your poem's filled with such strong feelings, that it almsot makes me feel uneasy. I'd like to read more of such strong poems from you^^
Untalented? Did you give yourself that name? If you did, it is not being modest; it is a diss, disrespect to what I have just read. This poem is like wow. I get to picture a million things all at once just to try and fit the description into my head. This is some deep stuff and you are only 13? Or maybe your name is like poetic and not literal right?
Hey - Creative!
So you are not untalented! You are actually very good at poetry. Hehe, consider changing that name.
So, this poem is very good and it has a good err..plot. So to speak. I get what you are trying to say, the story and everything; very good idea.
The first stanza is pretty good, but I feel it doesn't grab the readers' attention automatically.
The second stanza is a very good example of imagery. Excellent.
For,
I feel the simile isn't strong enough and just over all a not very good one, because how do you compare lips to what a rose is doing. Do you know what I mean? Like colour and everything is alright to compare, but not the droopiness or whatever.
Grammar; it's
And the last stanza,
I couldn't quite understand, because you're missing commas. And you have this issue with the whole poem, so just go over the pauses and whatnot to see where you need commas and periods - that's a really important aspect in poetry.
Anyway, this is a very good poem that needs a little bit of work.
Keep writing though!
PM me for any questions and needed help.
hey man
You're not untalented 
just thought Id tell you 
writing is a place where you dont have to be good 
it loves you anyway 
DONT STOP
heres a dancing purple elephant for you