Teen Angst and Rebellious Mistakes

Ok, so it needs some work,

It didn't feel like a poem, more like lyrics to Rihanna's song.

Just like some others mentioned, some of the stuff in your poem is in so many other pieces of writing.

I thought there wasn't a main subject just a whole mix of things like,

Flying and wanting to hold hands, and then it talks about teen angst......like what?


I found the poem was slightly confusing and i couldn't figure out what it really was about.


The part where it says "tempting" three times was very effective!

Good luck with writing in the future!

This is a nice poem, but there are a few things I would change and I wrote them underneath. This is a subject that has been done a lot, and what I'd like most from this is a more personal view. Even if you're just talking about it generally, what I'm feeling from this now is a bit generic. Anyway, here's some more detail =]


We grew up knowing right from wrong.
When we slipped, we would be punished.
Punishments helped us to hold our grounds.
They helped us to stay off the edge.

This part is an okay introduction. I don't like the way it's just 4 straight sentences, capital letter full stop. There's no flow.

But as we got older,
we would separate;
we would take risks.
We walked to the edge,
the “oh – so” addicting edge and loved every second of it.

Repetition of we isn't that nice, but I like the way you repeat edge that's better. Don't put oh so in speech marks though! It's poetry, nothing is out of bounds.

Every step you made was just so
tempting,
tempting,
tempting.

This is the best part. This repetition is perfect.

You feel so free in the howling wind.
You just want to spread your wings and fly.
That is when you get hooked;
when a punishment cannot restrict you from what you love.

I think the problem with this part is that that you're just stating the problem very simply, especially in the last line. I'd like more subtlety.

And when you slip,
no one can catch you,
no one can hold your hand,
and no on will be there when you fall.

This is really cliche, and I hate saying that >.> but it's been said so many times before! I'd just delete this stanza.

When you fall,
you will be renounced into a new world of
teen angst
and
rebellious mistakes
and never to be freed again.

I like this part though =] this is better. It says a similar thing to the last stanza, but more nicely and poetically.

The metre was really off, so was the structure. So it made the read a bit clunky - unless this was a creative choice, then OK.

I didn't enjoy the subject matter either, t'was a bit cliché and had no bite. Yes yes, teens are risk takers - nice one.

I did however enjoy the repetition of "tempting", it was nice. Broke up the two halves of the poem...

Alas - sorry to be so harsh, but it's only my opinion anyway.

Good luck

Love
Kris
x