Young Writers Society

unsterblichkeit36 wrote:I am the Sun
And you are the Moon.
I only see you rarely,
But hope to see you soon.

Like night turns to day,
Warm turns to cold.
My heart is like this
It never gets old.

We are so far,
Yet so close.
I am the patient,
You are my dose.

When we are together,
My rays shine brighter.
My heart skips a beat,
As you hold me tighter.

I have a new theory,
It is very clever.
The Sun will be with the Moon,
For now and forever

I am the Sun
And you are the Moon.
Our hearts beat in sequence,
And to the same tune.

This was pretty well written, except you tell us everything. When I read this, I don't feel any emotion or feeling. I can't relate to this. I can only read it. Maybe you can try to express more of what you feel? (It's hard for me to give an example because showing is difficult for me too)

The comparisons of the night and dark, cold and warm, etc. seemed a bit hackneyed, so maybe you might want to omit some of them.

The last stanza was my favorite. :]

Nice work

- Summerless

I am the Sun
And you are the Moon.
I only see you rarely,
But hope to see you soon.

I really liked it!
I thought you really put loads of heart into it, like you were really writing about a person knew
i love poems like this, where you compare your own life to other thigs around you, like the sun and the moon
i really enjoyed it - keep writing!

"I only see you rarely," Rarely is an adverb-it's garmatically incorrect to say 'I only see you rarely." Try "I rarely see you," Or "I only see you once in a while" Or "I see you rarely," and leave out "only" which would make it gramatically correct because an adverb can't modify another adverb. Besides that, it sounds kind of funny.
Overall, it's a very good poem, and I love the similies. You might try including a little more sophisticated language, or synonyms instead of repeating "see" so many times in the first stanza. Keep writing!

Just tellign everyone that it's edited and i don't have the points to repost right now but i will get to it!

Hi!

You've got a nice idea here, and some good lines, too, but I felt that this piece lacked the wittiness of rhymes and like the ability of surprising the reader. This poem still seems like the raw version, the base on which you're going to build the final poem, if you know what I mean. Most of your rhymes are a little cheap, and it feels like you had to content yourself with a flatter word or expression to make things rhyme.

Examples of that:

When we are together,

My rays shine brighter.

My heart skips a beat,

As you hold me tighter.

I have a new theory,

It is very clever.

The way you described love is really different here. Like "I am the patient , you are my dose", making this a good thing instead of the usual alcoholic/alcohol example. I would like to see more than just Sun/Moon repeated over and over in different verses, though. It would be good to add more verses like the 2nd to help fill out the poem. The weakest part, in my opinion, was the first one.

hiiiiiiiiiii......

On a whole...,i enjoyed reading the poem......
a good attempt and a nice poem

1)i feel you could improve the flow of lines like....

"I am the sun
you are the moon
i see you rarely
but hope to see you soon"

2)try to step up at the language part.i mean try using words that are not so common.

the last stanza is sumthng i jst loved........
especially the line
"our hearts beat in sequence
and to the same tune"....

good luck
keep writing.....