Published April 12, 2009
Whisper it
Say it
Scream it
Repeat it
I’ll never be it
Perfect.
Starve yourself
Cut yourself
Burn yourself
Gag yourself
I’ll always be it
Damaged.
Tried it
Done it
Succeeded it
Overcome it
You’ll always seem to
Hate me.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,890 Literary Works • 673,702 Reviews
I really liked this, it's poweful and heartfelt. I agree that you should remove the it's before perfection and damaged, then it flows better and fits in better
I'll never be perfect
I'll always be damaged
You'll always seem to hate me
It sounds better like that in my opinion. Apart from that, excellrent.
-Roo
it sounded like something off of an emo song's chorus.
it was that catchy.
Prolly not the best you got so far, but it's stuck like Glue Gun on my head now.
Your fault:)
xx
Great! Like the style, sparse but effective. Every single word carries it's due weight.
Only issue is the last two lines:
I like the separation of the "hate me," but the rhythm and flow of ideas that went so well in the previous sections felt hung-up here.
The last line changes the established pace and meaning of the poem well ,but perhaps a bit too quickly and drastically. Having a final "turn" in the poem is great, but somehow make it subconsciously more subtle or blended. Devlop the shock of the final line/turn, don't make it too abrupt.
Again, good poem.
wow. just wow! This poem is just great. I think many people could relate to this. That feeling of never able to succeed, or never being accepted, or not being able to accept one's self. I am very interested in seeing your other works.
This flows perfectly, and you build up nicely to an effective climax. I'd cut the "it"s before "perfect" and"damaged", as you don't really need them. The form is very good:the isolated words are powerful, and this is a nice touch.
For the sake of experimentation, I'd play around with imagery, and try showing rather than telling. If you need inspiration, Ann Dean, Elizabeth Bishop, Patrick Kavanagh, T.S.Eliot and Seamus Heaney, for example, are all excellent at description. Around this site, Suzanne, Kitty15, biancarayne and Incandesence, off the top of my head, are also extremely talented at it. Reading other poets will show you some of the different ways that you can do things.
Hope this helps.
Jas
I really liked this! I think it gets your feelings across really well, and it flows nicely.
haha
You could so make this into a song! I would listen to it
But one suggestion I have to make is maybe you should put some punctuation in it, just maybe. It would keep the reader from getting confused, but then again, it's kinda hard to get confused on this type of poem. And it looks cool without it, anyways. Haha
Either way, you have talent! Good job!
Ps: yea, sorry this review was kinda pointless haha
XoXo~AsH