Published May 23, 2009
Whisper to the wind
And call out to the world
Who I am.
Breathe in my name
Because it’s the last breath you’ll take.
Choke and stumble on the words
As you try to push them back up from your mouth.
Pull your hair back
Stick your fist down your throat
Vomit up the pool of words.
You’re done now.
It’s over.
It’s out.
But didn’t you just do
What you accused me of?
‘Bulimia,’ you called it.
So I guess it’s time for my turn.
I’ll whisper to the wind
And call out the world
Who I really am
This time,
I’ll breathe in your name
Because it’s the last breath I’ll ever take.
But I won’t choke and stumble upon words;
They slide down my esophagus with perfection.
My hair will rest perfectly on my shoulders
And my hands will finger lent in my pockets
The words are balanced in my stomach.
I’m done now.
It’s over.
It’s in.
Look who’s the bulimic now.
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141,457 Literary Works • 674,477 Reviews
Wow, powerful stuff!
Just a couple of little pieces of nit-picking. Firstly I think you need to look at adding in a few comma’s after some of your lines, e.g.
“Pull your hair back,
Stick your fist down your throat,
Vomit up the pool of words.”
Secondly you need a question mark after “Who am I?”
I told you it was just nit-picking.
Other than that I thought it was great!
To be honest, the title almost stopped me from reading this, but I'm glad I did. You did a great job portraying the subject in a non-glorified or cliche way.
That said, a couple things I caught:
You breathe (verb). You take a breath (noun). Watch this.
Also, I noticed that you don't really use commas and that the punctuation isn't entirely consistent. The way you have this poem structured, that isn't a problem, but I think it would be nice if you were consistent with the punctuation, i.e. f you decide to leave out commas, then don't use any commas.
I think this is a good composition of idea, the flow of it is clear and forceful, without smothering itself in explicitness. I liked the transition between the two halves, side, of the piece.
I did not like how every line starts out with a letter capitalized, because I know for a fact Microsoft Word does that automatically when you type on it. It makes it hard to read, because the sentences are broken up into so many fragments. Unless that is your specific preference for the poem, I think it would be far better presented if your corrected the capitalization throughout the piece.
-M.
I like it, it shows how humans try to make themselves feel better by making others like them. You also show in a very abstract way that humans can change. I hope to see more work from you.
Amazing, reminds me of my freshman year.
It's almost hard to understand, kind of.
There is so many metaphores people could aquire from this poem,
I think that's good.
I really enjoyed reading this, and I will check out your other work.
Thanks for allowing me the privlage of reading this wonderful, inspiring poem.
Also, I hope you keep on writing, your work should be put in a book, maybe you should try to submit your work to news papers or something.