I will to forget everything, but you
You, my light. You who held a finger of mine,
Cold and freezing, and melted inside.
I will to embrace, hold you
As you turned and I turned back.
Such tender blossoms fluttered; our sky so blue.
Your parting steps, your tender touch
So calm, it was that morn
You escaped my prison, my cage of desires.
And I was left to fend off
Again, for years.
Your back, as you moved on
And the words we said nothing about
They still sleep in my agonized heart.
But I was cruel, to you as us.
I had wanted you as my own
Hoped for the world to forget about you,
You were just mine.
But we were to walk apart
You far, so untouched, so far
In a hazy dream like world.
Guilty, as I remained, clutched in my own self
Wanting but giving nothing back
I hurt, you heard it right?
My pain which I shared and wanted gone
But I, a wretched being, never felt your hurt.
You were mine but I ask it often
Was I ever yours?
Do I even have this right to call you back?
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
This is really heart touching. The structure of this poem, even though the sentences and lines are short, really conveys a lot of feelings and flow. Somehow, I might be wrong, but I feel like the narrator is quite calm in this even though he/she appears to hold a lot of pain. Maybe the narrator knows things can't go back to normal and the only thing to be done was to reminisce about the past?
Anyways, this is really beautiful. However, one little suggestion from me would me adding more clarity to some of your sentences. For examples, the lines "But I was cruel, to you as us" and "I hurt you, you heard it right?" could do better with a bit of rephrasing.
That's all I have to say. Have a great day.
This was beautiful. If I'm right this was about love and lose that love, and wanting redemption for the stupid things that made some one lose love. Even if I'm not right I enjoyed reading this. I think, that my favrotie part of it is the words you used to show your thoughts.
Also I might as well say that this warmed my heart, and made me fell composion for whoever this might be about.
EverLight here with a review. This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned- you may feel offended anyway.
First Impression
This is really lovely and well written. You make a neat poet. Not one of the greats of course, but I think it works just as well.
Nitpicks & Grammar
You did well here.
Syle & Flow
Okay, there was this one part-
I know what you meant here, but I think you could write it in a way with more clarity. Try it like this-
Or try re-writing it.
Overall awesome job! Keep on writing!
EverLight Out