The Whisper
She was scared. She knew someone was following her but she didn't know who it was. Jana was unsure, but last night she thought she heard a whisper. Specifically to her. She couldn't make it out. but she wants to find out who is following her.
Jana was tall but not too tall; she also had short black hair. Her friend Andre was in the ninth grade with her. They are the best of friends. They have a special bond that can't be broken. Andre is considered one of the cutest boys in school. Andre doesn't have a girlfriend, but he wants to ask Jana out but she's too focused on finding out who is following her.
Mercedes is also one of Jana's friends. She met Jana when she was about to turn five. Jana was a few months older than Mercedes. They also have a bond, but one that does break every once in awhile. They have a different kind of bond but it keeps them together. Forever.
The three great friends have been in the same schools with each other since fifth grade. Until Mercedes had to move to a different school. They were torn that she had to move. They spent every waking minute they could with her. The time they spent with her was the best time out of their entire lives. Jana soon began to forget that someone was constantly watching her.
When Mercedes had finally moved away from them, Jana and Andre went back to the park they had first met in and talked about how they have seen each other mature over the years. Jana had completely forgotten about the follower until she saw him at the park. She noticed that he looked surprisingly memorable. Like she had seen him before many times almost everywhere including at school. She wanted to find out who he was but he ran away so she tried to run after him but then Andre realized who she was chasing after. So he ran faster and faster till he tackled him to the ground. Jana soon caught up to Andre and the follower. She was shocked. She was speechless. It was her older brother Austin. She thought to herself "How could this be, he's supposed to be in jail" so she asked him why was he following her. He didn't reply. So she asked him how did he get out of jail. He replied with "I broke out" Andre let Austin go and he ran away but Andre tried to get him but Jana just said to let him go.
Later that week she heard the whisper a little clearer but still not clear enough to tell what it said to her. she went home and a few hours later she got a phone call from the police telling her that Andre was shot to death in a park. She broke out and started to cry. She was so upset she didn't want to talk to anyone. She went out and tried to find Austin but he was nowhere near to be found, surprisingly. Days went by and no sign of Austin so she went back to the park that Andre and her first met. She saw him; she saw Austin she ran to him and started crying. He asked her what was wrong but he knew what was wrong with her. She told him that Andre was shot to death and that she misses him more than anyone else. The police drove by and Austin bolted away from the police and Jana.
Jana went home and went to sleep. This time she heard the whisper perfectly. She screamed. the whisper was from Austin and he said "you're next"
Hi, first off I wana say I review while reading, I think i get a better point across by doing so.
1. I absolutely love the beginning in bold. It grabs my attentions instantaneously.
2. The way you give the reader information is kind of off. Real stories most of the time dont shove information at the reader, but implement it some how into the story. I understand since this is a short story, you would have to compact alot in the limited space, but if the story was longer, that would not work well.
3.I realize that some of the story is written in pastense , and other parts in present. This is a problem i have too ;3
4. This story would be just beautiful if it was a full blown book. You should pursue that
5. Oh my goodness!!! Whyyyy :'''( Andre noo
In the end, good story. I really enjoyed it. I look forward to a continuation if you have one
Hi, first off I wana say I review while reading, I think i get a better point across by doing so.
1. I absolutely love the beginning in bold. It grabs my attentions instantaneously.
2. The way you give the reader information is kind of off. Real stories most of the time dont shove information at the reader, but implement it some how into the story. I understand since this is a short story, you would have to compact alot in the limited space, but if the story was longer, that would not work well.
3.I realize that some of the story is written in pastense , and other parts in present. This is a problem i have too ;3
4. This story would be just beautiful if it was a full blown book. You should pursue that
5. Oh my goodness!!! Whyyyy :'''( Andre noo
In the end, good story. I really enjoyed it. I look forward to a continuation if you have one
That bastard!!!!! Did he kill Andre?! Andre was so nice and innocent! Nooooooooo!!!!!!! *crying so bad*
Anyway... I really loved this story! I was fully into it. I never got bored! I have to say that from my perspective I think u have got some writing talent!
thank you so much
Firstly, welcome to YWS. Hope you're here to stay.
Okay, my problem with the first 3 paragraphs is that they need to have a relation to the story. Of course it's about the characters, but talking solely about characters without surrounding it with the plot of the story, tends to make the beginning uninteresting.
The story is direct and concise; no flowing transition, and no imagery. But from your age I think that's acceptable.
Overall, the plot is nice. With better elaboration, the story could be better.
Hello! Welcome to YWS!
The story has lots of potential, it is pretty interesting. I like the characters but I feel you could have described them a bit more. Like Austin. But this is just chapter one, so you have plenty of time to explain later
Plot wise, its good. A girl being spooked out by threatening whispers. Good
Now, I felt the text could have used a it of revision. You should read this once again, you'll know what I'm saying.
I feel, the text lacks fluidity. The number of periods you've used feels a little abrupt at each sentence. Its like when you're driving smoothly on a road and suddenly you come across a speed breaker.
I feel you should a lot of commas, it gives fluidity to the text and puts the reader at ease.
There is also a problem with the tense. At one point, the tense is in present and at another point the tense is past. You can notice this in the first paragraph.
There is also other problems, like the fact that everything is happening very fast in the story. I think you should slow down the pace of the story. Too much information, too fast.
Add more description.
Other than that, I don't find any more problems
Good job! Keep writing! I want to know what happens next!
You've got the makings of a good little thing here! Here are a few tips and tricks to try.
Your plot was pretty good, but as a reader I felt very detached from all the characters. Andre could be an astounding character, but he's described in a way that doesn't tell us much about him as a person. Same with Jana and Mercedes. It sounded a little like you were summarizing your own piece. I say give it a chance to grow! Give us some more dialogue between Jana and Andre, maybe describe the park or the first time they met. You wrote that they have such a tight bond; how so? What made their bond so close? What have they been through together? What do both of them like? Little character things like that.
Also, I'm confused as to why you gave the details about Mercedes when she didn't come into the story later. Maybe you could involve her somehow.
I was super curious about Austin. Why was he in jail? What is his relationship with Jana?
Maybe it would help if you wrote this in Jana's perspective. Then we would get to know more about the happenings between her friends and her mysterious estranged brother.
You certainly have the makings of a great writer in you! Aside from the stuff already mentioned and a few typos, you have got a good thing going! Keep writing, keep reading, and welcome to YWS!
You've got the makings of a good little thing here! Here are a few tips and tricks to try.
Your plot was pretty good, but as a reader I felt very detached from all the characters. Andre could be an astounding character, but he's described in a way that doesn't tell us much about him as a person. Same with Jana and Mercedes. It sounded a little like you were summarizing your own piece. I say give it a chance to grow! Give us some more dialogue between Jana and Andre, maybe describe the park or the first time they met. You wrote that they have such a tight bond; how so? What made their bond so close? What have they been through together? What do both of them like? Little character things like that.
Also, I'm confused as to why you gave the details about Mercedes when she didn't come into the story later. Maybe you could involve her somehow.
I was super curious about Austin. Why was he in jail? What is his relationship with Jana?
Maybe it would help if you wrote this in Jana's perspective. Then we would get to know more about the happenings between her friends and her mysterious estranged brother.
You certainly have the makings of a great writer in you! Aside from the stuff already mentioned and a few typos, you have got a good thing going! Keep writing, keep reading, and welcome to YWS!
Hello unitiger14,
First of all welcome to YWS. I hope you will have a great time here.
So here is my review, I hope it will help you.
A general impression is that the story you wrote has a lot of potential and it could also evolve into a mystery novel. The main idea is intriguing and catchy and I'm sure people would want to know what will happen to Jana from now on.
I presume that you are not a native English speaker. That's nothing to worry because I'm not one either and there are many people here who aren't.
Now to get to more precise matter, I must say first of all the you need to enrich your vocabulary because you become very repetitive sometimes and that's not very good in a story. For example for example in the second paragraph where you describe Andre, you write his name twice in two consecutive sentences. That's not very good, I would change the second Andre with "he" or "the boy". Also you use a lot of "but" and I think you should change it sometimes with "however" or other formulas.
Also a very important matter that comes to my mind is that you need to decide on a tense that you want to use because you used both the present simple and the past perfect. I would prefer past simple or past perfect (when the action is over) because it's a story but you had used a lot o present so it might be easier to just convert everything to present. Now I'm not an English grammar expert, far from it, but this is what I would do. But if you want you can rewrite the whole story using the past tense.
One last thing that I feel that I must say is that you should make sure that all the words at the beginning of the phrase are written with capital letter and you should also use more commas because sometimes the story is a bit hard to follow. Also make sure you write all the words separately because you linked some like:
inawhile = in a while (third paragraph)
wakingminutethey = I think you wanted to say "walking minute they" (forth paragraph)
sooncaughtup = soon caught up (fifth paragraph)
These are just nitpicks but sometimes they matter. Also one more thing is that a criminal who broke out of jail to show up in a park in broad daylight is a bit unrealistic. You might want to change that part a bit.
I hope this helps you. You do have talent and I'm sure that with perseverance and hard work you will become better and better. Can't wait to read other works from you.