Here's my poem all ready for the nice critiscm it's going to be put through. Oh woe what have I done! Lol, enjoy!
I’m sitting here believing, I’m bleeding,
And I’ve lost my soul again.
Can’t help it I’m helpless
In a world without no friends,
Without no friends, without no friends
They’re important, but they’re gone
I wont see my friends no more.
Then the new ones become the old ones,
I’ve moved on yet again.
We wont write, I wont see
Can’t tell those lies but I wont deny
The chances are so slim.
I’ll remember, forever
You’ll always lie within.
Cause we were friends.
In this lifetime
Forever you’re within.
And I’ll pray that we will meet,
Once more, and again we will see…
Each other.
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Canary word: Present
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Oh woe, they're all bullies, ignore them. I think it was more of a song than a poem though, but I'm trusting you to leave it the way it is. Keep at it girl, I know you've got it in you.
I didn't like this...The first line was week and you need punctuation. Without no friends is a double negative, it should be without any friends. I don't like the repetition at all, it didn't work.
Change it to any more. Add an apostrophe.
It sounds incomplete, add I in the beginning.
I think that it would be okay for a song, but not great. Also, the ending was really, really weak. I think that you need to do something at least at the end that will sum it up and appeal to emotions.... This poem really didn't make me feel anything and sort of dragged on. I thought that it was good writing, but I really didn't think that it appealed to emotions at all.
Nikki
Personally I found it read as a song, which isnt altogether a bad thing. If I were you'd I'd set it to music as is...kind of a country western song, maybe. As a song, its quite good. As a poem...well, its OK, but as has already been mentioned, you need to fix up your grammar and I think you should work on the flow a bit. Read straight (without music, hehe) it kind of falls flat.
I’m sitting here believing, I’m bleeding,
And I’ve lost my soul again.
Can’t help it I’m helpless
In a world without no friends,
Without no friends, without no friends
Brilliant for a song. I can hear the rhythm in my head. For a poem, though, 'no' should become 'my' and I'd scrap the last line altogether.
They’re important, but they’re gone
I wont see my friends no more.
Then the new ones become the old ones,
I’ve moved on yet again.
Again, I'm getting a sense of rhythm that fits a song more than a poem. Have you ever considered writing lyrics? Anyway, I'd alter the grammar here if you want this to be a poem, and perhaps add 'and' to the beginning of the last line.
We wont write, I wont see
Can’t tell those lies but I wont deny
The chances are so slim.
I’ll remember, forever
You’ll always lie within.
'I wont see' trails off without purpose. Wont see what? Who? We know what you're talking about (sort of) but it sounds strange and feels totally wrong. I'd add 'you again' to the end or something. Not sure if I like the rhyming here when you havent carried it through. I'd even out the rhyme scheme for a poem. For a song...again, just right.
Cause we were friends.
In this lifetime
Forever you’re within.
And I’ll pray that we will meet,
Once more, and again we will see…
Each other.
No offense, but that is a crappy ending. For a song it might come off but even so I'm 101% convinced it has to go. There is no splash, just a kind of whimper and it deserves a classy ending. Work on it until it has a bit more of a punch.
Overall, I liked it, but mostly because it came with its own musical score in my head lol. As a poem, it leaves a lot to be desired, but as a song its not half bad. Keep working on that ending!
I agree with matt. I really like the last stanza which is where you truly seem to capture the emotion. Fix the grammar and it would be a lot better to read.
Right, I'ma go through the poem systematically for once. Here goes.
I didn't like the repetition of "without no friends" (which should anyway, gramatically, be "without ANY friends", I didn't find it effective in this case.
"I won't see my friends no more" should be "I won't see my friends anymore".
"Won't", not "wont"
I think it would be more effective in the last stanza if you took out the ...
Um...that's it! Not bad, and...keep writing!
That nice enough criticism for you? =)