The alarm sounded and I knew the time had come for me to be united with my Maria, my love.
It had been two months ever since she was admitted in hospital, after being in the most traumatizing tragic accident, and after being out for two weeks, I had to see her today.
Rushing to the hospital made me realize how important she was to me. It kept me thinking of the good times I had with her. All the times that we would literally go out in the sunset together. How she managed to blind me from all the girls in the world but her. Such a beauty she was, fair skin, accenting mine when we are in close proximity, long wavy dark hair, brightening out her dark brown eyes. Oh I remember how her waist went from right to left every time she walked, it’s like she knew it was my weakness because she did it so smoothly that if speechless was a slap, it should have hit me. Maria gave the best hugs anyone would ask for, she would hold you tightly, pressing her chest against yours so as to tell you she had a bigger one. That too left me breathless. Never once did I feel alone, lonely or cold with her beside me, for I knew ‘June’ was mere ‘October’ with her around. The times we would meet at our usual rendezvous you would see her wide smile telling you there was no other place she would rather be than be there with you. We would laugh all day and tell endless stories. Maybe we were a perfect couple, I don’t know, but life felt undoubtedly perfect with her in my life.
Entering the hospital with my heart beating at its peak and my pulse racing, I stormed the reception with my bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolate, making it known I was visiting. I walked up to room 310 on the east wing of the hospital and as I approached the door separating me from her, a cold shiver of anxiety cruised through my body and for a fraction of a second assurance of happiness was in order.
I knocked once then knocked again before letting myself in. I opened the door slowly expecting to find my love awake and ready to go.
My heart stopped as I looked at her bed.it was a feeling that one need not feel in his life. She was gone! There was no one on the bed, it was bare. Mixed emotions filled my body for I knew not what was happening let alone what to do. Before I composed myself, a nurse entered the room and looked directly into my eyes like to suggest something. She then walked up to me and held my hands and said, “Am so sorry, her condition became so critical last night that she couldn’t make it to this day”. I dropped the flowers and the box of chocolate and fell to my knees. I looked up to the ceiling with my eyes filled with tears as questions of uncertainty ran through my mind.
Losing someone you love dearly is heartbreaking, enjoy life today while you can, with who you can enjoy it with, for as long as you can enjoy it, for when that day comes, it will be too late!
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hi,
(well, not so lovely for the character)
Lovely story
My favourite part was when you described his love for Maria, I thought that was exactly what you needed to make this story effective.
Just a couple of things I spotted which in my opinion have some room to improve!
I don't know, but maybe if you were to explain more about the accident it would be more heart-breaking for the reader. I believe just one more part can be added in order to bring tears to the reader's eyes. Maybe, since to be honest the ending was a bit expected, you could add a part in the end where his memories are no longer just enchaned by her but haunted, bringing him pain and despair. That would have definitely made me tear up. Or maybe she could come to him in a dream? You could add a simple but effective line to help your character move on? Sorry I don't mean to add my own ideas obviously, just trying to give examples in which you could make her death sadder.
Also, to me, when he finds out about her death is a bit rushed. Maybe instead of only describing what he does: "I dropped the flowers and the box of chocolate and fell to my knees. I looked up to the ceiling with my eyes filled with tears as questions of uncertainty ran through my mind." you could first emphasize what goes through his mind. His thoughts. That, I think, is the best way to get readers feel connected with the characters (especially when in first person).
Lastly, just look over a couple typos and capital letters!
Keep writing
Hi there! Lucrezia here to review.
This is a really strong, sad, and heartfelt piece. Like ArcticMonkey, I enjoyed the descriptions of Maria. They might've been my favorite part, and it was quite easy to picture her from them, so awesome job on that. Now for the nitpicks.
The ending felt a bit abrupt to me. I think this could've been even better had it been longer, detailing more about their relationship, the accident that landed her in the hospital, the main character's reaction to what the nurse said, etc. It also could've used a few more paragraph breaks, but that's not a huge deal.
There should be a "the" before "hospital." Also, the word "after" is overused and sounds repetitive. This is a bit of a long sentence. I'd swap out a few of those commas for periods. And, additionally, I think "the most traumatizing tragic accident" doesn't sound right. Almost redundant. I'd take out either the "traumatizing" or "tragic." Maybe the "tragic," since Maria hasn't died at this point (assuming no one else died in the accident, that is).
Adding in a few more details about the accident wouldn't hurt, either.
Okay, those are pretty much the only ones I spotted. Nice job on this! It was a good read.
Hi uncletyoyo! Here to review your story, it's been a while since I've reviewed something so bare with me, but I'll try my best to help you here
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So, I'll start off with what I liked about this piece. I think the message at the end was really touching and true, and it really makes you think just about what life can do to you sometimes. I like the whole concept of this, I'm not sure if this was a metaphor about generally how life can hit you hard, or a story that needed to be shared- either way it still leaves you thinking. I liked the descriptions about why the MC liked the girl so much, a bit more could be added to that, but you get the general feeling of it, so well done!
As for suggestions, firstly-
I think talking about what exactly the accident was would make the readers feel more sorry for him and the whole situation. It would just add more to it, because right now we don't know what happened so there's just a few chunks missing from this story.
I think that this is quite a short story, and I'm not saying it has to be pages and pages but I felt some things were quite rushed. For example, I think you only really mention memories with the girl- but maybe you could talk about them. I think a description of what happened between them one day when they were together would be really nice because it would add more background information. I think the problem here is the MC makes out as if their relationship was really strong, but then there's not background stuff to support that so it falls kind of flat. So perhaps a little side story would work here.
Another thing which involves this story being kind of rushed is when he doesn't see her in the bed, and before the nurse tells him that she didn't make it. I think the whole story needs to slow down here, and there needs to be shorter sentences, and more on this thoughts. I mean this is the love of his life, so he must be going through a lot. Maybe even nothing comes to his mind because he's so in shock, but you need to talk about that.
A quick suggestion here, the exclamation mark after gone doesn't seem to fit. Kind of linked to what I was just talking about, I think a full stop would read better, because it just makes it more abrupt. Also, saying there was was no one on the bed and then it was bare, is kind of repeating yourself. I think it would be better like, 'The bed was bare. There was nobody there.' I think it would add some more suspense too.
Overall, I think that this is a really good piece! The message at the end is really thought-provoking. However, generally this piece seems quite rushed so really try and think about details- especially to do with the MC's thoughts. Anyways, I hope this review helped- feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x