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Young Writers Society



The Deserter - Chapter 2, Part 2 (OUTDATED)

by ultraviolet


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Summary: Adah Edric, a banished princess, returns home once her brother assumes throne. After being made up on the journey home, she arrives at the castle.

Once I’m out, it’s a frenzy. It’s only early evening and the sun is still out, but every light outside the palace is lit up, casting a florescent glow on the large stone building. I want to pause as I first see it, to remember the last time I did, but there’s no time for that. I’m made to hurry inside so that I may be put in position without notice of the hundreds of important guests. I’m rushed through the halls and rooms and before I can grasp the situation, there I am at the top of the ballroom staircase, every eye on me as planned.

Without thinking, I smile, not because I want to, but because years of etiquette lessons have told me it’s the right thing to do. I wave, not briskly or lazily, but smoothly and methodically, as a princess should. I descend the staircase into the mass of partially awestruck, partially excitedly chattering people. By the looks of their faces, it’s easy to tell that though this party was on short notice and they had to rearrange their busy schedules, it was well worth it to see if the banished princess really has returned.

It seems everyone wants to see my face; everyone wants to shake my hand, to hear my words of greeting. Most congratulate me on my return; most mean it. But beyond the smiles and laughter, some people can’t help but radiate an aura of contempt. How dare I return, out of the blue, and be welcomed so easily, so freely, after all I did? Be so loved? I wish I could tell them I’m not - loved, that is. I’m money. I’m influence. I’m a celebrity, so I must be adored, though hated, and I must be praised, though insult is hidden just out of reach of their tongues. They don’t love me; they love what I stand for. And no one can take my place, so they tolerate me.

For the first half hour of the celebration, people congregate in the ballroom, teeming around me. Then we are moved, family by family, based on wealth and social standing, into the dining hall, which hosts two long tables, one on each side of the large room, and any number of smaller tables between, where people are free to move about. Normally I’d be first, but seeing as the feast is for me, I enter last and am the first to take food. Once I start on a bowl of wild rice soup, the rest are allowed to join in.

Before I’ve taken three spoonfuls, a cumbersome man with a golden bowtie finds me and insists on dancing to the music playing in the background. The scent of the soup, and every dish beside it, is tantalizing, and since the only thing I’ve eaten today save for the nuts and berries is a rushed breakfast, my stomach moans for it. But geniality has to be my first priority, and I reluctantly agree.

“It’s a pleasure to see you back in the palace, princess,” the man says. “It’s been too long.”

“I agree,” I say, faking familiarity. “It’s a pleasure to be back.”

While before the faces came and went before they could really register and I needn’t have remembered any of them, I feel I should know who this man is - not just because of the situation, but because his brown curls and burnt skin honestly looks familiar. I just can’t place him.

There a little static in my ear, and then Vanadis comes through clearly. Midel Pewter.

How did he know who I was with? I wonder if he hid a tiny camera in my dress, and I resist the urge to search the lace.

Once I hear the name, though, I know it’s right. I remember his name from my memorization of illustrious leaders. The pictures and information I put to memory are from a few years back, from before I was sent away, and are now obviously outdated. He has a sprinkle of gray hair now, and his skin is less taut. But his chin is still prominent, and easy to recall.

“Still working as the head overseer at the training grounds?” The question cards all come to mind, and that one is the most appropriate - not only does it break the ice, it also shows I remember him.

He smiles. “Not anymore,” he says, pride evident. “I’ve been promoted to weapons management for the Combat Zone.”

I’ll start my training at the grounds, and I can’t say I’m disappointed I won’t be seeing him every day. I’ve heard a few too many stories about the dictatorship of the grounds, mostly about the overseer. I wonder who’ll be taking his place.

“Congratulations.” I smile sincerely, as I had practiced many times before. The muscles in my face feel too forced for the motion, though, telling me I need to regain the practice. Some things are still natural after two years away, but some have become rusty. I hope I look okay.

For the rest of the song, we make idle chitchat. Then, someone cuts in. Vanadis tells me the name. I don’t care, but I pretend to. For what seems like hours, this repeats - dancing, cutting in, hearing their name and sometimes a bit of information, dancing again. I am pleasant with each one as they praise my return, share a story, are sorry for my loss. It takes a moment to realize what they mean by that, then I understand - my father. The old king. I’m not sure how I feel of his passing - sad, or otherwise.

Finally, Vanadis says, You need to get back here now.

Not very regretfully, I tell the man I’m dancing with I must leave, and weave my way through the crowd. I enter a door under the staircase, which leads to a room with an elevator that takes me up a level, unseen. From there, I am led to a balcony that looks over the dining hall, and the lights are dimmed. The room hushes, and a spotlight is put on me.

Vanadis speaks, and I convey the message as my own.

“Thank you all for coming here tonight.” A microphone on the balcony ledge spurs on dozens of speakers, which emanate my voice in sweeping echoes. “It’s amazing to be back in my wonderful country. I’m so grateful for the warm welcome I’ve received. Your support has made my return not only possible, but a joy for me and my family.”

Whoever wrote the script has obviously never met me, so it’s a very good thing neither has most of the populous; at least, not the me that’s not staged. Because I’m not thankful. I’m not grateful. It’s not a joy. There are a number of things I could call it, but they would all most likely start a riot.

Instead of saying them, I wipe away a tear that’s not there and back away from the microphone, as though overtaken with emotion. Applause thunders through the hall, and I know I have done my job well.

I am a magnificent liar.

Okay, I still have the Hunger Games feel, I think - any ideas on why, exactly, and how to fix that? Even drastic suggestions to help. I think that starting with the next chapter, that vibe is at least going to lessen, thanks to the direction I'm taking this. Other than that, I'm looking for the same things as in the previous chapters. And if you like, press like. :D


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1087 Reviews


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Mon May 02, 2011 8:08 pm
Sins wrote a review...



I'm baaaaaaaaaack!

I thought I'd finish this chapter before I retire for the night. I'm starting school again tomorrow after having 2 weeks off... Ergh... ¬_¬ Not that it's related to any of this... Sorry. On with the review! (I promise this one won't be as long, rambly and annoying)

One thing I will say is that there aren't nearly as much short sentences here as there are in the first chapter and the beginning of the second one. Maybe you just had a jittery spot in those, eh? Or I'm just paranoid... Most likely, but yeah, yay! Also, I can see you're improving with every part I read, so I can't praise you enough for that. As always, grammar was awesome--much better than my grammatical skills, and the whole technicality of our writing is very good.

I do have to agree with Snoinkers on what she said about this part being, well, not boring for me personally, but a bit uneventful. I mean, we only got to meet one guy. I think it would have been interesting to meet some other people who danced with Adah. It would have helped us get to know the general public of where she lives. I think you could have spent more time on the feast itself, basically. You mentioned how some of the people didn't like her returning. Show that to us. Maybe she can notice a group of people who keep glancing at her and whispering things to each other. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think you could show us the whole atmosphere of the feast a bit more.

On a similar note, I would have liked to have seen more of the MC's speech until she 'got emotional'. Wouldn't the audience find it weird that she said so little, but got so emotional? Besides, I'd like to see a bit of a speech anyway to flavour things up. I'm weird like that. For all I know, this could carry on into he next chapter and there may be more of the speech then, but I have a feeling that doesn't happen.

I feel kind of bad now because I think I'm just about done... I either give you a massive, rambly review or a rather unhelpful short one. Everything seems to have been said already, and anything else I have left to say are things I've already mentioned in the first two reviews. All in all, I really like the way this novel is shaping up. A really great job, Ultra-v!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




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Sun May 01, 2011 8:48 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



Yay! I'm back for more! :D

I've never read The Hunger Games (I know, I am a horrible person, etc., etc.) so I can't help you with that, unfortunately! :( However, if it makes you feel better, I like it! :D

This chapter ending seemed... really boring. Which I hate to say because, really, I adore the story and your characters and the way that you write, which is why I even joined the club! But, this chapter seemed a little dull and it lacked the kind of spark that you had previously in the chapters. Maybe it's because she is bored out of her mind right now, but it seems a bit too easy, if you know what I mean. She gets in the role she has, she doesn't seem to make any mistakes, she doesn't say the wrong thing or not say anything in the wrong place. It just seems weird, like you're taking the easy way out.

Also, this chapter doesn't seem like it's driving forward really much, especially compared with the other chapters. You mention the contempt of the people that are around her... which is great! That's a potential conflict! The problem is, you don't really do anything with that. What if these people, who really don't like her, try to trip her up? I don't mean in the physical way. I mean, they try to get her to speak too much or whatever. Maybe you don't really want to deal with this whole side plot and would like to continue on with the story but... well... you spent this much time with this side plot already, so you might as well make the most of it and develop it as much as possible!

Also, maybe I'm just a sucker for this sort of thing, but I think it would be really neat if you had more people. She doesn't have to know them, of course. But she needs to listen to them and see where they stand.

Also, I would really really like Vanadis to talk with her before she's made the speech. I want to hear some of the commentary he has of the people or concerns he might have. Or, maybe he dismisses the concerns she has. Or maybe she asks about the camera that she wonders if he's put in her lace. Things like that. If you're going to have this scene, make the most of it! :D




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Mon Apr 11, 2011 9:44 pm
Shearwater wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to review this!

Now, it seems like Azila got to it first and usually, after Azila does her reviews I'm left with little to say but even so, I'll try my best to provide a semi-decent review.

There a little static in my ear,

*There's a little static...
since the only thing I’ve eaten today save for the nuts and berries is a rushed breakfast,

Plural, should be "things" since it's more than just one thing she ate in the whole day.
However, I think you mean it the other way as in, just breakfast. If that's the case, you'll have to add a comma after today and berries to separate them.
Do you know what I mean? :/ Sorry if I'm not explaining it that well. xD
The muscles in my face feel too forced for the motion, though, telling me I need to regain the practice.

I'm pretty sure you don't need that comma there. . .
I am pleasant with each one as they praise my return, share a story, are sorry for my loss.

This sentence doesn't really make sense. Are sorry? I think a bit of rewording will do this sentence some good.

Now, the only real big problem I had for this piece is the ending. She says a few words and then pretends to wipe away a tear and the crowd goes wild? She's not fooling me and honestly, I doubt anyone would be fooled so easily in such few words. You need to put more emotion into her speech and description to really elevate her up and make the reader fooled too. At least until you mention it's all fake. Make us feel something - but it was so short, so fake that I nearly had to laugh at it.

Anyway, as I mentioned, there's really not too much I have to say about it. Your chapter was a bit simple with just a feast/welcome party setting so there wasn't much to pick out from that. Your writing was good but I'm going to have to agree with Azila on the fact that you sometimes over emphasize things to come out as really important and that could get a little annoying. I'd tone down that bit of your writing and try to simplify a few things.

Okay, I'm done. This was a terrible review but if you need anything more from me. I'm here!
Keep writing! :D
And let me know when you post more. ^^

-Shear




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Sun Apr 10, 2011 11:42 am
borntobeawriter wrote a review...



Hey there Violet,

I see the great Azila has gotten here before me *sigh* ;)

As she said, this felt less like HG and if you're really taking this in a new direction, I can't wait to see more! Of course, Azila's right about her being famous and stuff even though she doesn't want to be. Either she's read HG more than once, or she's got an awesome memory lol

The thing that bothered me was the speech. I was actually trying to read it aloud like she would be doing, and having someone read it to me first in my ear. Um, Yeah. Not happening.

Also, I would also jump out of my skin if someone suddenly spoke in my ear. Maybe have her jump and come back from it, gracefully, you know?

I have no other nitpicks, I'M really enjoying this, thank you for the great read!

Tanya




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Thu Apr 07, 2011 5:08 pm
Azila wrote a review...



Hi! I've only got a few minutes before I have to go so I'm going to make this review as quick as I can.

It's looking good. You've certainly got a lot of great stuff going on here--it's very readable, very addicting. You do an excellent job of portraying moods. Not necessarily emotions of particular people, but moods in general. You do a good job of making me feel like I am actually in your world. Good job.

I think the parallel with Hunger Games is strongest because of your main character. Personality-wise, she's very similar to Katniss--but that's not a terrible thing because, frankly, there are a lot of novels about rebellious, tough females, so it's just sort of a motif you're picking up from literature in general, not necessarily HG. But you've also got this situation that makes your MC famous even though she didn't do anything. She has followers and haters and people trying to get on her good side, just because of who she is and because of things that have been done to her, not because of anything she did. But if you really do plan on making this very different from HG as the novel proceeds, I'd say don't worry about it. This chapter wasn't as reminiscent of Hunger Games as the previous one was, so it's getting better already! I actually think that once you really get into the groove of writing this, it shouldn't be too much of a problem.

There's something that you do a lot that bothers me a little bit. The way you write makes it seem like everything is really important--really symbolic and poignant. It's nice, but it sort of gets too much after a little while, since the whole piece ends up seeming sort of monotonously meaningful, so there aren't any parts in particular that stick in my mind. I'd say maybe put in some more filler in between the important things?

Also, I think you need to work on making that whole thing with the ear-piece more realistic. For one thing, if it were me I know I would jump out of my skin every time someone started talking in my ear--well, I would definitely jump the first time anyway, because I wouldn't be expecting it. It would also be really hard to make a speech without reading it. It's really hard to just repeat things that are being told to you, even if you are good at it. Which reminds me: is she used to having the ear-piece? I can't tell if it's normal for her or if it's a novelty.

Actually, I think that can be extended to the whole piece: I'd like to know what is normal for her. I'd like to know which things she is used to and which things are new experiences for her. Is she used to being the center of attention? I she used to making speeches? I get the sense that she is, but I want to know how/if this instance is different than usual.

Well, I gotta go! I hope this helps.

Please pester me if you want to.

a





I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
— Solomon Short