I walked down the church aisle with a single white rose in my hands. My father was at my side, guiding me towards the front of the sanctuary. In the first pew sat my teary-eyed mother, praying to the Lord to help her let go. She couldn’t hold on to her youngest daughter forever, try as she might.
A preacher stood at a podium, ready to do another routine service. He would attempt to personalize it, to bring out the heart of the strangers he was praying over, but he would disappoint. He didn’t know Marley, and he didn’t know me, so he would fail.
As I made my way past rows of turned heads and familiar faces, my mind was unnaturally numb, unable to process the event at hand. The emotions I was feeling were so far beyond any I had ever felt before. Only one sentence could be strung together in my head, and as such was repeating over and over in an unbelieving, monotonous voice. I’m actually here, this is actually happening.
When we got to the front of the church, my father abandoned me, leaving me to absorb the moment as best as I could. I stared at Marley’s youthful face, at brown curls that framed tan freckles and blue eyes.
Those same blue eyes had a glossy effect, like they were glazed over. They saw without seeing, and would no longer light up with laughter, or swim with heartbroken tears. An organist started playing a mournful tune, and I gently laid the rose on Marley’s folded arms. I retreated back to my parents as the organist broke off.
Encased in overwhelming sorrow, I wept silently as the preacher began the funeral of my little sister, Marley.
...
I know it's really short. I'm thinking about expanding it to beyond the funeral. If you wish to comment, would you tell me if I should or not?
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139,537 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Overall, I would say that this is a good story, and I like the twist.
However, one thing really jumped out at me. If this is a funeral for her sister, why are her sister's eyes open. That doesn't make sense.
Other then that, I liked it. I really don't have any other complaints.
Good job.
Cheers,
Pros
Oh, wow! You totally had me convinced that it was a wedding untill the end. Kinda depressing.
Very clever and original idea. I didn't really have any problems with it, except for this one sentence:
I think this word should be "were", to keep with the tense. It sounds a little awkward, either way. Why not try something like "I had never felt anything quite like this before."
Overall, excellent job. A depressing, but still entertaining read. I don't think you need to expand it unless you want to.It's nice the way it is.
-Dreamy
Heyaaa
I'm here to review as requested.
You don't need the comma here. I really liked the metaphors though.
I don't know if it's just me but it seems as though there's a word or two missing after 'began'. Maybe it's just me though...
Overall
Considering this is short, I can't really give you a thorough critique. As a whole, I thought that this was pretty good! You had some nice descriptions in here and I especially like a few of your metaphors. I mentioned the two that I really liked in one of the nit-picks. From what I can tell so far, this could certainly be a great story. You left me asking questions like how your MC's sister had died. When she died, how old she was, why she died etc. It's always good to leave your readers asking questions at the end of a chapter or a prologue. Thankfully, your character doesn't annoy me but I don't really see her as a unique character right now though. That's fine, to be honest, considering this is only a few paragraphs long and it's only the beginning. As for your spelling and grammar, it was very good! I only found three nit-picks which is certainly a good thing. Some of your descriptions were very nice and they didn't take over the entire piece. You sprinkled the odd description here and there which worked very well.
My main critique for this is actually to do with the length, kind of. I don't know if it's just me but I felt as though this was a bit rushed. Us readers didn't really have the chance to feel your MC's emotions. I mean, it's a funeral. There are lots of emotions circling around in funerals. I would love for you to express them a bit more clearly. If you did that, this piece could be even better. Also, if you showed the emotions more clearly, us readers will feel more connected to your MC. By feeling the same emotions as your MC, us readers can emphasize with them. It's not that you haven't got any emotion in this at all, it's just that I don't think there's enough. The main reason for this I think is because the piece feels a bit rushed to me. You should describe the atmosphere a bit more. Tell us what people are wearing, for example. You could even drag it on a bit, that can show a feeling of sadness in a story if done well.
Other than this, I don't really have anything to say because this was pretty short. Sorry I'm not much help... Anything else that I would say has already been said. One thing I do have to say though is that, unlike previous reviewers, I actually assumed it was a funeral at the beginning of this. I didn't think it was a wedding but that might just be me. Everyone else seemed to think that it was. Maybe I'm just a freak.
Keep writing,
xoxo Rhian
Clever how you made it seem like a wedding when it really was a funeral. I think that's why I didn't really understand or feel the emotions until the end. The story isn't long enough for me to get hooked. I wouldn't recommend you extending it because I don't see the story going any further than this. The whole point of this was to surprise the reader by making it a funeral instead of a wedding, right?
You're right. I meant for this to be thought of as a wedding scene, and not until the last paragraph or two tell you it's a funeral, and that Marley is her sister, not the groom. Did it work? And anyone have any ideas how I could make the ending better? Comments appreciated.
loveness, ultraviolet
Hey ultraviolet!
Nice twist in events, I don't know if you meant to do this (probably) but I thought this was the MCs wedding day.
You did a wonderful job in the beginning! But unfortunately the end is lacking. It left me disappointed. You should describe in more detail the sorrow of the MC. I suggest maybe adding a flashback of the MC and Marley?
I think you should continue the story from after the funeral. What was life like without Marley? Will the MC and her parents be able to cope? What do other people say about Marley's death?
If you have any questions, you can PM me!
-SodapopLunchbox
I really liked this. The MC seems to care about Marley a lot but I fear that your MC has been overshadowed by Marley a little. Her name isn't mentioned and if it is (My bad.
Keep Writing, Anger.