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Untouched

by ughleon


Nature had won. The deep green tunnel engulfed me as the young birds sang soothing songs and the multi-coloured insects scattered around my feet. The powerful natural bright light that shone from the other side blinded all from just a single glance.

Softly, an earthy scent of nature bounced of the walls. I sank into the damp soil from the tunnel as I struggled to see due to the mixture of pure darkness and heavy beams from either side of the tunnel. At the far front of the tunnel dainty yet stongly fragranced jasmine flowers could be spotted laying carefully on the walls of the mystical wonderland pathway.

Light engulfed me as I stepped out onto the other side where the concrete cities everyone is so used to were replaced with intricate natural structures, varying from the refreshing morning dew placed with caution on top of the silky grass or the luscious and juicy peaches hanging proudly off of their respective trees. This place had materialised a blissful state of mind, it was where every busy mind dreamed of being, it could easily be confused with the golden gates in the clouds.

The earthy smell had been replaced by a flowery fragrance, full of the reddest roses and the prettiest violets. Perfect to relax your mind and create a floating sensation. Dampness from the silky grass below seeped through my paper thin shoes, gently wetting my toes. A rainbow of flowers looked up at me from there soft patch of soil where they laid peacefully, letting their scent gently ooze out into the surrounding area. When examining the dainty flowers closer tiny exotic bugs of all colors roamed the surface, occasionally getting lost within the many layers of petals which resembled a labyrinth.

Looking down on the area was a proud waterfall with crystalline water cascading down heavily before landing in a rocky lake filled with all sorts of harmless fish. This action strongly reminded me of life, the water had thrived but had then come crashing down and lost its identity, became meaningless, as it merged with its surroundings.

There I layed surrounded by nothing and everything all at once, surrounded only by nature, surrounded by everything except for the one thing I hated;

humans.


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Points: 402
Reviews: 7

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Fri Jan 27, 2017 5:09 pm
Aoifeee246 wrote a review...



Hi there,

This is a very well written and considered piece.
I can immediately identify that the purpose of this is to communicate your own interpretation of Utopia, conjured from your own mind. That you have done, very well.
What struck me most about the piece was one sentence, in the middle.

"Dampness from the silky grass below seeped through my paper thin shoes, gently wetting my toes."

It grounded the reader with a vivid, almost tactile description. That for me really stood out in this piece. The descriptive writing is excellent, though I think without that line it would have been hard to place myself there, so well done!




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5 Reviews


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Fri Oct 07, 2016 1:26 pm
TheDG wrote a review...



Hi ughleon,

I'm new, but I'm still going to try my hand at reviewing your artistic writing.

Your writing is beautiful, and it serves it's purpose. The writing gives me a very peaceful, picturesque scene in my head.
It doesn't have any direction or plot to it, but that is how artistic writing goes, I suppose..
I will give this 5 stars, but I don't think you should integrate this into a story. Parts of it are okay, but the whole thing would be too long, even though it is beautiful, and readers probably would skip it.




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Sat Jul 23, 2016 8:45 am
FlowerSeedsAPlenty wrote a review...



This is a wonderful piece in the narrative perspective of things. However, there is no plot as I can only make out one event: A person finds a place uninhabited by humans.

Since this is in the Art category, I will rate it 10/10. This is very much, an artistic piece of writing. It takes full advantages of what how we imagine our five sense will be if we were placed in an imaginary setting.

I can only think of one thing to say, ultimately, about this piece: Use it as an introduction to a novel. The possibilities that can come out of that would be endless.




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67 Reviews


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Sat Jul 16, 2016 6:48 am



Amazing.




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Tue Jun 28, 2016 11:38 pm
nwakaemechinonso12 wrote a review...



Suddenly I feel a weight shift on the left of my form, and it draws me out of my panic as I glance and see a comforting sight inside the untouchable contents of your book.

Another mass of clothing sits next to me, the moment i discovered your write up on Young Writers Society, it was at the process of reading this story of yours that i forgot to wear my night pants because i was so glue to the style of your writing.

the Novel has many face to admire, so many hair to run my hands through, nothing that would make it look beautiful if i had not come across your creative work.

But I feel the beauty of your writing skills radiating from the content of your story. with the intensity of a sun people will still desire to read what you write.

I feel pressure on my hand as I assume they want to make sure I'm like them who dont want to read your work, and I enclose my hand around theirs. I see the hat on their head shift upwards from where our hands should be, to look near where my scarf is.

I can think of no conversation we can make, or if they'll even hear me say anything, but I do remember this piece of text I had only just moments reading your book.

this words in your story "Looking down on the area was a proud waterfall with crystalline water cascading down heavily before landing in a rocky lake filled with all sorts of harmless fish. This action strongly reminded me of life, the water had thrived but had then come crashing down and lost its identity, became meaningless, as it merged with its surroundings". reminds me life and how life can be so funny.

you are a great WRITER




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Sat Jun 25, 2016 1:34 am
felistia wrote a review...



Hi ughleon, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Title: I definitely think your title fits your piece. It is simple and yet says everything there is to your piece. :D

Theme: I really like the natural theme running through out the piece and how relaxing reading the piece was. I completely agree with the message you put through out the piece. I also think that way about humans in general. :D

Description: Your description really carried the piece and was so beautiful. I think you over did it in a few areas, but for the most part it was wonderful. I think you could include a few more animals though like maybe a shy deer standing in the shade of an ancient tree. :D

Grammar and Punctuation: This sentence has way to many adjectives for the word light

The powerful natural bright light that shone from the
I'd remove at least two adjectives.

Overall this was a great piece and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D




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Thu Jun 23, 2016 8:46 am
Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hey there! Wow this is really intriguing - I was intrigued firstly by the title and thought it created a lot of ambiguity in regards to what this was about . You've clearly portrayed the point about how nature is better than man made things - or humans - as you say bluntly at the end ; of which, is really powerful in its effect. There's lots of really awesome description in this, like your use of sibilance in "soothing songs" , and I really like how you were "engulfed" - that's powerful. One thing I would say, is the sentence of "concrete cities everyone is so used to were replaced by intricate natural structures" - I think it should say "concrete cities everyone WAS so used to" and then it would match the rest of your past tense. I must say though, that sentence really intrigued me! It's like everything's swapped around . I interpreted it as , rather than deforestation and the building of infrastructure we see the destruction of infrastructure and the building of nature? I don't know if that's right but seems cool :P . Yeah this is really awesome! And intriguing ! Well done! :)





Maybe we're all just complex human beings with skewed perceptions of each other.
— Ventomology