The human mind is difficult to predict,
what someone would do in the next 5 seconds is one of the most difficult things to predict,
thats why some science cant, after all these yrs predict, or control the human mind,
i'll tell you about my best friend, Jude... someone i trusted to the very end,
we've been friends for 15 yrs, we played in the snow, did everything together, we had this code, a code of friendship, to be buddies forever no matter what, i thought, we thought, we knew each others next move, so often we drew at competitions, we planned and hoped we'd marry twins.
But suddenly, his Dad got elected in congress, and everything changed,
My buddy, suddenly became too busy for me, he barely took my calls, and seldom returned my messages, and i ask myself, is he the same person?
Recently he hooked up with Claire from high school, and that ended the boys weekend we spent together,
I'm not gay, neither is he, and hell no i'm not jealous,
But i never expected he'd forget me when he got to the top.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Now, I'm feeling ruthless. Remember that YWS has a 2:1 review to submission ratio, so please, do some reviews. If you need any help there, just drop me a line.
The grammar for this is atrocious, at parts. I'm sorry, but it lacks any sort of cohesion and feels to me like you just sat down, wrote this and posted it without even thinking to return a second glance. Well, I'll go through this and offer my thoughts, but really, it feels to me as if you haven't put in any effort at all.
Well, all right. A little clichéd, but it could go somewhere, and as an opening line, it isn't too bad. What I would recommend is that you give it more a theme and relate this to the actual poem and what is to come.
Erm... is this remotely relevant? We've already asserted that it's difficult to predict things, so this is more or less a redundant part of a sentence that doesn't even make sense grammatically (it doesn't fit in at all without a semicolon or a connective or a full stop). Why is it so difficult? What do you mean?
I'm officially bored. The bad grammar is making a rather useless and irrelevant line even more irritating to read. Remove it.
This is now starting to read as prose. The thing is, there's so far been no real connection between these lines, or at least, it hasn't been going into a theme or a poem or anything until now. There's a green shoot here, in which you've got an idea (this person) but I'm struggling to see anything or than a story developing, and no real imagery or ideas to guide it through.
Okay, the flow here is more or less non-existent. Did you mean to put all of this one big paragraph? Because seriously, it's not working. You're giving us information that we really don't need to know (bold). This is where the poem's improving, if by the slightest only. I think you're main issue is that you're thinking up a lot of ideas but then you're just jumbling them together and it doesn't really work on paper. You're going to need to separate them and put them in readable, imaginative ways. And why the chatspeak in a poem? Why?
At the end, the rhyming of "competitions" and "twins" works well. You should do this more often. It's where you've got nice and simple ideas coming across in a way that sounds better. The theme is there, now, but we've taken far too long to reach it.
Too much detail. I think if you instil a little mystery, like just say one day he couldn't play anymore, we'll wonder why. Then maybe drop hints about congress. Because although everyone has parents, dead or alive, it seems to me as if you just through it in and it's not really about Jude anymore. Wonder that, after all, be the main character's focus? There's no need to put the "and everything changed in" because it's something we'll understand if you show us the change shortly after.
PROOFREAD. I'm not really sure how you could post something in this disarray, to be honest. But anyway.
You've got another idea here. Follow it through. The idea of an identity change would what I would recommend to be the soul of the poem, because once again, the story has taken us far too long to reach.
Okay, weird. This makes it sound as if he hooked up with Claire after the weekend, but it can't have been, because otherwise it wouldn't have been wrecked by her. You've got a few tense errors scattered about in here. I'm also wondering what his dad going to Congress has anything to do with this? Once again, an idea just isn't connected. You need to connect them, and now!
Why would the narrator of the poem get so defensive like this? It feels like you're just trying to protect some kind of masculinity that the character might have lost by being sad his friend has a girlfriend? It's silly and childish and doesn't bring about any kind of emotion that even if the narrator is emotionally stunted should be hidden like that. It's another thing that would be explained without just stating the obvious.
Again, you should follow this through. The poem, in my opinion, should be just about Jude except with a little emotion to connect with the narrator at the end--that would be my principle advice, because once again, the things don't match up. His dad's in Congress, and so he has a girlfriend, and then suddenly he's at the top? Why? There has to be come sort of clarification in here. That said, the last line does work in comparison to the rest of the poem.
I'm sorry I couldn't really give a proper review as I'd have hoped, but frankly, this needs major work. In fact, no--rewrite this entirely. Keep the idea, by all means, but build up a theme around it. There needs to be a heart and a soul to this. The ideas have to be reflected in a way that reflects the character of the narrator, and I believe metaphors and similes would be the way to do that. Also, be more emotional. It's very difficult to do that kind of poem if the narrator just refuses to acknowledge his feelings, yah?
The idea of the code is quite interesting, so I'd follow that through. Then have a big contrast when he suddenly leaves and stops knowing the narrator. Remember to consider the flow of the poem, because that's how it sounds to the reader and right here there isn't any. An odd rhyme works well because there's so little otherwise, and so you'll want more varied devices.
Anyway, best and all. Hope I helped. Please PM me if you would like me to go over what I've said; sorry if I was a little harsh.
Blinky
This is bland, and kind of boring. You need the opening line to draw the readers in and hook them so that they're interested in the rest of your poem.
I think the last part of this is being redundant 'most difficult things to predict' maybe use some imagination and think of something new to say. (sorry if that was rude or blunt I just want your work to be the best it can be)
cant should have an apostrophe in between the n and the t. Years is not spelled yrs that is chat speak, and you if you want your work to be taken seriously then i would avoid using chatspeak (once again sorry if that was rude or blunt) Also I think this line could be chopped up into smaller lines. I think the poem would flow better if it was made up of shorter lines and more than one stanza. But then again it is your poem so do what ever floats your boat
Always capitalize your i's
This line is way to long. Chop it up pretty please
once again i's need to be capitalized
I don't like this line. If you're trying to get the point acrossed that it still hurt to lose a friend, but you're still happy for him than go a different route. Just because you are sad you lost a friend doesn't indicate that you are jealous or gay...
I like this ending(even though you need to capitalize an I). SO what I would do is take out the line above and take out the but in the beginning of this sentence.
It was a nice try, but it needs alot of work.
The human mind is difficult to predict,
What someone would do in the next 5 seconds
Is one of the most difficult things to predict,
That's why some science can't,
After all these years predict,
or control the human mind.
I'll tell you about my best friend, Jude
Someone i trusted to the very end.
We've been friends for 15 years,
We did everything together
We had this code, a code of friendship,
to be buddies forever no matter what.
I thought, we thought,
We knew each others next move,
So often we drew at competitions,
We planned and hoped we'd marry twins.
But suddenly, his Dad got elected in congress,
and everything changed,
My buddy, suddenly became too busy for me
He barely took my calls, and seldom returned my messages.
I ask myself, is he the same person?
Recently he hooked up with Claire from high school
That ended the boys weekends we spent together,
I'm not jealous that he moved on,
But It still hurts to lose a best friend
Espcially since I never expected
He'd forget me when he got to the top.
Please PM me if you have any other questions
Good work
-Tiffany