Welcome to Severin, a vast mystical and wondrous place, full of Kings,Queens, Thieves, nights, monsters, dragons, towns, villages, Kingdoms, and also war... but this tale is focused on 4 men, 4 very different men, Adam, John, Pat and Nate. These 4 Knights were friends since they were kids, they all signed up to be in King Keanu's army ( There are 5 Kings, one litch and one major group, King Keanu is the King of the humans in the western Kingdom) after there noble, yet boring service they became, the Knights of Severin, helping anyone no matter there King, but 10 years after they settled down a great war broke out, now after 12 years of war they are asked to suit up once again.
It's 11:32 am, the weather is sunny with a little bit of cloud cover, down in the grand woods of man is the severin shack, the home of the Knights of Severin, things were calm at the shack, adam the leader was smart,tactical and a ex-sorest, the Kings most trusted,he was in his room reading the newspaper, nate was the most combat experienced out of the four, he was incharge of maintaining there gear, he was in the main room reading about the war, pat was the youngest of them, he's often seen as a bumbling idot, but he's the the scout, so its the perfect cover, and then there's john, the jack of all trades, he keeps them sane,keeps them out of trouble and is the brains of the group, he and pat were outside getting firewood.
"so, it seems our formations haven't changed since we left." nate said.
"still? when will they learn" replied Adam.
"who knows." nate responded down the hall. pat comes in drops of the firewood and heads back out.
"i wish i was still enlisted sometimes, but i'm glad i'm not" said adam.
"yhea i miss my old red flag and her crew, i think 3 of them are still enlisted, one retired and one past away a year back" replied nate.
"oh, i'm sorry about that" said adam.
"it's fine, he was 73, not many humans make it that age these days." responded nate as john walks in.
"hey the letter boy is here, he has a message for us, all of us, it's been a while , what do you think it'll be?" said john.
"i don't know" replied adam.
adam,john and nate step outside.
"alright, what's the message kid?" said adam.
"my, friends i ask, no beg of you to take up arms and stop this war, after that you can disappear again, but Severin needs you, please hurry to our aid. this message is from the King himself" said the messenger.
"hmm, john?" said nate.
" i don't know, you?" replied john.
"i'm happy to rejoin the fight, pat?" said nate.
" i'm fine with it, it's your call adam." said pat.
"tell, tell King Keanu were on our way, the Knights of Severin, are back." said adam.
"well said sir." said nate as the messenger starts to leave.
"nate, get our gear, pat find dornier, john help him i'll go with the messenger." saide adam.
and so they split up, adam went to Butchsnip, the capital of the western Kingdom, nate gathered all there old gear and shortly after words headed for the capital while pat and john went to find dornier, there old dragon companion. later...
"wow, Butchsnip has changed a lot since i last saw it!" said adam.
"yes, it has please keep up sir." said the messenger. the messenger leads adam to the castle steps
. "thanks." adam said
"of course, please help us, Knight." said the messenger.
"i will" replied adam.adam climbs the stairs and waits outside the doors.
40 minutes later...
"adam!" pat said.
"hey pat, where are the others?" said adam.
"right here." said john.
john and nate walk up the steps with a 5 foot 2' blue dragon on all fours.
"dornier." says adam.
"adam!" dormier said as he ran up the last few steps and hugs adam.
"it's good to see you dornier." said adam.
"you too." replied dornier.
they all head inside and head to the throne room.
"your majesty" said adam.
"well, i'll be, the Knights of Severin, at last." said keanu.
"we have arrived in a time of need, with this war and what not." said adam
. "indeed you have." replied keanu.
"tell me, what is our task?" asked adam.
"first, you need to know who's giving you orders, i welcome King Solomon of the molenights. (pronounced mole- eh -night.) keanu said
"hello," solomon says
. " i also would like you to meet King Kristoff of the dwarfs, and lastly King mandreais of the dragons. said keanu
"hello father" said dornier.
"hey dormier, i haven't heard from you in awhile, why?" asked mandreais.
"i've been busy, it seems you have too." replied dornier.
"hahaha, i can't wait for you to take my throne." responded mandreais.
"yhea, i'm looking forward to it. dornier said sarcastically.
"now that you've all met i must ask of your help, as you know for the past 12 years has hit this once peaceful place, the trolls and a litch have been attacking our Kingdoms and all though we can hold our own, we can't go on the offensive, i ask the five of you to aid us in this time of need,please Knights, save us, restore peace in this land and kill the litch. Said keanu.
"of course sir." replied adam
the five of them leave the castle.
"alright, stock up on whatever we need, then meet be bye the gate." said adam.
"ok" responded john
. 10 minutes later.
.. "everyone ready?" asked adam.
"yes" replied pat.
"alright then, let's put an end to this war, dornier, take us to the great mountains, it's time we pay you know a long awaited visit." said adam.
"very well, settle in guys because it'll be a long flight" said dornier.
the end of the prologue.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
alright, should be mostly fixed. this took a while but i'm happy with it.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a review!!
First Impression: Well this was quite an interesting prologue. It certainly was the most detailed prologue that I have ever read and that's not necessarily a bad thing but I do feel like perhaps its just a little too much. The start of this also doesn't feel too much like it belongs in a prologue either. Hope I'm not being too harsh because this idea does sound good, this structure though isn't great.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this part is certainly less of a prologue and more like a blurb or synopsis of some sort or it might even be a summary because it doesn't look like its really asking any questions or establishing what the plot might be about. So...yeah not the greatest place to start in my opinion, I would make a prologue far catchier than this and save something like this for a summary probably.
Well that is a lot of information for a prologue. This is now feeling more like a first chapter when you're just introducing people like that. You'd want to be a lot less specific in a prologue where really all you want to do is just grab attention and not necessarily introduce a ton of characters. And also this is a much better place for this prologue to start compared what the first paragraph is doing.
Well that wouldn't be too shabby for a prologue actually. The idea behind this seem really exciting and if done well it could be an amazing fantasy novel but for the moment I think it needs a bit of major restructuring. First of all, you need to separate the transition between scenes, separate each line of dialogue because for each new person speaking a paragraph has to be made. And you also need to be a little bit more careful about these introductions, you've introduced us to a very sizable number of characters in the span of a paragraph and its really hard to keep track of any of them.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty interesting like I said but again like I pointed out above, it needs a bit of an overhaul before it can be as good as it deserves to be. So anyway that's about all I have to say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
thanks this was originally chapter 1 but at the end i couldn't decide where i wanted them to go so i dubbed it the prolog and moved ahead a bit in order to get my most thought of idea to work. and i know that the dialog is a mess but that's because i write my books on paper as scripts because at the time (and mostly still is) that was way easier for me so i'm converting it into a more genuine style of writing a book. thanks again for the feedback.
Good job with the prologue! This seems like a good starting place for the story.
At the end of dialogue, if you have a dialogue tag, you would have a comma.Other than that, I would just suggest a proofread for things like spelling, punctuation, and capitalization errors. I would also suggest breaking up the final paragraph. One way to do this is make a new paragraph everytime a new person speaks. Having one big paragraph can make it hard to keep your spot.
I also noticed that you introduced a lot of characters all at once. It can be hard to keep track of all of the information you threw at the reader.
Other than that, this seems like a good way to set the scene for a fantasy adventure! Good luck writing!
thank you for the feedback, this was on paper written as a script type dialogue and i'm converting it over to this style so my grammar admittedly sucks, but i'm trying to improve it and find someone who can help me with it ( basically double check and fix it before i publish it.)