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Young Writers Society



Train Wreck Chapter one

by twilightxd


ok, this was a mess up. Please go to Train Wreck the rewrite and comment.

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Fri Dec 05, 2008 2:57 am
Monstrar wrote a review...



"Oh Sammy, your the best!" Alix ran over to him and wrapped her arms around Sam's neck

'your' should be "you're"

So, its 11:49. Its still your Birthday for another eleven minutes. Now that everyone's left, what do you wanna do?"

Proper dialougue when you're telling a story is key, so instead of putting 'wanna' you can put 'want to', unless you meant for your characters to sound childish.

Oh and pronouns (he, she, him, her etc.) don't hurt to use either. No one wants to see 'Alix' every other word. And I'm sorry, but the spelling of your main character's name is dstracting. I know you're trying to be unique and all, but Alix is a bit much. Maybe Alex, or Alyx, or something. Not to mention your story sounds like something you wrote on a whim; like you really just wanted to get this idea off your chest so you typed it up quickly without any details, plot, or depth.




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Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:08 pm
Canada'sGotMyHeart wrote a review...



Ok i didn't fully read threw this because well the redundance of her name is slightly annoying. Try using "She" instead of her name at the beginning of every sentence. And you need to format it better ( paragraphs), and maybe a little less conversations unless there is more descriptive wording between them?




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Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:39 am
miyaviloves wrote a review...



Hi Twilight!

I think that before I can even begin to look at this story you need to work on formatting, spelling and punctuation here. Did you write it on here in a hurry? Either way It will be easy to fix, Ethan has shown you where thing's are going wrong with it.

All the best with this!

Meevs




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Thu Dec 04, 2008 5:57 am
staplestoo wrote a review...



Woah. You need to take this off right now before you get banned. It's practically chatspeak. Learn how to capitalize and punctuate before posting on a writers website. Please.

Once you have fixed the innumerable number of errors, please re-post this and I would be happy to critique it.

Lots of luck!




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Thu Dec 04, 2008 5:00 am
Xena says...



this was really good. do not touch it. it dost not need fixing... dont listen to anybody. i love it and i think i wanna marry it.




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Thu Dec 04, 2008 4:04 am
Ethan- wrote a review...



Hie twilightxd,

I've read through your story. It's a nice one and make me smile :)
So here are a few things I find in your story that need modifying;


"we all pitched in." ,

You do not need comma after the inverted comma for a dialogue.


Alix snapped her helmet on

I do not think 'snapped' fits in the sentence. You may want to consider changing it.

Alix started laughing historically

I think it is 'hysterically' that you meant to write.

Alix held her breath and dove underwater

I am not really sure about this but maybe it is 'dived' instead of 'dove'.

Alix then quickly swan to shore

Perhaps you mean 'swam'?

"I decked a kid once when I was in fifth grade and then I told him if he didn't blame it on someone else then I would deck him again. so he blamed it on some sixth grader and he got expelled."

I think you need to clarify things a bit here, who got expelled? The kid or the innocent sixth grader?

Alix gasped.

This is unnecessary in the paragraph and awkward as it's sandwiched between Sam's dialogue. Perhaps it is better placed after Sam finished talking or before Alix made her remarks. Just a suggestion tho.

Sam smiled ans leaned back

Should be 'and'

Alix ran her fingers through Sam's thick brown hair as their remained attached

I like the part before this paragraph but this sentence spoiled it for me. You need to change it into something better.

Finally after fiver minutes

Another typo, should be 'five'

a few minutes of silace

Should be 'silence'

Well that is all from me,
Hope that helps.

Regards,
Ethan





have u ever noticed how ugly rosy-lipped batfish r? and not like in the “aw ur so ugly ur cute” way that like opossums r — no they’re just hideously ugly beasts that should never have existed and r the epitome of evolution fails. the stupidity, blank look, head emptiness. they’re horrible n everyone who likes them r horrible too. they truly have the worst fan-base >:[
— Shady