Published December 4, 2008
ok, this was a mess up. Please go to Train Wreck the rewrite and comment.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
'your' should be "you're"
Proper dialougue when you're telling a story is key, so instead of putting 'wanna' you can put 'want to', unless you meant for your characters to sound childish.
Oh and pronouns (he, she, him, her etc.) don't hurt to use either. No one wants to see 'Alix' every other word. And I'm sorry, but the spelling of your main character's name is dstracting. I know you're trying to be unique and all, but Alix is a bit much. Maybe Alex, or Alyx, or something. Not to mention your story sounds like something you wrote on a whim; like you really just wanted to get this idea off your chest so you typed it up quickly without any details, plot, or depth.
Ok i didn't fully read threw this because well the redundance of her name is slightly annoying. Try using "She" instead of her name at the beginning of every sentence. And you need to format it better ( paragraphs), and maybe a little less conversations unless there is more descriptive wording between them?
Hi Twilight!
I think that before I can even begin to look at this story you need to work on formatting, spelling and punctuation here. Did you write it on here in a hurry? Either way It will be easy to fix, Ethan has shown you where thing's are going wrong with it.
All the best with this!
Meevs
Woah. You need to take this off right now before you get banned. It's practically chatspeak. Learn how to capitalize and punctuate before posting on a writers website. Please.
Once you have fixed the innumerable number of errors, please re-post this and I would be happy to critique it.
Lots of luck!
this was really good. do not touch it. it dost not need fixing... dont listen to anybody. i love it and i think i wanna marry it.
Hie twilightxd,
I've read through your story. It's a nice one and make me smile
So here are a few things I find in your story that need modifying;
You do not need comma after the inverted comma for a dialogue.
I do not think 'snapped' fits in the sentence. You may want to consider changing it.
I think it is 'hysterically' that you meant to write.
I am not really sure about this but maybe it is 'dived' instead of 'dove'.
Perhaps you mean 'swam'?
I think you need to clarify things a bit here, who got expelled? The kid or the innocent sixth grader?
This is unnecessary in the paragraph and awkward as it's sandwiched between Sam's dialogue. Perhaps it is better placed after Sam finished talking or before Alix made her remarks. Just a suggestion tho.
Should be 'and'
I like the part before this paragraph but this sentence spoiled it for me. You need to change it into something better.
Another typo, should be 'five'
Should be 'silence'
Well that is all from me,
Hope that helps.
Regards,
Ethan