Published October 6, 2006
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141,727 Literary Works • 675,620 Reviews
Hey Turtle! Well okay here comes my critique!
First thing that caught my eye was this...
I don't like the double when, it doesn't really go well together for me. There isn't anything necessarily wrong with it, but I think you can do better
Okay, one thing I'm noticing consistently about your writing is that you are very wordy! That turns off your reader, it gets him out of being immersed into the story and getting to know your character's personally. You put a lot of fluff around the meat of your story that really doesn't need to be there. I've had this same problem, but just remember keep working on it!
Something I'm noticing now is that again with your dialogue, you need to separate it from your other stuff. You have your dialogue all smothered together in these enormous paragraphs.
Okay...those up there were comments as I was reading through.
Now for main point summary....
#1- You're too wordy, I did not find myself immersed with the story. Overly descriptive, be simpler and straight to the point. I want to know the meat of the story!
#2-Separate dialogue from the paragraphs, your paragraphs were huge!!! Make it spaced out. Separate ideas.
But on a positive note, I'm finding your story very interesting, especially with the whole wolf thing. Keep up the great work!