Okay, please don't hurt me: you asked for it!!!
And remember, I crit because I care. Really! I wouldn't have spent so much time on it if I thought it wasn't worth it!
Night devoured every corner of the room, basking in its reign as the moon was swallowed by clouds.
The second part of this sentence is unnecessary, maybe mention the clouds, but “night devoured every corner of the room” is a wonderfully delicious beginning, don’t overword it.
tension, a devise that
try to avoid the word device unless someone is actually using the tension, I mean, generating it for a purpose
stirring up the dormant tension that existed in the air
you already used “tension” just a few lines ago. Try to find a different word, this one’s too unique. Also, “existed” is a horribly weak verb. Try something with a bit more…zam!
slept only for a moment longer before waking with a sharp gasp, the suddenness of which caused the stars to shudder.
Awkward wording, “of which” is just…well, awkward. Try something more like “before waking with a sudden, sharp gasp that caused the stars to shudder”
of the dream slipped out of her memory. Seized by desperation, she sought to cling to the fading recollection of the nightmare that had plagued her, but it was no use. It had already slipped away.
mourning the memory as if it were a loved one lost to the assassin’s hand. Losing it was just so final in her mind.
Just a tad overdramatic. Also “just” in this sentence is like the “of which” in the one a few paragraphs up—awkward. Of course, I’d prefer the whole sentence gone, but if you need it to convey something for later, please kill the “just”
The moon sat triumphantly in the sky, watching with indifference the child that cried for the lost dream.
Very good. Loverly personification
Footsteps fell across the floor steadily, and quite suddenly, there was a weight beside her on the bed.
Good sentence, BAD commas. “…the floor steadily and, quite suddenly, there was…”
A gentle hand brushed her hair out of her face, revealing brilliant emeralds that shimmered with tears yet unshed.
I know you’re talking about her eyes, you know you’re talking about her eyes. But since this is the first time you mention them or their color, please put the word “eyes” in there somewhere
…um, confusion here. Is the “boy” the same person who brushed her face or is there another kid in the room? Please clarify. Also, you use “beside her” twice in the same sentence, please fix.It was his presence beside her that gave her the strength to sit up and gaze at the boy beside her, two years her senior and a whole head higher than she
For a moment, they merely let silence take its hold upon the room again, which fell prey to the soft,
Did the silence fall prey or the room? Please clarify
He inquired, gazing at the motionless
You use a lot of long words in here, that’s cool, that’s your style. But maybe make “inquired” into just “asked” or “said”, a few one or two syllable words won’t kill you
younger girl
if there’s not an older girl in the room, you don’t have to have the adjective there
“I’m alright.”
Now I’m just being nit-picky, “all right”
female child beside him had experienced herself.
We get that she’s female already, trust me. And if you want to emphasize her gender again, please use “girl”. Also, “had experienced herself” is clearer if you just say “knew”
“And you shouldn’t be, either. Black cats, broken mirrors, the number eight… is there anything these people consider normal? They’re afraid of trees and wolves, and they fear magic so much that they deny it even exists.” Somehow, both of them knew better than to believe everything the humans of Herandor said, but bound to that land by their circumstances, they could only do their best to avoid all the things that would make them even more suspicious. Their eyes did a fair enough job of that on their own, even in their youngest sister, Celine, whose gray optics held only a hint of the full-blown emerald hue the middle child’s possessed. In all honesty, it was a miracle they hadn’t been christened heretical and hauled off to the gallows yet.
Mounds and mounds of exposition in here, and it seems to come out of now where. Could you just hint at some of this stuff until a more appropriate time comes to reveal it? also: “optics”, just say “eyes”, please, all the complicated words do not help.
“I know, brother, but we have to stay here.”
She called him by his name before, why the switch? We get that he’s her brother.
He demanded, raising his voice only slightly to emphasize his frustration.
Generally, a raised voice means frustration, you don’t have to tell us what it means
“It’s bad enough I can’t be sure of anything here save for one thing, and that is that we don’t belong here.”
“save for one thing—we don’t belong here” cut out as much deadwood as you can, “and that is” is just cluttering your meaning, disrupting the flow
“I feel like I’m chained up in a jail cell whose lock has no key.”
Again, cut down on deadwood and awkward wording. “chained up, with no key to the locks” says the same thing in less words with less confusion
and as usual, there was nothing either of them could do to change things.
This goes back to my mini-rant on too much exposition; if they can’t do anything about it, why rant in the middle of the night?
Their only choice was to find the strength to cope with Herandor, Riverbrook, and their overwhelming obsession with normalcy that seemed to be the humans’ greatest security blanket.
Your voice (the author’s) is getting in the way here. Say this from the girl’s perspective, or at least in words she might use. “They could only try to find the strength to cope with these normality-obsessed humans, Herandor, Riverbrook, all of them.” Something like that perhaps
“I heard them fighting.” Katherine said suddenly, causing her brother to flinch. He knew very well what it meant, for ever since their coming to Herandor, the marriage of Riverbrook’s only two innkeepers had been put to the test.
How about “ever since coming to Herandor”, you don’t need the “their”, we know who you’re talking about. Also, the innkeeper’s bit comes out of no where, either set it up a tad or don’t mention it yet
What Taro didn’t have the heart to tell his sister was that his wife, Learine, had been hit on more than one occasion, for his ears had borne witness to the horror of Parlow’s rage as well
Um, yeah, just general confusion here. Whose wife is Learine? Whose ears had “borne witness” (ps, only eyes can really “bear witness”, all ears can do is hear)?
It was his fear of that anger being directed toward his sisters that kept him on his best behavior. . Unfortunately, his protectiveness of them did a great deal to get him into trouble.
Cluttered wording again. Please streamline.
emphasizing her pensiveness about their situation.
You have a fondness for the word “emphasizing”. If you have to say it, then your other words aren’t doing their job. Try to get your point across without using this as a crutch.
Seeing that she was considering some odd possibility that had probably already crossed his mind, Taro sighed, turning his own optics toward the moon.
There’s that word again, optics!!!! Please say “eyes”, “optics” makes you sound like either a science professor or (forgive me) a snob. Also, cut down on the “-ings” here, try “He saw that she was considering…”
Its iridescent glow caught the green in his eyes, causing it to easily overwhelm the blue it mingled with.
Grrrr, you have such good descriptions and you keep bogging them down with technical words!!!!!! “Its iridescent glow caught the green in his eyes, making it shine forth, overwhelming the blue in an emerald sheen.” Not those words exactly, of course, but you get what I mean
My, he is being calm about all this for a kid. And very expositional, again! Get him worked up, let him rage a little. He doesn’t know that he’s explaining things to the audience, don’t let your voice overwhelm his.“We can’t do much about anything at this point, not only because of your eyes, but because of our age. Mark my words, though; one day, when we are strong enough, we’ll open the cage, and we will never look back.”
another pair of steps graced the room with its presence, though these were more timid and hesitant than Taro’s
I’m sorry, “steps graced the room with its presence”? can steps grace? do steps have a presence? “another pair of footsteps, more timid and hesitant than Taro’s, sounded from outside the door”
A moment later, another child appeared in the doorway, four years Katherine’s junior at the age of six. Her auburn hair barely reached her chin, giving her an almost boyish appearance. Her relation to Katherine and Taro was clear, however, by the hint of jade that lurked within her intelligent gray eyes. Celine, the youngest of the trio, had come to join them, and by the tears on her face, Taro correctly predicted that she, too, had been plagued by some monster in the night.
Okay, not too bad here. I really do think you could stand to cut out some unnecessary stuff here, though. “A moment later, another child appeared in the doorway, a small thing probably no older than six years old.” And so on, that sort of thing
Ashamed of her tears
How do we know she’s ashamed? Show, don’t tell.
“There, there, it’s alright.”
Identify the speaker, please.
It was no secret among them that Celine was frightened of Parlow, probably because he treated his wife so harshly. Instead of being a father figure, he had become a monster that terrorized her dreams. Gently, Taro rubbed her back in order to calm her as a fresh wave of spite overtook him.
Pretty much all of this is unnecessary. Mention her fear of Parlow and Taro’s spite if you like, but in passing, we already know that Parlow=bad and Taro has no love for them.
“This has to end.” He stated
don’t be afraid of the word “said”! also, need a comma, not a period: “This has to end,” he said
She made room without complaint, knowing that the ritual of crowding into her sleeping space was a ritual that would continue whether she desired it or not.
The entire second half of this sentence is unnecessary. If she made room without complaint, that tells us all we need to know.
After all, it was not as if she did not benefit from their presence, for they in turn aided her in returning to dreamland.
See above^
Nestled between Katherine and Taro, Celine’s sobs faded to a sniffle, which was eventually ceased by her sudden drop into unconsciousness.
Technical terms bad! “Celine’s sobs faded into sniffles, and as she dropped into sleep these, too, ceased.”
See above^, “Taro quickly followed his sister into sleep/dreamland, and Katherine watched them until she, too, slipped out of this world.” (again, I’m not saying you have to use my EXACT words, just giving suggestions here)Her older brother quickly followed, being as exhausted as he was, and for a long time, Katherine simply watched them sleep until it claimed her as well.
she nonetheless smiled at the serenity it brought her
“nonetheless” needs to go away.
please, please, please don't hate me. i'm just trying to help, and this took me a LONG time!!!!![/quote]
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