Published October 3, 2006
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Okay, please don't hurt me: you asked for it!!!
And remember, I crit because I care. Really! I wouldn't have spent so much time on it if I thought it wasn't worth it!
The second part of this sentence is unnecessary, maybe mention the clouds, but “night devoured every corner of the room” is a wonderfully delicious beginning, don’t overword it.
try to avoid the word device unless someone is actually using the tension, I mean, generating it for a purpose
you already used “tension” just a few lines ago. Try to find a different word, this one’s too unique. Also, “existed” is a horribly weak verb. Try something with a bit more…zam!
Awkward wording, “of which” is just…well, awkward. Try something more like “before waking with a sudden, sharp gasp that caused the stars to shudder”
Just a tad overdramatic. Also “just” in this sentence is like the “of which” in the one a few paragraphs up—awkward. Of course, I’d prefer the whole sentence gone, but if you need it to convey something for later, please kill the “just”
Very good. Loverly personification
Good sentence, BAD commas. “…the floor steadily and, quite suddenly, there was…”
I know you’re talking about her eyes, you know you’re talking about her eyes. But since this is the first time you mention them or their color, please put the word “eyes” in there somewhere
…um, confusion here. Is the “boy” the same person who brushed her face or is there another kid in the room? Please clarify. Also, you use “beside her” twice in the same sentence, please fix.
Did the silence fall prey or the room? Please clarify
You use a lot of long words in here, that’s cool, that’s your style. But maybe make “inquired” into just “asked” or “said”, a few one or two syllable words won’t kill you
if there’s not an older girl in the room, you don’t have to have the adjective there
Now I’m just being nit-picky, “all right”
We get that she’s female already, trust me. And if you want to emphasize her gender again, please use “girl”. Also, “had experienced herself” is clearer if you just say “knew”
Mounds and mounds of exposition in here, and it seems to come out of now where. Could you just hint at some of this stuff until a more appropriate time comes to reveal it? also: “optics”, just say “eyes”, please, all the complicated words do not help.
She called him by his name before, why the switch? We get that he’s her brother.
Generally, a raised voice means frustration, you don’t have to tell us what it means
“save for one thing—we don’t belong here” cut out as much deadwood as you can, “and that is” is just cluttering your meaning, disrupting the flow
Again, cut down on deadwood and awkward wording. “chained up, with no key to the locks” says the same thing in less words with less confusion
This goes back to my mini-rant on too much exposition; if they can’t do anything about it, why rant in the middle of the night?
Your voice (the author’s) is getting in the way here. Say this from the girl’s perspective, or at least in words she might use. “They could only try to find the strength to cope with these normality-obsessed humans, Herandor, Riverbrook, all of them.” Something like that perhaps
How about “ever since coming to Herandor”, you don’t need the “their”, we know who you’re talking about. Also, the innkeeper’s bit comes out of no where, either set it up a tad or don’t mention it yet
Um, yeah, just general confusion here. Whose wife is Learine? Whose ears had “borne witness” (ps, only eyes can really “bear witness”, all ears can do is hear)?
Cluttered wording again. Please streamline.
You have a fondness for the word “emphasizing”. If you have to say it, then your other words aren’t doing their job. Try to get your point across without using this as a crutch.
There’s that word again, optics!!!! Please say “eyes”, “optics” makes you sound like either a science professor or (forgive me) a snob. Also, cut down on the “-ings” here, try “He saw that she was considering…”
Grrrr, you have such good descriptions and you keep bogging them down with technical words!!!!!! “Its iridescent glow caught the green in his eyes, making it shine forth, overwhelming the blue in an emerald sheen.” Not those words exactly, of course, but you get what I mean
My, he is being calm about all this for a kid. And very expositional, again! Get him worked up, let him rage a little. He doesn’t know that he’s explaining things to the audience, don’t let your voice overwhelm his.
I’m sorry, “steps graced the room with its presence”? can steps grace? do steps have a presence? “another pair of footsteps, more timid and hesitant than Taro’s, sounded from outside the door”
Okay, not too bad here. I really do think you could stand to cut out some unnecessary stuff here, though. “A moment later, another child appeared in the doorway, a small thing probably no older than six years old.” And so on, that sort of thing
How do we know she’s ashamed? Show, don’t tell.
Identify the speaker, please.
Pretty much all of this is unnecessary. Mention her fear of Parlow and Taro’s spite if you like, but in passing, we already know that Parlow=bad and Taro has no love for them.
don’t be afraid of the word “said”! also, need a comma, not a period: “This has to end,” he said
The entire second half of this sentence is unnecessary. If she made room without complaint, that tells us all we need to know.
See above^
Technical terms bad! “Celine’s sobs faded into sniffles, and as she dropped into sleep these, too, ceased.”
See above^, “Taro quickly followed his sister into sleep/dreamland, and Katherine watched them until she, too, slipped out of this world.” (again, I’m not saying you have to use my EXACT words, just giving suggestions here)
“nonetheless” needs to go away.
please, please, please don't hate me. i'm just trying to help, and this took me a LONG time!!!!![/quote]
Hmm...well this piece has interested me a lot, because I'm totally unsure where you're taking it. (I haven't read your unedited versions) I would love to read more. I got the feeling that this fantasy world is similar to the middle ages of ours. Due to the fact that you put a whole lot of emphasis on the character's eyes because in our middle ages, people with eyes too bright, personalities too precocious, faces too canny, etc. were thought to be associated with witchcraft. Anyways thats just my theory
Overall I liked it, your visual descriptions were very well put forth. The only problem I had was that I couldn't sympathize with their situation in its entirety, what are they forgetting? Is it some town that they used to live in? Hopefully you answer this question and help us be more emphatic towards the characters' plight later on.
Also I liked how you put forth the brother as the fatherly figure, protecting his sisters.
Last thing, the dialogue, you need to fix that! You probably already knew that though
Wonderful job! I will look forward to reading more of this, seeing if my theory is correct
-Aero
I agree with Snoink about the dialogue grammar. That definetely needs to be tweaked a bit.
Other than that, I rather liked it, except for the fact that the urgency of the peice is lost as it progresses. The very beginning the very suspenseful--I liked the errie connotations of the words, it was starting to give me chills--but the immediacy was lost once older brother started talking. Also, the emphasis on their eyes also confused me. The excessive use of the word "optics" threw me too. When I hear "optics", I think of contact lens for some reason. Maybe it's just me, but I think you could use some clarifying in that area.
Other than that, this is shaping up pretty nicely. I can't wait to see the next part!
Two quick things...
The grammar counts. Right now, you're dialogue grammar is mostly wrong. See THIS as a reference. If you have any questions, ask.
The beginning doesn't have very much action. Yes, the moon is devouring the place, but that's about it. You need to make us feel the conflict of Katherine, so you're going to have to tweak that a little. Right now this is angst, angst being defined here as unexplained and unwarranted anxiety. Since we don't know her, the conflict she's going through doesn't really hit us. Try using different descriptions. Remember... you can use other visuals besides the moon to create a richer effect and you also have four other sense (hears, tastes, touches, smells) to play with.
So yeah. Editing is still good, but it's much better.