Escape from the firefly

Hi there, tteele.

This is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

The first thing I noticed is your punctuation. I don't know why there is a space between the last letter of the word and your punctuation sometimes. I don't know if you did it by accident or on purpose, but you need to put the punctuation right up against the last letter of the word. It's very distracting to the reader when you use punctuation incorrectly.

I appreciate that you compared thoughts to fireflies. It's a good start. But the vision in your poem is not focused enough. You need to start with one image and build on that. I have never seen a firefly in a city, and fireflies and computers have no connection for me. You need to either pick the technological realm or the realm of the firefly: nature. These two things are the complete opposite of each other, and while you can have both in the same poem, you shouldn't put fireflies in the technological realm like they belong there.

You compare a brain to a computer, which is a good start, but again with the contrast of technology and nature. For your purposes, it would be better if you choose.

You seem to like the traffic metaphor a lot. I have been fixated on certain images in the past, but your traffic metaphor is seen in one form or another in three out of four poems from you on this site. I think you should leave that metaphor behind for newer metaphors. You don't want to use the same metaphors in all of your poems.

You do have a good start, and I commend you for using imagery. Most poets your age don't use imagery at all. But work on the focus within your poem. Take one image and build off of it. Fireflies go with ponds, trees, the dark, outside. Computers and fireflies is too far of a stretch.

I hope this review was helpful to you. Keep writing.

I Think That Was Interesting. You Are Really Creative. I Wish i Could Right Like You. Great Job On What You Are Doing And Keep Doing It So i Can Read more Of Your Stories.

Escape ,
escape from all these thoughts ,
press delete and let them go .
Feel empty in a different , better way.
But they don't stop,
the fireflies full of information , memories and thoughts
keep flying in my head
pumping into each other
not saying 'sorry' just rushing on.
A thousand lights like vegas at night
crossing eachother or joining into one.

You can see the glow
from far away
Thoughts forming a fireball,
fireball that feeds the mind,
lights up the soul
the blaze that sometimes feels so warm.
But is cold inside.
It feeds on your spirit
and confuses your mind.
It's a firefly traffic ,
a busy city in your head.
And just like in life
accidents happen.

The mind never sleeps,
even if it crashes
something still moves.
There's always a firefly,
buzzing in the corner.
Keeping you up,
waiting for you -
to set him free .

This was nicely written and carried a good message.
Comparing thoughts to fireflies is an interesting point of view and the comparison to a city was very nice.

My personal favorite line was
"Feel empty in a different, better way."


I don't know why I just liked it in general!
Well done and I hope you keep writing, you have potential.