Family travels
It all started on the silk road with the yuan family a non buddhist family.
The Yuan family are tradesmen they travel on the silk road on their camels trading items such as blankets,carpets,rugs and some woolen goods. The yuan family has two kids one mother and father. Then there was the Leu family who was buddhist and they were traveling along the silk road by foot. The Leu family were headed for the city of Aksu. The Leu family had one son, a father, and a mother. The Leu family has been traveling several miles a day along the silk road by foot.With each step the Leu family took their feet started hurting more and more.As the Leu family they traveld thought of how nice it would be to ride in on a camel instead of walking. The Yuan family was traveling to the city of Aksu on their camels. The Yuan family were traveling several miles a day in comfort and they were grateful that they had camels to ride on instead of walking.
The yuan family were not buddhist but they were interested in learning more about the buddhism religion and that’s where the story began.
The Leu family were very tired from walking, and eventually the mother of the Leu family slowly fell to the ground from the pain in her feet. The mother of the Leu family refused to walk and the Leu family had no other form of transportation other than walking. The Yuan family was making good time as they moved along the silk road until they come upon some people trying to help a woman walk which happened to be the Leu family. The Yuan family stopped to ask if the Leu family wanted a rug or maybe some string beans and the father of the Leu family said no thanks but our mother here can’t walk and we have a long journey ahead of us to the city of Aksu. The yuan family said to the Leu family we are going to the city of Aksu as well ,you can travel with our family to the city of Aksu on our camels . The Leu family got on a camel and started traveling with the Yuan family to the city of Aksu. The yuan and Leu family stopped to take a break. After the families stopped to rest the Yuan and Leu family started talking about many different buddhism facts including the three major tenets were that they were not to be ignorant, or to hate others, or get angry. And how practicing Buddhists view Buddha as a teacher and not a god or avatar, or that there Is no god in buddhism. After a brief discussion they got back on their camels and headed for Aksu. They talked as they traveled about many things like The four noble truths and about how buddhism are vegetarian and how buddha found an order of monks and nuns known as the sangha, and also that in buddhism there is no single holy book. As the Leu family was telling these things to the Yuan family the Yuan family became interested in the buddhism religion. After the long days travel they stopped to make camp and because the Yuan family being tradesmen they had lots of things to make a camp with, and for dinner in the Leu family interest they made a vegetarian dinner with string beans,carrots and figs. Over dinner they talked about farming and how the Leu family grows rice on the sides of hills and that they use ducks for farming.As night krept in the familys went to sleep and they woke up early the next morning and headed for Aksu ,by the end of the day they reached Asku. Once the Yuan and Leu family reached the city of Aksu it was time for each family to go their separate ways but the Yuan family had other plans. The father of the Yuan family then said that through this trip with you we have learned so much about this religion and that we would like to stay with your family so we can learn more about buddhism and one day become Buddhist.
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Hi Jacob I read your story I really liked it but here are some pointers I wonder if in the first paragraph you could try to make it go a bit more smoother because it looks too obvious that your trying to fit as many historical facts in there and it seems kind of forced like it's almost notnecessaryanyways other than that I really liked it
so Jacob i think that over all it is a great story but there a few things that i think you should change the first is that the first paragraph is almost impossible to follow with all those names maybe if you could find a way to say the names a lot less you would make the story a lot more easy to follow. but over all it was a great story about ancient china.
Hey persimijakob (aka Jacob)!! I have some feed back for you!
)
So first it seems like you capitalized somethings that didn't need to be capitalized.
Next, I would be better if your first sentence had a hook so readers want to read this story.
It's also good to have some sort of protagonist to make the story more interesting.
Another thing is to space out your paragraphs. The last one was very long.
But over all great story Jacob!
-Kaelyn
Hey persimijakob (aka Jacob)!! I have some feed back for you!
)
So first it seems like you capitalized somethings that didn't need to be capitalized.
Next, I would be better if your first sentence had a hook so readers want to read this story.
It's also good to have some sort of protagonist to make the story more interesting.
Another thing is to space out your paragraphs. The last one was very long.
But over all great story Jacob!
-Kaelyn
Hi Jacob its jack
I liked how your story had a good plot and a good lenth.
Hi Jacob,
I like how your story contained a lot of information. The last paragraph was quite long, so it would be good if you would split the paragraph into a few different ones. If you where to add more dialogue your story would seem more realistic and be more show with less tell. You had quite a few grammatical errors, but overall I think your story was good.
Hi Jacob,
I like how you blended the the two stories together, it can be tricky to do that. I wonder if you could have formatted your paragraphs better, it was hard to read. Another thing is about your grammar. There were a lot of issues with capitalization, commas, etc. I also would have liked to see more speech such as:
"Hi Bob," said Lucy. "How are you?"
"Just fine." replied Bob.
I did like the accurate names of the cities though and the way you sneaked Buddhism in there.
Great story,
Garrett
Hey, great story trucks4cowboys. I loved the whole thing. The final paragraph is a bit long, and there are a few grammar issues. But otherwise I cant see any problems, great job!