Your chestnut locks illuminate in the sun
For everything is perfect, for our eclipse has begun.
Let's paint the sky with comets and rays
let's do this forever, into infinite days
We can swirl the sunset with our fingers and feet
And bend the universe to make it complete.
Let’s dance till dawn then lay on the grass,
Conversing on how our creation will last.
Our pride and love is a creation of crime,
according to those who we left behind.
we ran from them to fulfill our expressions,
and burn our home of regrets and confessions.
We're fugitives of that crazy society,
We’re fulfilling our lives with a lack of sobriety,
Toked on love, we’re beyond existence,
We’re so high, we’re above resistance.
So let’s tango forever, and make music in the sun,
For we’ll always intertwine together, and become as one,
We’ll rule the universe as long as existence will last,
Because our love is something impossible to surpass.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You really need to read over and check your punctuation. In places you use commas where none are needed, and you should also consider semicolons, colons, dashes, and all the other lovely forms of punctuation.
I liked the idea of it, and it was kind of interesting, but it didn't do anything for me. I didn't feel anything from it. You were telling us things--showing is always better! And you had some imagery, with the sun and colors and everything, but it didn't stand out real strong. You might want to go through and add more poetic language, so to speak, to draw your reader in more. Keep in mind, you want to entertain and interest your reader, not lecture them with you thoughts.