MAKE SURE YOU READ Parts one, two, and three FIRST
Spoiler! :
My girlfriend died yesterday. You died yesterday, Taylor. As many times as I repeat this to myself, I won't believe it. I can see your happy smiling face in my mind. But I'll never truly see it again.
They told me there were complications. That even though you were sort of alive, you'd suffered head trauma. And that was all they would tell me. I'm not too young to know. But they won't tell me. And I cry again.
Crying is new to me. I haven't cried since I was a toddler. But I sit in my room, the tears streaming down my face after my mother breaks the news to me. She let's me, and surprisingly so does my father. They all know how much I loved you.
You had the best smile. It filled up your whole face. Your eyes were the greenest green and you kept your blond hair long and straight. You were the prettiest girl I'd ever met. And so you became my first girlfriend.
It's not fair that only four weeks after we started dating, you're taken from me. It hurts me more than I ever thought it would. I knew that our relationship would end eventually, but I thought it would be because of a break-up. It's not.
You fill my every thought, dream, and nightmare. All I can see is you. One second you were mine. And now you're not. It's not fair that you're gone.
At school, I'm known as the dead girl's boyfriend. I try to defend you, Taylor. I try to tell them to stop calling you that. But hardly anyone listens to me anymore. You're famous now. You're on the news. You're in a shrine on 21st street. You're sister feels guilty. The man that killed you is going to jail for a while. He should go to jail forever for what he did to you.
Mr. Cheese-man doesn't make me do anything anymore. I sit at my desk and think of you. And everything we had. And everything we could have been.
I miss your eyes, which were so green. I miss your soft, silky blond hair. I miss your pale, pink lips that pressed so perfectly against mine. I miss putting my arm around your shoulders or your thin waist. But mostly, I miss you.
I am shocked! I really thought this would be like any other story,you know.Boy and girl like each other,one of them get hurts then recovers , then live happily ever after.But it was different,and i loved it!
Because,it shows that not all people have happy ending,and some people suffers out there.Its very straight-forward,spectacular! and your a very good writer,for a very young age too,even better then some older writers. I couldn't find anything wrong with the story,it was simple good and i cried when i read this story,it touched my heart.
I hope that you continue your writing,and i can't wait to see your next post
...Wow, just wow. I didnt realise how much a story can affect a person. I guess you got what you were after- im sad for your character. You are a brilliant writer and i am so awed over your story, jealous that i didnt write it.
trhwrites.. i loved your story. Keep writing, Love Georgiexx
Wow. Just...wow. This impacted me more than the other three. The first sentence made my stomach drop and my heart clench.
I know this might sound pythetic but...in the first part of your story you said Taylor had short hair but then just now you say she has long hair. I know, i pick up on the little things, right? Other than that i really really liked this story. It was so sad!
Initially I didn't like the style of the first part in Taylor's point of view - she was too teenagery, she was so ordinary, everything about her seemed lame. She liked this new guy, and eventually he liked her back. So what? That's incredibly cliché. But I was interested in seeing how you were going to continue the story.
To be honest, I didn't even read the title of this series, and I'm glad I didn't. If I had read, "Thoughts Before I Died", I wouldn't have read it. You should consider creating another title - something that doesn't give away the ending straight away.
But I digress. I then read the next part, and the beginning immediately captured my attention. I actually felt dread. The juxtaposition between the happy, almost childish post of Taylor's compared to Cam's situation of finding out that the ambulance had been carrying his girlfriend - it's just amazing, executed perfectly.
I felt that there could have been more emotion in Cam's parts, but I see how you've kept a semi-detached style consistent throughout, so it does work with minimalistic feelings.
The only other thing that bothered me was how he loved her only after two weeks. I guess love is different for everyone, but two weeks is a bit short for the people within the relationship to determine whether they are in love or not. Some people are in a relationship for months before they declare their love for each other.
You also have small spelling mistakes and homonym errors ("too" as opposed to "two" etc), but otherwise your use of grammar is exceptional. You could flesh out the paragraphs more with observations, but I don't think that's necessary, this story is fantastic the way it is. You might want to consider putting these four parts into a novelette that YWS supports. Failing that, please provide the links to all your parts on every part, so if someone wants to continue reading, they can immediately.
Thank you for the touching read. It was short and bitter-sweet. It was a delight to read through
- Jai
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Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way. — Isabel Quintero
I am shocked! I really thought this would be like any other story,you know.Boy and girl like each other,one of them get hurts then recovers , then live happily ever after.But it was different,and i loved it!
and i cried when i read this story,it touched my heart.
Because,it shows that not all people have happy ending,and some people suffers out there.Its very straight-forward,spectacular! and your a very good writer,for a very young age too,even better then some older writers. I couldn't find anything wrong with the story,it was simple good
I hope that you continue your writing,and i can't wait to see your next post
~Book Person~
...Wow, just wow.
I didnt realise how much a story can affect a person. I guess you got what you were after- im sad for your character.
You are a brilliant writer and i am so awed over your story, jealous that i didnt write it.
trhwrites.. i loved your story.
Keep writing,
Love Georgiexx
Wow. Just...wow. This impacted me more than the other three. The first sentence made my stomach drop and my heart clench.
I know this might sound pythetic but...in the first part of your story you said Taylor had short hair but then just now you say she has long hair. I know, i pick up on the little things, right?
Other than that i really really liked this story. It was so sad!
I am stunned.
Initially I didn't like the style of the first part in Taylor's point of view - she was too teenagery, she was so ordinary, everything about her seemed lame. She liked this new guy, and eventually he liked her back. So what? That's incredibly cliché. But I was interested in seeing how you were going to continue the story.
To be honest, I didn't even read the title of this series, and I'm glad I didn't. If I had read, "Thoughts Before I Died", I wouldn't have read it. You should consider creating another title - something that doesn't give away the ending straight away.
But I digress. I then read the next part, and the beginning immediately captured my attention. I actually felt dread. The juxtaposition between the happy, almost childish post of Taylor's compared to Cam's situation of finding out that the ambulance had been carrying his girlfriend - it's just amazing, executed perfectly.
I felt that there could have been more emotion in Cam's parts, but I see how you've kept a semi-detached style consistent throughout, so it does work with minimalistic feelings.
The only other thing that bothered me was how he loved her only after two weeks. I guess love is different for everyone, but two weeks is a bit short for the people within the relationship to determine whether they are in love or not. Some people are in a relationship for months before they declare their love for each other.
You also have small spelling mistakes and homonym errors ("too" as opposed to "two" etc), but otherwise your use of grammar is exceptional. You could flesh out the paragraphs more with observations, but I don't think that's necessary, this story is fantastic the way it is. You might want to consider putting these four parts into a novelette that YWS supports. Failing that, please provide the links to all your parts on every part, so if someone wants to continue reading, they can immediately.
Thank you for the touching read. It was short and bitter-sweet. It was a delight to read through
- Jai