Clearly I am indecisive, and bad at titles. If anyone has any suggestions for a better title, do please tell me, it’s killing me.
I want this sucker to be good, and it isn’t, not yet. So, my dear YWSers, help me please?
Removed because I'm submitting this. Thank you all for your help!
@ Chocoholic, thank you! Alej is the Alejandro mentioned in the beginning, would it make more sense if I kept his name as Alejandro throughout?
@ Clograbby, I really appreciate the feedback, it's good to have someone look at it who doesn't know everything that took place out of the story, you know? Also, I am flattered by the Allende thing.
A reallyreally late thank you to you both for the critiques! (Is this considered resurrection if the lateness is due to me being on holiday?)
Hey Tosh! Welcome to YWS!
*knows Spanish* Maybe you should have a key somewhere for those who don't.
Describe Alej a little more. I'm a little unsure why he should be proud, or why she thinks that at the time that she does.
I do like this a lot. It reminds me House on Mango Street, except much more condensed. One thing I kept thinking the entire time: How old is this girl? She seems very young at the beginning, and then suddenly he's in love and moving to America. You could detail her development as a girl. A child, suddenly a teenager, suddenly entering the world.
I think you need to make this longer. Not exceptionally long, but add more detail to the scenarios that you have here.
This was nice. Very calming. I was a bit confused at first, but I soon got the hang of what you were doing and I really began to enjoy it properly.
Do you have a translation for the Spanish? I could make it out by the other things you said, I think, but I'd like to know what a couple of the phrases were.
Now for your critique!
Alejandro bolted his toast
been five, six then
Alej, Alej, little brother – you would have been proud.
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