z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Humana Avis

by tory


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

She woke up. Scared, confused, unaware. Ignorant to her past and ignorant to pretty much everything. She remembered her sister, dead in the kitchen, blood spilling from the area around her eyes, almost looking like tears. At least at first. She remembered screaming, her sister laying on the tile. She thought she saw a glimpse of hope for a second, her legs, they were moving slightly. But she wasn’t one bit alive. 

She was cold. A metal table had been her bed, apparently. She was nearly naked, but a bra and underwear. They weren't hers. Definitely not. Where was she?

She looked to her left. Another table. Blood. A little boy. More blood. A steel rod, impaled through his neck. He had been dead a while, but not too long. An aura of death coated the atmosphere, yet a semblance of life still lingered.

His body lay in a bag, unzipped down to his knees.

She drew in her lips, and a tear rolled down her face. She didn’t panic. Not yet. She looked forward. A screen:

Venonae Inc. Exp. Room 3: Avian.

She sat up, arms supporting her. She drew her legs over the side of the table and laid her soles down on the cold tile. A broken flower pot laid beside her feet, dirt poured out. A plant, not any kind in particular, laid over the tile floor. Green stem, green leaves. She leaned down and took the plant in her hand. She brought it up to her face, examining it’s attributes. This seemed all too natural. But she had never done this before. Though, how would she know? She couldn’t even remember her first name.

In her mind, she had never done anything before, anything like she was doing now. She felt a sense of rebirth. Or maybe just an awakening. She was scared.

Mina. Her Sister. Her bloody tears. That’s the only thing visible in her memory. 

“I miss you.”

“I love you.”

She dropped the plant by her feet, and cried her own tears. One after another, tear after tear. A waterfall, a tsunami. She wanted to leave, she wanted to be free.

She walked forward, eyes fixed on a table by the edge of the white painted wall. She gashed her foot, on the shards of terracotta. Blood spilled out onto the floor. Dark. Red. Nothing unusual. She gasped from the pain, and breathed out, strained. Still, she made her way over to the table, white and plain, the same as the rest of the room. A folder laid on the table, cream colored. She needed to leave. She could faintly hear Shostakovich’s 5th symphony playing throughout the building, or wherever she was. She didn’t know what it was or what it meant, but it reminded her of something. She took the folder in her hands. A piece of construction tape on the front:

The Hybrid Experiments: 

Exp. E: Avian, 139

Dr. Resco

A stack of papers rested inside. Papers and papers, she read, of which felt like another language. In the middle of the stack, a paperclip held together a smaller stack of photographs.

A woman laying on a bed of grass. Her eyes were closed. Maybe she was dead. 

An angel in a tree. One wing was half gone. Cleanly half.

A young boy. No expression. A glass wall with nothing behind it but sky.

A book. A tattered and faded yellow cover. A title written in black pen:

Humanum Veritas

Dr. Elliott Parker

Skin. A back. The area on the shoulder blades had wounds. Red gashes that extended throughout. It really was repulsive.

She stiffened. An unusual feeling. A shock throughout her body. She was upright in half a second. Her eyes widened and she swallowed. She breathed in and choked. Falling forward, she leaned her arms against the table. She looked down, breathing hard, heart racing. She reached her right hand across her chest and up her side, gently grazing her upper back. An intense pain soared throughout her entire body and she fell to her knees. She screamed, she couldn’t contain it any longer. She looked at the last photo in the stack. Her.

“What the fuck did they do to me?”

No really, what the fuck did they do to her?

A sound. A click. Air. She turned around.

“Elizabeth.”

“What?”

“Elizabeth.”

That was her name. She remembered now.

“Who are you?”

A full hazmat suit. Orange. She couldn’t see their face. She could tell by their voice it was a man. She squinted her eyes and leaned down, picking up a shard of terracotta before stepping forward.

“I don’t have a name.”

“Why?”

He ignored her question completely, acting as if it was never even asked.

“Mr. Four-Hundred will want to see you. You aren’t even supposed to be awake, let alone self-aware. Something must have happened.”

“Where’s Mina?”

She knew where her sister was. She remembered. But maybe she hadn't. Maybe she was dreaming. Just maybe.

“Who?”

"My Sister."

"Oh. Her. The little fledgling."

She could feel him smiling.

"I thought you already knew. We didn't think you would of lost all your memories, at least not that one."

Elizabeth walked closer to the man, stray tears wandering down her cheek. She swayed over to him on the balls of her feet and he stood standing still. She didn’t care anymore. She remembered enough to know things didn’t matter. Her actions afterwards spoke louder than anything she could of said to show how she felt in that moment. The orange hazmat suit, cut at the neck. Blood on the floor. Dark. Red. Nothing unusual. He gasped for air, falling to the ground, and she walked over his back. She didn't know what to do. She walked out the open doorway into a plain white hallway. She looked to her left, she looked to her right. She ran right. Everything looked the same, room after room, hallway after hallway. She entered another hallway, this time the wall in front of her was glass. A window. A city some miles away. She could see the skyline. Down below all it was, all she could see, was green. Grass.

“Elizabeth.”

“Elizabeth.”

She looked to her left, she looked to her right.

A woman and a man, masked. These people really were insane, weren't they?

A rabbit and a ram, they seemed to be.

The rabbit raised her arm, gun in hand, finger on the trigger.

The ram did just the same, and now she had two guns pointing at her on either side.

"What  did you do to me?"

"What the fuck did you do to me!"

They both laughed. They laughed like it was funniest things they had ever heard. A hard, eerie laugh they both seemed to demonstrate.

 They stopped.

“You can’t run. Mr. Four-Hundred is waiting.”

She sighed. She looked down at the vast green below. Another tear passed down her cheek.

 And then a smile, a slight smile, passed her lips. Her first.

"Let him wait."

Maybe, this is what she wanted. Maybe, this is what she needed.

The glass broke easily, not much running space required. She breathed the air she had been desperately craving. Cool and crisp, possibly autumn. Or spring. Or maybe just a light winter. Or even summer, a cool summer that is.

She was falling. Some might even say she was flying, but she was definitely not flying. Just falling.

Falling and falling and falling. Still falling. And falling even more.

She didn’t have anything to lighten her landing.

She didn’t have a parachute she could pull.

She didn’t have gods, wanting to make sure she would land on her feet.

She just kept falling.

No wings to save her.


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61 Reviews


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Reviews: 61

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Sun Feb 24, 2019 4:24 am
OofOof1 wrote a review...



The first paragraph to me is kind of confusing. If you could fix something's that would be great. First of all, is the speaker dead. In the paragraph it feels like the speaker's dead. So is the speaker really dead.

What is the sentences in the story kind of told me that she was dead, and by she I mean the speaker, and then suddenly the speaker wakes up and goes to watch TV. Weird. Am I reading this right?

Overall you have some interesting threads of imagination. Great job. Sorry, this review could have been longer but I decided to keep it short because I'm kind of tired. Anyway oh, there is this big word I used to describe awesome and amazing stories, your story is amazing so I'm going to use this word.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...

Bye..!!




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Sun Feb 24, 2019 1:23 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey tory!
First off, welcome to YWS! Let's see what we've got here.

First paragraph: Intriguing? yes. Confusing? very much so. My first reaction was like, huh? Is the speaker dead? how are they speaking? is this a story about a ghost? It reminded me a bit of "Everlost" by Neil Shusterman.

The part with "blood spilling from her eyes" was a bit dramatic - not sure if this ever really happens in real life unless it's an eye specific imagery - the issue too is at this point the reader has zero emotional connection to the narrator, so it's hard to feel shocked or interested about a situation where we don't have any emotional connection yet. I wonder if you might pan to an even earlier scene to set up some emotional content first, and then go to this scene - so that it would be more impactful.

I had a hard time just picturing what was happening in this scene, because the choppy imagery sentences were just so disconnected from any narrative.

She drew in her lips, and a tear rolled down her face. She didn’t panic. Not yet. She looked forward. A screen:

so she's dead, and then she wakes up, and then she's watching tv? that's a lot to take it right away.

Overall most of the rest of the piece was similar to the opening bit. I think you've got some interesting threads of imagery here, but there needs to be more narrative to connect it, or else the reader feels like they're looking at a collage of random pictures rather than a scene unfolding. For instance take these two approaches:

Apple. Potato. At a picnic. Wind. Bugs crawling on toes. Suddenly a bird. But also apple pie for desert. Every day. Other times it's the same. Walrus swim. Water. And rebirth.


or.. a more connected narrative approach...

I was at a picnic, and surveyed the scene of food options. Potato salad in a bowl, next to fresh cut apples. Suddenly I hear a bird call from the sky, I can't focus on the food, I look up, and survey the clouds. One appears to be a bug, another a walrus swimming through the sky. I've always looked for shapes in clouds, every day, it's the same distraction, an endless cycle of rebirth. I would have continued looking at the clouds, but my mom called "apple pie for desert" and my attention re-focused.
.

Do you see how the first one almost seems like nonsense after a while? A bit of narrative connections and internal dialogue really goes a long way in making a story approachable and readable.

The dialogue portions in the second half of your story were a bit easier to read, but I still feel like I know nothing about the character having read it, so a bit more history, or memory might help out there.

Good luck in your continued writing! I can tell you have a lot of interesting threads you're drawing from here.

~alliyah

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Random avatar
tory says...


Thanks so much for the feedback! As far as my writing style goes it was definitely experimental. I've seen a couple works with this short choppy style, almost in a poetic prose type of way and I wanted to try it out. It wasn't exactly supposed to be straight forward most of it was fairly confusing on purpose for the mysterious of it and my sheer boredom.



alliyah says...


Hmm I think reflecting on it as poetry sort of helps. And I definitely do appreciate seeing more experimental works on here - so kudos to you for giving it a try! It's a neat concept. I think perhaps a bit shorter would be even more effective - so that the reader's lost, but not like for an extended amount of time.



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Fri Feb 22, 2019 3:26 am
LadyJackalope wrote a review...



OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!! This is seriously amazing! There were a few flaws I noticed but the way you built the tension and created the mood was really good. I think you underestimate your writing abilities! I also think it works well as a standalone so long as you're ok with sad endings. So, into the review!

Blood spilled from her eyes, and her legs, they were moving slightly. But she wasn’t one bit alive.


Alright so, first off, throughout the story you use really short choppy sentences and this REALLY helps build the tension and the mood. Following this format, I think this sequence might look better as, "Blood spilled from her eyes. Her legs were moving slightly. But she wasn't one bit alive."

She shouldn’t of had it. She knew she shouldn’t of had it.


In both these "of"s should be have.

who really would know.


The really is unnecessary.

It was in fact important, but she simply couldn’t remember.


So this might be just be me but I think, as it is, the whole thing with the book doesn't quite work. In a short story, it's hard to flesh out things like this because there's so little space and you keep bringing up how important the book is to the point that it's one of the only things she remembers. However, that's never resolved. I think, if you keep it as more of a prologue it works because it promises to be a secret that will be explored, but in a short story that ends the way it does, it feels like it's just stealing the reader's attention away from the situation. Again, it's highly possible that's just me!

A metal table is where she woke up. Naked. Where was she?


Alright, so, this one is a bit complicated. You start with her waking up and transition into her trying to find her memories but then cut sharply to this. It ruins the cohesion of the story a little bit; it's almost like the story starts in two separate places. To fix this, you should either pick one beginning or find a way to make the transition a little bit more smooth.

Another table. Blood. A little boy. More blood. A steel rod, impaled through his neck. He had been dead a while, but not too long. An aura of death still lingered.


I love this sequence so much! As a side note, wouldn't an aura of death grow stronger the longer someone's been dead? It might make more sense to change it to, "A semblance of life still lingered" or something along those lines.

She couldn’t even think up her first name.


Remember is a bit more smooth than think up

To her, she had never done anything before, or anything like how she was now. She felt a sense of rebirth. Or maybe just an awakening. She was scared.


The phrasing of the first sentence is a bit disjointed. It might read smoother like, "In her mind, she had never done anything before, anything like she was doing now."

Mina and her bloody tears.


It's highly possible it was just me being oblivious but it took me a little bit to figure out that Mina is her sister.

She dropped the plant by her feet, and cried her own tears. One after another, tear after tear. A waterfall, a tsunami. She wanted to leave, she wanted to be free.


So, I'm guessing "cried her own tears" is connecting back to Mina's bloody tears? Again, it might just be my sleep deprived brain but it came off a bit disjointed at first.

Blood spilled out onto the floor. Dark. Red. Nothing unusual.


I love this a lot for some reason XD

She made a gasp, and breathed out, strained.


Replacing this with "she gasped" and maybe adding "from the pain" might flow a little better.

Her eyes were wide and she swallowed. She breathed out and choked.


"Her eyes widened" might work better. Also, a small note, generally people choke when breathing in because breathing out forces the obstruction out of the windpipe.

A pain so intense soared throughout her entire body and she fell to her knees.


"An intense pain" Also, this does leave me wondering how she didn't feel this pain before if it hurts so much now.

“Where’s Mina?”

She knew where her sister was. She remembered that part at least.


I'm not sure why she asked this if she already knew? Is she trying to call him out, accuse him, test him?

Blood on the floor. Dark. Red. Nothing unusual.


Heh

A woman and a man. A rabbit and a ram.

I don't really understand this but I really like it for some reason.

Or even summer, if the gods wished.


The introduction of gods this late in the story is a bit confusing. This almost treats them as if they're real which doesn't really fit the theme of the story so far.

No wings to save her.


I can't even describe how much I love this.



Alright so... I wrote a lot more than I intended to. I really love the way this is written. The choppy sentences build tension and really help reinforce the tone. One note I had about this, purely suggestion, is that you could break this tension at the end by using longer, more flowing sentences. I think it could be a really cool effect. If you ever do more with this, I'd love to see it!!!



Random avatar
tory says...


Thanks for the Feedback!!! I really appreciate it!! And the part about the rabbit and the ram, I went back and edited because I knew people would not understand but in the visual I had of that scene it was two people in animal masks. A rabbit and a ram. Haha most of what you responded with I knew was what was kind of off in my story. Most of it was straight- up word vomit and I never went back for any revisions I just wrote and then posted it here. I really do truly appreciate your tips and feedback. Thanks so much!!




You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer