Someone's there

Someone’s there

The pieces of music that have always clung to my soul are but strange memories that can’t be retrieved...nor erased. Time just comes to freshen them. After twenty-five years when my feet touched the ground of Jaipur…it just felt the same. The clear blue sky with scattered flakes of cloud looked the same. But yes, the buildings around tell that the times have changed. I hired a cab from outside the airport. With less luggage its not very tough to manage all alone, even at forty-five.

The driver asked where do you want to go? This is one question whose answer I did not know. How well organized and extended this city has become. The one-storyed bungalows give such a picturesque view.

The cab driver repeated the question once again.

Twenty-five years back…when I had first come here I was this stubborn young girl, who could adapt to anything. In fact my very decision of coming here was my stern wish. I had just seen a concert, by the students of Rajasthan Kala Sangam- a school of art, dance and music of Jaipur, in London. I dropped a year from college to come here, get myself enrolled into this school to learn Indian classical dance. I was not finding academics too exciting, so just in 2 minutes decided to take the plunge. A whimsical daughter of a rich London residing non-resident-Indian doctor, I was what bold girls of 19 are like. I followed my will and my parents had to agree to it. Honestly my parents in that sense of the word were not too bothered about me. They had separated when I was just 5 but neither married again. Since then, I have been the boss. If mom said no to something- go to dad and vice-versa.

My first cousin was married to an Indian in India...precisely in Delhi and I instantly called her up, got the formalities done and in three months I landed in that institute.

And today when I come here I really lack that gutsy attitude. Still wondering where to go, what to do…I kept memorising the past. A sort of comparison was working in me…about the past and the present, often losing myself in time…I kept the silence on.

“Ma’m are you a tourist? Coming here for the first time?”, asked the cab driver.

‘New’… was that I? God if years back I had not rushed to a hasty decision, I would today be residing here, happily…and today I feel like I am ‘new’!

“Actually yes!” I said, to my surprise. Was I ashamed to acknowledge my links of love with this township? No I was apprehensive. I had the address card in my hand, but I was scared to face this ‘today’. Will he recognise me? After all, I am not this young girl of 19 any more…and time has taken its toll on me too.

“ Ma’m, tell me your range of expense.”

I asked-“why?”

He explained that he would take me to a hotel according to my budget. I smiled. I decided, let me first visit the institute…but then, will the old teachers be there after so many years, and if not then, no one will even recognise me. But I once at least wanted to see that building…those walls…those halls…

But I obeyed the driver and reached a hotel. it was good but clearly the cab driver took commission from the hotel management for bringing a client. Not that I mind…but feels quite queer, to know a place and yet pretend you don’t. Often you get caught by yourself.

In the restaurant area of the hotel, there were these huge murals of locales of the town. All the buildings were so much known to me.

The pink walls of the city echoed pink love and I blushed pink red…even I could blush I thought.

My first day at the institute was quite strange. For once I did not make a single friend. First of all, I was kind of foreigner for the students there, who mostly came from a bit orthodox backgrounds and more importantly my dress, my style, my habits repelled them.

I mean, the dress code there was salwar-kameez for girls and pyajama-kurta for boys. I bought salwar suits that were not matching with the kind the other girls wore. Mine were a bit bold; sometimes flashy and I loved wearing backless stuffs. Whereas the others had traditional outfits. They wore beautiful colourful bangles, while I had these tomboyish bracelets, which I wore only one at a time, and a diamond nose-stud. I matched my danglers with the dress I was wearing. Later on, though everyone got accustomed to all that initially, it was a big hitch for them. And to top it all back them I was a chain-smoker. And Indian girls seldom, or rather almost never are found smoking. In the institute too, smoking was not allowed. But rules are made to be broken, or so I thought!]

After a couple of days, we had the first practical class of the session…that is basically the dance-session. The other two days we had theory. It was then that seeing my skill to pick up the dance with perfection that the other students of the class thought me to be of their species. And one young sweet fair regional girl, made the first move. She was Abha.

“What’s your name?” she asked me.

I said, “Meher”.

She was too innocent, candid and lovable. Somehow she behaved as though I fascinated her, due to some reason and loved me the way I was. She gave me the best things I had for my life. Ranging from a strong bond of true friendship with her…to the obsession of my life, my love Arya-who was her brother.

In the long run if I have wronged someone, its her. She loved me the most, and I hurted her the most.

The mural of the city palace on the wall opposite to my table ignites so many desires and dreams of youth in my mind.

Abha, Arya, ipshita- arya’s the then girlfriend, and I visited it for the first time. It was the month of May and terribly hot in this dessert city but I somehow convinced the lot to come here, because I wanted to see this historical place.

I was not interested in Arya initially. In fact that he was having a relationship with Ipshita, my one-year senior and his classmate was a known and accepted fact in the whole college.

But I was said to be a better dancer than Ipshita nad perhaps that’s the reason why the head of the college wanted me to dance while Arya sang in a particular show in Jodhpur to represent the college. The best side of Ipshita was that she was neither annoyed with me for that nor anything else.

Later it was in this City palace and Hawa Mahal (palace of wind) Arya and I would come in during leisure to be with each other. We would often build castles in air about our love and our future. Arya too had a quality of Abha. He was as surrendering. He believed that my eyes were his stars…and that’s what he ever told me.

Going back, it was during those rehearsals for the function in Jodhpur that Arya and I came closer. I still don’t know why he used to talk about Ipshita with me throughout the day, when he was actually getting attracted to me, or that’s what he later said. Perhaps he had tried to keep his emotions under control and stop himself from taking the plunge of loving me…but yeah he couldn’t. I do not know if it was my success or failure that he fell in love with me.

I liked Ipshita and him a lot, and never thought that I could be the reason for their break-up. But I had thought for may be just a minute before saying ‘yes’, when he proposed me.

Before that Abha had once said, I would like to have you as my sister-in-law, but I thought she was joking.

After a beautiful show at the Mehargarh Fort in Jodhpur, we were to stay in a camp near-by. Other than our solo performance, there was this group performance in which Abha was taking part. Ipshita did not come for the function. We had other classmates too there.

It was a three-day tour. First day we had our performance, on the second day Abha and group performed and on the third there was the finale in which we would have a colourful whole night party.

After first day’s show, we all college-mates grouped up, lit a fire and played the Indian traditional game antakshari. It was so much fun. After which I suggested , that we divided ourselves in two groups and we recited Urdu verse. Initially they were a bit amazed to get such a suggestion from me. and then got startled to know about the grip on the Urdu language.

The next day was free for Arya and me. so we thought we would go around the place. The others were like-“ you two are so selfish, going around alone…while we oil here for final practice.”

And we said “we’ll come back before you perform…what will we do throught the day!”

That day will be clearly etched in my mind forever. Arya was so much fun to be with. The regal city-tour donned its real essence when I was with him. One incident that day changed my perception of life. We were sauntering in the Mandore gardens, a beautiful historical old world garden. I offered him a cigarette. He rejected. And then as I was to light my own cigarette, he smiled and asked me a weird question-

“Why do you smoke?”

For a moment I laughed, then could not actually find an apt answer. Was strangely dumb-founded at the simple question. Quickly I asked him:

“Why don’t you?”

“Because no good comes of it.”

“Scared to risk your life?” I asked.

He laughed and said-“No, I am just being courageous enough to live.”

I threw my own cigar. I was dumb founded to find myself to be just a fool, boasting of stupid valour.

But these days I have resumed smoking…yes before you say it, let me tell I don’t have the courage to face life any more.

That night after we reached the Fort again and I got ready to attend the function, he came to go along with me to the open auditorium.

No one was there in the camp. Silence was speaking there. Everyone else had left. I wore a Saree fir the first time, and dressed up very traditionally for the first time. He arrived. He kept staring at me in a peculiar manner for a long time. Even I was taking his impression in my soul to last forever. In fact even today as I recall him, his apparition arrives in the way he looked years back in that evening. Strangely enough, even he too must have my that look embedded in his heart, even now. In memories people do not age.

I laugh to myself thinking what he would think of me today. I had a curly long black hair then. My face must have been devoid of even a mark, while today I have a eye bag and my hair too is not as long. The eyes that reminded Arya of the stars is masked beneath thick spectacles today.

And he…. i don’t know but that day when I had saw him, I felt him to be the phoenix rising from the ashes of princes’ from fairly tails. And it’s renowned that young girls look for their prince, undoubtedly I had mine in him. He was fair, soft curly hair, deep blue eyes and long fingers…clad in a blue Kurta embellished tenderly well. That’s Arya of my memories.

We were walking by the boundaries of the fort continually seeing the blue city below the rocky hill on which the fort was situated. The aroma of old world surmounted the moment, when suddenly going ahead of time Arya said: ‘ I want to see how this girl looks when she grows old.”

Something happened inside me, which I cannot describe. My feet ceased to move any further. As if all the darkness of the universe got together to captivate us, we thought as though we were not being able to see each other properly. The music coming from huge, gallant corridors seemed to be past for us, we were racing against time. I do not know when I held his hand tightly, and when he pulled me to his chest, I only know something was happening. A sense of longing, a sense of losing…everything encompassed the moment. My throat was choked. I could not ask anything…yet I was responding. His eyes were glistening with tears, and mine were dry. We complimented each other.

After I don’t know how long, I suddenly regained my senses. I asked playfully-“ so? Do you want me to come down here, when I grow old…so that you can see me?”

He sighed heavily, and then he said-“ no…I will make all the preparations, so that you do not ever go.”

I tried to look into his eyes boldly, as I could feel his breath on the lips. They were cold.

The cold water of the glass pours through my neck, but I bet his breath was colder.

“Ma’m, your orders please.” Asks the waiter.

I look up to find, Arya is not here. But I have come here to keep his wish. Not that I am too old, but I do not know how long I will be able to take on the strain of long journey in a flight, as I have a breathing problem.

Suddenly I feel, it may be so that Arya himself has forgotten me. No…I shudder. All these years I have sustained myself with the hope that, even after the world forgets me someone’s there, who wait till I grow old. Even if the world considers my beauty died…someone’s there who will be waiting for me as I age.

On the next day, at Jodhpur, during the whole night party, he pulled me out.

I asked-“what? Why did you bring me here into the open?” it was the same place were he had spoken to me the last day. So instead of waiting for the answer, I got lost in the night.

“I want this night to last forever.” I said.

He calmly looked at me with eyes burning red, “Meher only you can make it possible, he said.”

Soon we escaped from the place to walk quite a lot till we reached a temple like building. We spent the night together there. We decided to be back an hour before the time party was to go off, so that this beautiful incident remains secret forever.

And so we took care to reach the party in time. The party was still on a roll. It was huge and we were sure no one would have even noticed our absence. The party ended and both of us got back to the camp, but strangely found no one else. An hour passed that way, then we got tensed. After waiting for quite sometime, we found the teacher who had accompanied us on the trip. He impatiently asked Arya-“ where were you?”

Arya asked-“why?”

Arya’s father had gone for a business tour and Arya’s mother fell sick. She was alone and so the maid of the house had taken her to a hospital. In the night itself, our college got the information and passed on to the committee here. Our teacher asked Abha to leave for Jaipur with Arya. And when Arya could not be found he sent Abha with another student.

Arya did not answer. He was perhaps too shocked to answer. The others from our group who were still there, tried to dilute the tension and told that instead of wasting time Arya should leave. Our actual departure from there was scheduled to be on the next day.

Arya wanted me to accompany him, but did not know how to tell that to Sir. Deepak, who was arya’s closest friend must have understood that, so he told sir, someone should accompany Arya and then why not Meher. But sir could not be easily bluffed. He blankly asked Deepak to accompany Arya in that case, and not me.

Two days later back in Jaipur, in the hostel of the college where I was staying I took permission to go to the hospital. Since I did not know how to get there Abha came to take me. I wanted Arya to come, for I did not know how to face her. But as I mentioned she loved me too much to get annoyed due to anything. While going she said, that her mom was doing well, and there was no reason to be tensed. She did not ask me anything embarrassing. In fact since her mom was unconscious for quite some time, her mom did not even know that Arya had come in later. Besides her dad arrived only a day later, so even he did not know. But I understood clearly Abha knew what was happening.

As soon as I met Arya in hospital, I forgot what I had come for there. I felt a pang as if I had been away from him for a long time. Talking of his mom was just a formality, even Arya reciprocated my impatience. I do not know what on earth the siblings had told to their parents about me, so that as soon as I entered and was named to be Meher, Arya’s mother welcomed me with a big smile.

Days passed on and we started doing desperate things. We neglected our college, family…rules everything else. At dead of night I would bribe the college gatekeeper to escape out, taking huge risks every night and walk alone upto isolated spots, to meet him, as he stole out of his house.

Today if anyone asks me to go to the same spots, alone at night I will rperhaps be scared but, he was kind of an addiction for me which was deadlier than fear. We met during college hours but that was not enough.

One night I kept on waiting for him, but he did not arrive, and reached the hostel later than what I had thought, for other days he would bring me back there on his bike. I was almost caught but somehow escaped.

I was too angry when I came to know that he was tired and fell asleep, so forgot to come. To somehow tackle my anger, Arya bunked college, to take me else where, to spend the day. He had broke up from Ipshita.

Everyone in college knew about us, and we became the reputed lovers, but Abha never spoke to me about this, though abha and I still spent ample time together.

One day all of a sudden, abha informed that she was to get married next month. I lost my sense almost. But she seemed not that shocked. I asked if she wanted to get married, she said that it was her father’s decision and no one in the house, including her mother could speak anything against it. I was disgusted, but abha was cool. I told Arya to do something for her but Abha actually did not want either of us to get involved in this case.

During that month I often visited her house. Her mom, she and I would go together for shopping to Jauhari Bazaar or Bapu market etc. I came to know her mom closely. She was a good but timid lady. And most importantly, she loved me a lot.

I do not know if she is alive today, but aunty was s sweet to me, truly.

Since I am not being able to be courageous enough and go Jaipur, so I guess it would be better if I go to Abha’s house in Ajmer, first. I will visit Abha first, then together we’ll go to ajmer’s Darga. So I talked with the hotel’s officials to arrange for a car to Ajmer.

I reached Ajmer in the morning. Following the address written on the invitation card Arya gave me while inviting I reach the Bungalow.

There’s a story about this card as well. Hen Arya gave it to me, I saw the date and found that it was during the time of Id. It was the only time, when our family got together, so I was supposed to go to London. I told so. I knew Arya would resist it, but what he told was even stranger-

“Why do you get together, during Id?”

Before I could answer, he seemed to recollect something, and then said-“ you are a Muslim?”

“yeah... my full name is Meherunisa, so?” I asked.

“But I am a Hindu.”, he mentioned.

“ I know. And Abha know I am Muslim, so what?”

“Oh! That’s why Abha said me that it would be tough for us to be together…that’s get married.”

“Is it?” I doubted, for I never really attached much importance to religion. I was astonished to see him thinking of it, seriously. But he too followed my suit; he did not care about what our religions were. He just sad “ for me its Meher, who is important.”

Since then, I have forever tried to remain as ‘his Meher’.

Finally I attended abha’s wedding. I did not go to London. I had also come to Ajmer for her reception. I was considered to be in the family. It was that close association with the family, for which I really came to understand what a family should be like. Childish stubbornness, obsessions were so small when compared to this entire concept of a family. I for the very first time longed to have a closely-knit family, and I trusted Arya to fill in the details to my sketch.

Dance, music, functions…I decided if I marry, it would be this way, otherwise not.

And the later was to come true.

I knocked the door of the bungalow. A servant opened the door.

“Whom do you want?”

“Abha…can I meet Abha?”

“Ma’m…come sit here.”, the servant said and I sat in the drawing room. It was a palatial building; I had noticed when I had come years back. But this time it felt even bigger. Perhaps the building has been expanded I thought.

A few magazines about the contemporary Rajasthani handicraft lay on the table. I turned its pages.

After Abha’s wedding, don’t know why in a hurry Arya told his parents about our relationship. Abha was right, though after initial hesitation her mother came to terms with my religion, her father did not. He clearly said a no!

Arya called me near Jal Mahal. We sat beside the lake and then calmly he told me all these. For once I was speechless. “Then?” I asked.

Arya had a firm sight. He said-“ we’ll get married ourselves and live separated”.

This was even more shocking. For some time I had thought my life long loneliness shall be gone…but here this would neither do good to me with a sense of guilt moreover Arya would be pulled into the world of loneliness.

Arya and I have forever been selfish in love, but this was being too much I thought. How could I bring disgrace to abha amongst her in-laws. How could I bereave that sweet aunty Arya’s mom of her son? How could I selfishly have Arya, when I know how it is to live without a good family? How could I justify the fact that problem children like me were always obsessive and selfish? I could not wrong them all. But definitely my youth would take me along to sacrifice and may be…one day his family would accept me.

In a few days, I decided to leave Jaipur. I thought- let me go away, and one day Arya shall convince his family and then I will become a part of the family with grace.

On the last day we ever met Arya looked as good as ever in a green shirt and denims. When I told him of my decision, he abused me, calling me a coward. He did not try to understand my point. All his anger was on his father and then on me. I perhaps wronged him, to leave him alone like that. Then I literally had to run, to get back to the hostel. Since I could not get the tickets made or formalities done quickly, I straight went to my cousin’s place in Delhi. From there within a week I was gone to London.

For many years I thought Arya would call me…he had all the address, no.s and everything…but he did not. I knew he had got over me. But how…I did not know.

For even I tried to go ahead but could not. In total I had been in Jaipur for just nine-months but nine years were not enough to rub off those days from my life. I longed for Arya. I rejected many proposals to get married. Could not ever concentrate on studies or jobs. Whatever my father and mother had left for me, I have been my bread for years now. I have wasted time, energy, and money like water for years now.

Arya was not withy me, but every time have dressed up I have considered to look good in his invisible vision. His taste, his way of life have not left me even today.

A young girl came and asked who I was. I did not tell my name, just told that was a friend of Abha. She informed Abha- that is her mother had gone out, and would be coming soon.

She was abha’s daughter I thought. She was sweet and charming just like her, but had blue eyes of Arya.

An hour later abha came. She had grown old…truly. I men she looked so old, older than me!! Frail but strong-willed it seemed. I stood up and said-“ how are you?”

She cast a glance but did not reply. She went inside another room. I felt embarrassed. Has Abha not recognised me. I told the girl to go and tell her mom my name. She went inside.

After a couple of minutes the girl came back with a tray of food and water. She said, “Mom asked you to have it.”

I was hungry, but still did not feel like eating. I asked-“where’s your mom?” the girl said-“have your food, she is coming.”

I had the food, and then washed my hands. After spending almost an hour waiting like that, I told the girl-“ tell your mom, I am leaving.” I thought Abha would at least come to say a bye. But she didn’t.

I left the house. I opened the door of the hired car, I had got from Jaipur. Got inside, asked the cab driver to leave for Jaipur directly. For quite some time, anger reddened me inside. This much humiliation- what have I done? I kept looking outside the window.

After a long time, I don’t know why I casually looked down to find an envelope in my car’s seat. I opened it to find it saying:

“ You must be angry dear. Did you think I could not recognise you? How did you think so? Meher…if I forget you…I will forget myself as well. I even perhaps know the reason why you have come…but don’t know what to tell about him. But by not telling you, I cant do wrong to you. Just remember…whatever people think…neither Arya nor I ever thought you to be wrong.

“I still consider you to me innocent…even after…Arya set fire in our Jaipur’s house…yes Arya wanted to kill dad…mom and he too died in the fire…he devastated himself…cause he wanted you. And you would be more astonished to know…it all happened twenty-five years back, the night you left for Delhi.

“I am sorry for everything…when Arya was taking his last breath in hospital he wanted to meet you once…you were in India itself…I knew…but did not inform.

Do not curse me for that as I had my own reasons…one being I could not recover from the shock …secondly everyone came to know of you and Arya…including college and no one spared abusing and cursing you…even Deepak…as well as my husband. F they found you…I was scared that they would harm you…and thirdly I did not want you to follow Arya’s suit. Yes I know, fresh from so many traumas…you would take that path as well…but I trusted Arya died so that you live. That must have been his last wish.

“Please forgive me…try to understand that it wasn’t painful only for you to live in ignorance…how tough it must have been to hide so much suffering on my part from my best friend.

“Even today if my in-laws came to know who you really were they would perhaps…accuse you to be arya’s murderer…so I let you go.

“Please never again come back. You never knew but Arya had told me how he had proposed you…today I feel I am alive just to fulfil his desire. His soul…if it is anywhere must have seen you and rested in peace. Don’t try to dig it back.

“I know so long…if not anywhere else Arya must have lived in you…today on his behalf I ask let him go….”

The letter ended abruptly with a shaky handwriting… but for the several hour-long journey I simply cried.

The tears of ages had kept themselves hidden in my eyes for a long time…they needed to flow, so that Arya could go…so that Meher died spiritually forever, as she today came to know…her belief that someone’s there was a mere impression.

As the car passed by the rough Aravallis, the rocky mountains, the sun’s last rays descended behind those hills…and the thorny desert shrubs screamed...none’s here…no one!!!