Black and Blue

Black and blue

Who are we? An individual or just a medium of execution of someone else’s will or a puppet in the hand of destiny. Do we have the right to choose or are we options ourselves?

I had wondered why Mills and Boons romances were such magic but never ever gave a thought to the above questions and would not either, but only if I had a choice.

IIT was the target for me, and a 90% in ISC. Nothing more than what a good science student wants for or her parents ask for. My dad and mom chose the line for me and I was happy!

I loved it when I saw that there was this newspaper clip asking for some old Hindi song cassettes in exchange for two Physics CDs, which were designed to meet the need of honours students. I thought I should grab a copy of the thing, and after all knowing more never harms you.

Besides for long my tape recorder had been out of repair and the Discman met my musical needs well. And hey, the little secret was that, dad had promised me an ipod if I got good marks in ISC, so you know…cassettes were spare!

I met this guy Shayan at a shopping mall. He looked like a college goer but he said that he’s currently got a job after doing his masters in Physics and was moving away from Kolkata. He did not require those CDs anymore hence wanted to exchange them for his beloved movie songs! Fair enough!

He was the studious types. Who discuss lessons even sipping iced Mocha at the café and within an hour he had given me lectures on how to score well in ISC and stuff.

For most of the time while he was giving his lectures I was absorbing his charms intently. I mean he had this chocolaty looks that I fancied, had a bookish lingo, boyish smile and gentleman like mannerisms. And as per my nature of having a new crush every two weeks he posed himself as the next most ideal man to fancy.

With only two papers left for my rehearsal exams to get over, prior to my computer exams as I was practising programs in my PC, I thought to check out the CD. After all physics interested me a lot! And anything new heightened the interest a little bit more.

Next few minutes halted my life! For…whatever I saw, could be anything but physics! Men, women and …something incomprehensible. So queer…something that was more forbidden than anything else opened a strange new window in front of me. Where there was nothing familiar, yet I knew what it was, what I had not wanted to see yet could not tackle my curiosity that provoked me to remain hooked and find out what more was left to happen. It was what we had always discussed as the nasty business…under the title porn. It was that blue film world which was supposed to be the worst of all worlds.

But ever since I watched, something was eating me up. May be conscience or may be fear. The first thing that hit my mind was that, no one should come to know of it. And through my exam, the next day my nerve was not supporting me, and I was feeling sick.

In spite of all these at heart I somehow felt that Shayan must not have done all these to me consciously! So it would be the best to get in touch with him and sort things out. While departing that day, he had asked me to e-mail him if I ever wanted his help and truly I now wanted it.

Besides I had no one really to share my problem with. My sister, four years younger was not expected to understand. My parents were out of question! My friends would perhaps desert me! I was feeling so uncomfortable and scared everyday and needed help. So I wrote to Shayan, abusing him for the CD, though I thought the fault was not his and asked him for a remedy.

But I was not very good at concealing articles and clearly did not have too many places to hide them. Besides I was too nervous even to save myself and think rationally or coolly. The inevitable happened.

My parents got hold of the CD, from my bag somehow! I always knew they would be angry if they happened to know but…it was far more than that! They did not trust a single word of mine. They kind of locked me up in the house and no one was expected to talk to me. I was not supposed to attend phone calls or tuition classes. The most unexpected part was that my own parents, who had held me as an ideal daughter had no faith in my explanations.

I failed the last paper of the rehearsal exams and my mother decided that there was no point allowing me to sit for the boards…or that’s what she declared. No one understood me or even tried to. Mom-dad who were the only people who knew were behaving so adversely and then what if the whole world got the news!

Being pampered always in life, it sucked to be treated like a dog at home. It felt so depressing and helpless and like others of my age I did feel like committing suicide! But even though I tried, I did not have the guts, just like I did not have the guts to sustain myself as the innocent being victimised. Even dying was not so easy, just like life wasn’t. And why I landed up in a mess like that, I don’t know!

With a day to spare for the boards I was sitting at my study hopelessly as the alphabets from test papers stared at me. The ‘Target IIT’ and ‘Sure Shot ISC’ and stuff were lying with a dusty cover, not having been touched for long and I felt as though I did not even know what they were.

I switched on my PC to take prints for some study material but the fact that I had lost the most valuable month of my life haunted me. And leave alone 90 even wildest imagination could not fetch me anything more than 50% in boards and then what? The whole school would be laughing at me. My parents would be shunning me because I was no more the potential dream fulfiller for them!

Life does not give a second chance, and my parents would not even give me the first. Why? Why can’t they come and for once rescue me from the trauma instead of tormenting me? It kills to be hated by people whom you love the most and if you lose their trust honestly there’s nothing more to fight for.

As I was checking my e-mail box, I found Shayan had finally answered to my mail. I finally had hope.

“ Hi”, it wrote.

“ So you don’t know what to do? Exchange the CD with another friend silly!!! As I did with you. And here you are welcome to join my blog. I am sending you the link.

“ You click there and you earn with little effort more than ever. And as you pass on the CD in form me with details of the person and you will get your first payment. Okay for that open an online bank account. Fast…its simple.

“ And yeah, it was lovely meeting you that day!”

And he signed off. It was late night. My parents were asleep; they had their dreams intact though I will not figure there any more as a medium and may be my sister has taken that place. My friends must have been burning the midnight oil, they had to do well. The city outside functioned normal; as it had been for years…no one cared for a girl sitting alone. And just one address in blue hyperlinks…a coward and weak-hearted girl, could not find anything more suitable than a black hand to hold to sustain herself in the darkness.