The full caps really demolish any rhythm that you could possibly have. Without it, I think it would be much better. I'd give it a shot.
BEREFT
THE FATIGUE OF ETERNAL WAIT
OVERRIDES THE BENT FOR LOVE;
AND I THE BRIDE OF THE AGE’S FERRYMAN, STAND TODAY BEREFT.
I HAVE SWALLOWED THE THIRST,
AND MY VOICE IS CRACKED, CANNOT ENSTART
ANY LOVE-LORN SOUL’S SUMMONING MELODY.
THE ERROSION OF KNOWLEDGE FROM
THE WORLD AT LARGE-THE BROKEN FRAGMENTS OF
NALANDA-TAXILA, HAS CORRODED MY ZEST FOR KNOWLEDGE.
AND TODAY I CANNOT RELATE TO THE CHANTS AND CHITTAM’S
OF HOLY LIFE! I STAND REASONLESS –BEREFT!
THE FEAR OF OBLIVION-BOTH OF PERSON AND EMOTION,
HAD FORCED ME TO TAKE TO VERSES.
BUT TRANSIENT PAGES AND MORAL OF UNTAMPERED AGES,
TAUGHT A DIFFERRNT LESSON OF MUTABILITY OF ALL THAT GOES BY.
THEY SAY, SOUND AND SCRIPT WILL MELT AWAY,
LEAVING A SENSATION STILL AWAKE.
BUT PRAGMATIC OUTLOOK DOESNOT SEE THE POWER TO LIVE
THROUGH TIME IN SENSES!
SO FEAR CLASHED CREATIVITY ---LEAVING ME, …BEREFT!!!
The full caps really demolish any rhythm that you could possibly have. Without it, I think it would be much better. I'd give it a shot.
Back away from the thesaurus.
Really, when a writer gets heavy-handed with mulitsyllabic words, it breaks the rhythm, looks over-wrought, and is uninviting.
If you are aiming for a more intellectual audience, tighten up your grammar.
The caps work on the title. They don't work otherwise, it makes everything look the same and hard to read.
Oh, come on Bobo! His voice is cracked. Didn't it ever occur to you that there was a logical reason for that?
Lay off the caps and italics, man. Not cool.
*covers ears* You don't need to shout. Unless this is supposed to be, like, hard rock or something.
I didn't really get the point of this, but it sounded cool.
120,390 Literary Works • 649,702 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 14
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