Young Writers Society

No worries, Torsa, I'm sorry if I misinterprited the theme, but I just found it very unclear, and I wouldn't be suprised if others did too. I only commented on what I saw, and I didn't make guesses, so you have a truthful critique, but don't worry about it, I don't mind if you don't use the suggestions, but if it was me, I would. The poem really didn't have anything for me.

Anyway, good job.

hi boni,

i agree to some of your comments but by and large you have misinterpreted the piece.
here first of all the 'he' is the almighty our protector and not the 'night' as you may have thought.

Boni_Bee wrote:He sang all night, no matter what!
Darkness and its black gala mantle,
Was tightening it grip,
Knotting and trying to suffocate us.
His subtle fingers could not stand the toil-
They ashamedly bled, bled and…bled
Interestingly, he played with that red… - the first half of this stanza was good, but the last 3 lines ruined what could have been a good dramatic piece, and not horror And don't ryme a small part of the stanza, either do the whole thing in ryme, or none.

The soothing dew poured all along,
Burning moments with scorching zest. - you contradicted yourself here...
He kissed them with his tongue though,
Fireflies instigated ran away into the black
Yet he sang on… - 'instigate' means to 'urge on; goad', and the way you put it in that line didn't fit, since fireflies don't bite/sting

The fall of yellow leaves
On the steadfast journey of time-
The swaying mood,
The broken branches… yet,
Sitting by the firelight,
He sang on…all night. - the first three lines of this stanza made it sound like it was in the daytime, and didn't tye in with the theme. I don't like how you keep repeating that he is singing...and its not very clear that the night is singing

I was panicked alone,
While the whole earth was deaf in sleep.
Even’s water was stagnant in deep… - do you mean 'even'? You have started ryming here, and it doesn't sound good with the rest being just plain.
The forest was black with carpet of grass - 'carpets of grass' would be better, and I haven't heard of grass being naturally black...
I only lay helpless without any fight - 'only lay helpless'? That doesn't make sense
Yet he comforted me, as he sang all night.

By and by even stars fell down, - don't use the word 'even' again, or at least, not so soon...
Tempest came to test his might . . . - 'tempests' would sound a lot better.
Time doomed with no fate bright.
Yet he went on…to sing all night. - aaak, I don't like that last line!!! Its really bugging me. Maybe every second verse you could say it, but not each one!

But at the morn when the time was mine
I tried to get hold of him…
The eternal singer who had
Comforted me in dark.
I wanted to pay him tribute,
When I had shine. - you really need some proper words for imagery, if you were trying to ryme with the first line...that doesn't work

Oh me! He was nowhere around. - do you mean 'oh my!'???
No matter what there was no sound… - put a comma after 'what'
I needed him not, ’tis true…
At least I could have bid a loyal adieu. - I like this bit of ryme, but it does't fit the overall thing...
In that forest I looked for him in each avenue.
Which were still soaking time in
Sublime drops of eve’s dew. - this is probably the only verse I like, although everything rymed on a 'ew' sound

I tried and gazed on, wherever travelled
My narrowed humanly sight.
But I guess you get some only in need’s hour.
He was nowhere when things got right; - this is ok, although still bland
He-who sang all night. - That is the only time I like the 'sang all night' part

Ok...! I hope my critque helped It could be a very interesting, dark, and dramatic poem, if you used good imagery, and not plain words that you try and ryme. Some of the words you use are rather pathetic. There is such a thing as a Dictionary and Thesaurus, and I suggest you use them, quick smart! The theme for this poem was good, but you didn't do it justice. I think it needs a lot of work done on it, and I'd like to see a revised version. All the best!

He sang all night, no matter what!
Darkness and its black gala mantle,
Was tightening it grip,
Knotting and trying to suffocate us.
His subtle fingers could not stand the toil-
They ashamedly bled, bled and…bled
Interestingly, he played with that red… - the first half of this stanza was good, but the last 3 lines ruined what could have been a good dramatic piece, and not horror And don't ryme a small part of the stanza, either do the whole thing in ryme, or none.

The soothing dew poured all along,
Burning moments with scorching zest. - you contradicted yourself here...
He kissed them with his tongue though,
Fireflies instigated ran away into the black
Yet he sang on… - 'instigate' means to 'urge on; goad', and the way you put it in that line didn't fit, since fireflies don't bite/sting
The fall of yellow leaves
On the steadfast journey of time-
The swaying mood,
The broken branches… yet,
Sitting by the firelight,
He sang on…all night. - the first three lines of this stanza made it sound like it was in the daytime, and didn't tye in with the theme. I don't like how you keep repeating that he is singing...and its not very clear that the night is singing

I was panicked alone,
While the whole earth was deaf in sleep.
Even’s water was stagnant in deep… - do you mean 'even'? You have started ryming here, and it doesn't sound good with the rest being just plain.
The forest was black with carpet of grass - 'carpets of grass' would be better, and I haven't heard of grass being naturally black...
I only lay helpless without any fight - 'only lay helpless'? That doesn't make sense
Yet he comforted me, as he sang all night.

By and by even stars fell down, - don't use the word 'even' again, or at least, not so soon...
Tempest came to test his might . . . - 'tempests' would sound a lot better.
Time doomed with no fate bright.
Yet he went on…to sing all night. - aaak, I don't like that last line!!! Its really bugging me. Maybe every second verse you could say it, but not each one!

But at the morn when the time was mine
I tried to get hold of him…
The eternal singer who had
Comforted me in dark.
I wanted to pay him tribute,
When I had shine. - you really need some proper words for imagery, if you were trying to ryme with the first line...that doesn't work

Oh me! He was nowhere around. - do you mean 'oh my!'???
No matter what there was no sound… - put a comma after 'what'
I needed him not, ’tis true…
At least I could have bid a loyal adieu. - I like this bit of ryme, but it does't fit the overall thing...
In that forest I looked for him in each avenue.
Which were still soaking time in
Sublime drops of eve’s dew. - this is probably the only verse I like, although everything rymed on a 'ew' sound

I tried and gazed on, wherever travelled
My narrowed humanly sight.
But I guess you get some only in need’s hour.
He was nowhere when things got right; - this is ok, although still bland
He-who sang all night. - That is the only time I like the 'sang all night' part

Ok...! I hope my critque helped It could be a very interesting, dark, and dramatic poem, if you used good imagery, and not plain words that you try and ryme. Some of the words you use are rather pathetic. There is such a thing as a Dictionary and Thesaurus, and I suggest you use them, quick smart! The theme for this poem was good, but you didn't do it justice. I think it needs a lot of work done on it, and I'd like to see a revised version. All the best!