Note: The title will probably change. I'm not really liking it that much but I couldn't think of anything else.
Jake looked out over the street. It was the end of the day for the market, which was the easiest time to pull something because everyone would be busy. She climbed down from her place in the large oak tree at the beginning of the street. She smoothed her hair and looked down ae the low-cut dress that she had swiped off of someone's wash line earlier that day.
Her first stop as always was James's Fruit Store. Jake walked into the small store and straight up to the medium height counter. She leaned forward on the counter as James walked closer, giving him a clear view down her dress. His large blue eyes widened then quickly narrowed slyly at her. He leaned forward so that their faces were less than an inch apart.
"Hey, We still on for later?" He whispered, afraid of someone over hearing.
"Of course, that is if your willing to bring the usual." Jake said. James nodded fiercly some of his blonde hair falling into his eyes. He was so gullible to think that Jake wasn't just using him for the fruit he gave her. James quickly straightened at the sound of the back door slamming shut. Jake slowly stood up as James's wife, Gina, walked to the front of the store. Gina wasn't unattractive, she just wasn't what James had wanted in a wife. It was obvious by the way his eyes had rolled over Jake that what he wanted was Jake, who was the opposite of Gina. Gina was rail thin where as Jake was curvy. Jake was short yet graceful while James' wife was long but clumsy. Basically everything James wanted Gina wasn't, which worked well for Jake. Gina shot Jake a dirty look.
"I'll see you later, James." Jake said as she sashaed out of the small store. She turned at the door. James nodded obviously uncomfortable around his wife.
Jake walked around the corner to the bakery. She stepped in and let the warm scent of the fresh baked bread, surround her. Jake walked around looking at the racks of bread. Out of the corner of her eye she could see the baker's wife walk to the back of the shop. Jake knew that about once a week she let her steal a loaf of bread. Jake always took the bread that they threw out at the end of the day but that was usually the sweet breads and the kids needed filling wheat or rye bread. Jake usually hated this sort of pity but it was getting harder to feed everyone especially since Zane was growing into a teenage boy and has been eating like the other boys.
She put a medum size loaf of wheat bread in her purse. She would send Link and Griff out later for the other bread. She took one last breath of the sweet smelling air of the bakery and walked back out on to the street. She strolled down to the dairy shop in hopes of finding some cheese to go on the bread. The shops would all be closing soon so it would be easier to get something from the old farmer. She walked up to the stand at the edge of the street. The old farmer looked her up and down and grinned. He only had two teeth. Jake shivered at the thought of what thoughts his ancient mind was thinking about her 16 year old body.
Thankfully, a fight broke out across the street pulling the farmer's eyes away from her and the cheese in front of her. She seized the oppurtunity and stuffed the cheese in her bag.
Jake quickly checked to make sure that neither of the boys in the fight was one of her boys. After seeing that it was two boys who had the clothes of shopkeeper's sons. Jake resisted the urge to walk farther up the street to the shops where they sold things like furniture, clothes, and other things she could never afford. She looked down at the simple flats that she wore. They, like everything in her small wardrobe had been taken from the house of someone that went "missing" because of the goverment. She was thinking about all of the terrible things that Cassiper the dictator of her country had done, when the large clock in the middle of the square rang five o'clock.
She walked back down the street as the shops around her started to close. Jake finally reached the front of the street where James's Fruit Shop was. She checked that the lights in the front were off and the door was locked which meant that Gina had gone home for the day. Jake went around to the back where she knew he would be waiting for her. She let herself in and walked into the dark room. Gina thought that James took inventory on Monday evenings so he always waited in the office incase she decided to check on him. She knocked on the door gently.
"Who is it?" James called from the other side. She gently pushed open the door.
"Your expecting someone else?"
"No, I was just making sure it wasn't Gina" He said walking towards her. She pulled the door shut behind her as his arms encircled her waist, pulling him closer to him.
"You look beautiful in this dress." He whispered softly in her ear. Jake made a noise of agreement and pressed her lips against his. He kissed her back and their kisses started to escalate from soft, gentle kisses to fierce, hungry kisses. Jake's arms slide around his neck as his hands began to explore her body. She pulled his shirt up over his head as he slide Jake's dress up her thigh. She ran her hands over his chest feeling every crease of his muscles from lifting the large cases of fruit. Jake broke away from the kisses and grabbed James's hand and led him to the cot he kept in the back of the office. She didn't know how he explained it to his wife but she didn't care.
Jake didn't think of herself as a whore. She wasn't like those women on the edge of town who sold their bodies to hundreds of men, Jake only slept with James. Also most of those women did it for money to buy drugs or alcohol. Jake just did it so that she could give her family fruit to keep them fed.
Jake pulled her dress on a while later and got ready to leave. James climbed out of the cot and crossed to her.
"Meet me again, tomorrow." He begged.
"Oh no, you know my rules James, unless your willing to double my order it's once a week.," She gave him a small peck on the cheek. "Fruit's by the door?" He nodded. I knew he would never double my order because he could barely explain the missing fruit every week to Gina. Jake smoothed her hair back down and walked to the door. She dumped the week's worth of fruit into her bag. It made the bag very heavy but nothing she couldn't handle.
Jake walked to the edge of town. She walked to the house where she had gotten the dress that morning and grabbed her clothes from the corner of the alley. She pulled off the dress and hung it back on the line, then stepped into her worn jeans and old faded blue t-shirt both of which had seen better days. Then, Jake grabbed her bag and started back off for home.
-Thanks in advance!
Tori
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Canary word: Present
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Thanks Stella! This isn't the actual end of the first chapter but I got the feeling that it was too long so this is all I put up.
Thanks for the grammar stuff I'll make sure and change it. As for starting my sentences, this is my first attempt at third person so I'm pretty new at it. There is a lot more explaining when you meet the other kids that she likes with. They also have a small garden in the field beside the abandoned building they live in but I'm thinking of cutting out the garden and make James own a vegtable store. The boys also hunt for meat during the day so they also like off of that.
Jake is willing to do anything for her family even if she doesn't like it but they need food and this is the only way she can see getting it. They live in a society where you can't get a job until your 18 because as far as the goverment is concerned you don't exist if you don't have parents until your 18, and all of the kids Jake lives with are orphans.
They bathe in a small lake by their house so she is clean.
Thanks for your input.
Hey Tori, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
Why not just say market day?
at.
Confused about dialogue punctuation? This article will explain it all.
you're.
sixteen.
You're.
Doesn't stop her being a prostitute.
Um... I?
Okay...
II. SENTENCE STRUCTURE
A lot of your sentences are starting with "Jake" or "she." This gets a bit monotonous. Try and mix it up! If there's an accompanying clause, put it first, if there's a way to phrase things differently, do so. As soon as you start dealing with this, it gets much much easier, but just mixing things around at first can be difficult. But go on! Give it a shot!
III. REALISM
You can't feed children on fruit. Vegetables, yes. Fruit has too much sugar and fibre and stuff. Too much of it will make you ill. You can't feed people on bread, cheese and fruit. They need other things as well.
As well as that, well, really, he's going to sleep with her? She's going to let him? Think of how difficult that would be. I'm sixteen, and I could never think of doing something like that- especially for a luxury like fruit. I'd be more concerned with, like, getting a job, getting by some other way.
Also, I got the impression she was homeless. Isn't she dirty then too? That's not attractive.
IV. OVERALL
This wan't bad, just needs some polish
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x