Published January 8, 2012
The stony line of battle.
Unmoving.
Silently declaring war,
against a cause unknown...
Against the voices in one man’s head.
Slowly the troops move forward,
Sniping,
and chipping away at the adopted enemy,
unfair though it is.
The still lips concealing
the splintering of a mind
that does not wish to be cruel,
but to be gently caressed,
And upturned.
For a kind voice to say:
Go home.
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Oooooh, interesting... I like it! I know War is a pretty common theme but I still like it. I love its ambiguity; it kind of flashes in and out if that makes sense. Nothing really strikes me until the last part :
which I think is brilliant! Its finality and simplicity really resonates, so well done on that part!Hey tonepoem!
Aha, a war poem! Always very dramatic.
Now... er... a couple of things! You decided to write about war, which is really dramatic and everything. War means a lot to different people, and there have been some people who have been absolutely devastated by war in their lives. So, it's a really touchy subject. Besides that, many different people have different things that happened to them during the war.
With that said, I think that your particular poem is very general to the point of not making sense. Is this only a metaphor, or if this talking about an actual war? Maybe you want to see both (which would be cool) but if you did, you have to be specific. People fight wars for a reason! The reason may be good or bad, but it's still a reason, and it's still important to state the motivations of the guys that are fighting, especially since you're in the battlefield over here. The guys have to know what they're fighting against.
For this reason, your poem doesn't really do justice to the guys in the actual wars. Yes, it's a stony line of battle. Yes, the cause of the war may be unknown. But that doesn't change the fact that they're killing people. When I was reading All Quiet on the Western Front (good book, by the way) they had their doubts as to what they were really fighting and joked about how the politicians should wrestle and kill each other. However, they knew who they were fighting... they were fighting Frenchmen the same age as them. So, in your poem the part where they don't seem to know who they are fighting seems a little strange to me. Why are they so oblivious?
You may be taking this as a metaphor for another issue besides war... but if you are, you should give hints as to what this issue is because that would lend another dimension to this poem and make it cool.
If this poem is about war though... I think you should be a whole lot more specific. Right now, it's too generic to be meaningful.