“You’re not really here”.
I frowned. “Pardon?”
You’re not here” the woman repeated, turning to face me. Her irises looked luminescent in the neon glow of the subway station, “you can’t be”
I shifted across, escaping inches at a time. Who was this lunatic.
“You ain’t real Mr Hocking” her words echoed in the deserted subway. I was biting my lip nervously. I stared at the woman, she was dressed in a hand knitted jumper with a few holes in it. They looked to me like bullet holes. “Look I’m leaving” I said as I stood up, my knees popping like toy pistols. Suddenly her hand shot and firmly clasped onto my bicep. Her was as strong as a vice. “You’re in denial my young associate” she said dreamingly. Her stare was cold as the night air and truthful too. I sat down with a dull thud on the bench. “Why?” I said yielding to her persistence. “Do you have visions, do you fell strange?” she inquired. Her big blue eyes stared deep into mine. “I keep hearing a train and then…nothing…Just a train. She nodded like one of those bobbing head dogs. I decided to look down at the grimy cement floor. Her smile creeped me out. Her knowing smile. Then she laughed. It sent a cold shiver down my spine. “Your dead, never again will you see your family, dead, dead you silly fool” she cackled. Her long earrings swung rapidly back and forth. She clasped her hands together to try and stop her hysterics. I turned my gaze upwards hoping that this was some kind of horrible dream. “You’re a fool, a drunken idiot” the lady said with malicious laughter. She got up slowly holding the small of her back as if it may collapse on her. I watched her go. Her shabby coat looked like an oily rag in the distance. She continued to screech back at me “Murderer murderer!”
until she had disappeared. It seemed to me as if she just melted into nothingness before my very eyes. Like she was apparition. Deathly silence followed her departure. I coughed into my sleeve. Blood began to drip from my mouth. It splattered on the cement turning it a burnt red colour. My teeth felt like splinters digging into my tender gums. I was too fatigued to be surprised. I didn’t feel any feel pain. I spat my teeth out like peas. They clicked like pebbles on the cement. I felt behind my back. My spine was shattered and blood dripped from skull down my cheeks. I could smell the salty rusty aroma of my own blood as my body changed into a shattered corpse.
I slumped into the seat sighing, and that’s when you turned up to tell me I had been drunk and that I’d fell off into the tracks knocking a woman down with me instantly being killed by the passing train. You know what God? I miss being alive already.
THE END
I really do like this story, welldone on creating such an interesting storyline, but you have missed some simple punctuation at the beginning of the story such as(#FF0000 ">",)it wouldn't take long to correct and it's only those sorts of things. You just have to correct that and it would be the perfect short story. Thanks for writing such a terrific piece.
Iamyoursacrifice xxx
Hi!
I liked your story, it was captivating. Kind of grotesque with your vivid descriptions. 
I agree with most of the reviews that talk about grammar, punctuation, capitalization and things like that. However, I wondered if you would explain all the underlying motives of Mr. Hocking and the lady-ghost more clearly. For example, why did Mr. Hocking grab the lady when he was falling? Was it a natural instinct because somebody pushed him? Are both of the characters seeing visions of each other, if they are ghosts? As Karma pointed out, you kind of crammed all the revelations in the last paragraph. Maybe you could stretch out the story a little bit.
I also had a question about your voice in this story. I understand that its narrator is Mr. Hocking, but your voice intends that he is of a younger nature. I would say that the narrator is young, maybe a teenager, because of the metaphors you used. For example,
The sentences are contrasts of each other. What do you intend the character to be?tommyknocker wrote: Deathly silence followed her departure. I coughed into my sleeve. Blood began to drip from my mouth. It splattered on the cement turning it a burnt red colour.
Hey, it wasn't harsh. Thanks!
I wrote this for a competition a while back and it had to be under 500 words so that's why the ending may feel compact,abrupt and maybe anti-climatic?
But still thanks for the tips.
Hello! I'm Karma. Your story was very interesting, but it could use a little bit of help.
First: Nitpicks
You’re not here” the woman repeated, turning to face me. Her irises looked luminescent in the neon glow of the subway station, “you can’t be”
Who was this lunatic.
I didn’t feel any feel pain.
I spat my teeth out like peas. They clicked like pebbles...
I slumped into the seat sighing, and that’s when you turned up to tell me I had been drunk and that I’d fell off into the tracks knocking a woman down with me instantly being killed by the passing train. You know what God? I miss being alive already.
You show lots and lots of Promise, with a capital P. Keep writing!
Hm... interesting, interesting. I'm confused, but interested. But first off, there are a few grammatical problems in this. First of all, whenever you have dialogue by a different person, you need to start a new paragraph. Elsewise, it can be extremely confusing, like here. You use tags, but it still could do with a little spacing, so everything doesn't... blend together. You also need to read this out loud, to catch a few errors here and there, which do detract from the story. Make sure you insert a comma whenever there is a natural pause, as many commas seem conspicuously absent here. And finally, check to see you chose the right punctuation marks for certain places. I'm sure you will get it, if you just read it over again.
As for the prose itself, it is both efficient and confusing. You write well. It's not perfect, but it seems very good. But the narrative is a bit baffling. I get that she died, and that this is sort of a last vision, but other than that I'm lost. There's a lot of unanswered questions. Why does she not think she is dead, namely. And who is this person who slumps into the seat at the end? Has Mr. Hocking come alive again, in another sort of afterlife? Or is it the corpse? Or is Mr. Hocking just watching this happen? I know you know the answer, but it just isn't clear to the reader, and just makes them wonder "why?"
Maybe I'm missing something, but this piece seems to need a little more detail, to answer some questions that plague the reader. Working on the grammar would help a lot, too. Overall, you are a very good writer. But this story is the equivalent of the character waking up from a dream at the end. It seems tidy and nice, but it leaves more questions than answers. Think it through a bit.
Keep writing,
~Critiq
you have a really good vocabulary, im jealous haha
the sort of twist at the end, like the way you died and stuff was really good.
like you draw the reader in and theyre like "what the hell is going on?" haha
then the end reveals it all, really good
just a few mistakes with grammar though, look out for that
hope i helped!
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