Young Writers Society

I definitely like where this is going. This was a good idea for a book, and I'm glad you decided to act on it.

I would polish it off a little. Watch out especially for run-on sentences and missing punctuation.
I might also look into separating some of the bigger paragraphs into smaller ones, just because the smaller paragraphs would make it look a little (for lack of a better word) cleaner.

When you switched to reality for the first time, you only focused on what Aidan's Dad was saying. I think that you should space it out a little, maybe add actions to go with the words. If you had the Dad wringing his hands, or pulling out his hair, or even having Aidan's Mom wrapping him in a hug, they might work out. Even if you don't add actions, I think you should at least mention who is speaking.

Overall, you had a very good idea when you wrote this, and I'm sure that you'll be able to finish it well. Just make sure to space it out a little.
Keep up the good work!

Okay, so I am now declaring that you have to write a sequel. I really liked it and demand one! Anyway, now for the review part.

It was a very enjoyable and entertaining read. Honestly, I usually stray away from supernatural and horror stories because I usually don't enjoy them as much as other stories. But this was the exception. There are a few things that I noticed that might be best for the story to change.

1. There seem to be placed where you switch from past tense to present tense. Its a mistake that I do too sometimes. Such as in this instance:

"I wasn’t one of these things. My name is Aidan, and a couple of weeks ago I was a normal 14 year old boy, playing video games, talking to the hottest girl in school, I was popular, but there was something different about me, different to everyone else."

Up until this point you were using past tense, then all of a sudden switched to present tense with "My name is Aidan".

2. Also, I know that you have paragraphs, but I feel like they should be divided into smaller ones. For example:

I missed my mum, I missed my dad, I even missed my snot nosed little brother. I should be with them, not here; I’m not like these things. “Aidan!!” My head whipped around, no one was there. I was losing my head; my brain was being churned up, like a house in a tornado. “Aidan!!! AIDAN!!”, Oh my god my Dad was here, I was going to go back to my reality. “Dad! Help! I’m chained up”, I heard running as he appeared in the doorway, “Aidan what’s happening?”. “One of those things chained me up, it’s trying to take over my body, and we need to get out now”. He forced the chains off my ankles and picked up my frail body as he ran back out of the room. We ran towards our bodies, only to be thrown to the side, the demons, they had taken form. Standing up, I threw myself at my body as Dad incanted some form of Latin to hinder the demons from our bodies “Regna Terrae Cantata, Deo Psallite”. It’s funny I don’t remember Dad ever being able to speak Latin…. Darkness enveloped us.

In this paragraph, there is a lot of dialogue. Dialogue is very good in a story, but the start of every new person speaking should be a different paragraph. It would be more like:

I missed my mum, I missed my dad, I even missed my snot nosed little brother. I should be with them, not here; I’m not like these things. “Aidan!!” My head whipped around, no one was there. I was losing my head; my brain was being churned up, like a house in a tornado. “Aidan!!! AIDAN!!”, Oh my god my Dad was here, I was going to go back to my reality.
“Dad! Help! I’m chained up”, I heard running as he appeared in the doorway,
“Aidan what’s happening?”.

See what I mean?

3. There are also some grammar mistakes that you should be able to find and fix if you read through it carefully again.

4. There was also the point of view. It was a good idea to have it be told from Aiden's point of view, but then it seemed a little out of place when it switched to where his dad was. This is because, Aiden has no idea what is going on with his dad while he's trapped in The Forgotten.

Plot:
The plot was very good. As I said earlier, I usually stay away from supernatural and horror stories because they usually bore me. This was the exception. I really enjoyed almost everything about the plot, except that darned cliffhanger.

Characters:
The main character, Aiden, was very likeable. The way he spoke and told the story was really fun. We also saw his dad as being brave and smart (because who can learn Latin, another language and not have their own son notice?). I felt everything with Aiden, from the fear to the agony.

Presentation:
The presentation was good. I feel like it fit the story. Aiden telling the story, I think was a good point of view to pick. I also really liked the hook.

Overall Enjoyment:
This story kept me entertained and kept my eyes pealed on the screen. It was very good.

Favorite Part:

"I shouldn’t be here…

I didn’t belong here….

The Forgotten was not a place for people like me…."

Hey there, I see you are new to this, let me be one of the first to welcome you and review your work. I feel like reviewing is getting dead here. Overall, I love this!!! Please keep writing and turn this into a novel, I really liked how it ended as well, and I loved the description. It has a great supernatural vibe, and I am so looking forward to more, keep it up. Your style of writing is impressive, and I would love to have some prologue or back story to this, like where did the father learn all this, and where did these powers come from originally. This story has great potential.

Favorite part:
"A bright light shone in my eyes as I awoke, as if I was a blind person seeing the sun for the first time. I was back where I belonged, where I should stay forever. I embraced my mother and brother. Tears running down our faces, but where was Dad? “Dad where are you?”,“Oh there you are” I said as I walked into the kitchen. He was standing there, silently, holding a knife, “Oh dear boy you didn’t actually think your father defeated us and made it to his body did you?” he whispered, his voice was dead, matching the colour of his eyes, they looked like dead fish eyes…. Oh no… “MUUUUUM!!!!!”."

That was a bad ass ending!