Young Writers Society

Toast, this was laugh out loud funny. I don't know why, but I found it hilarious. There was, like, no feeling though. It was almost like a short story, or some type of really old country song. Have you ever heard "A Boy Named Sue?" I don't know who sings it, but Shel Silverstein wrote it. This poem made me think a lot of that song.

This was funny. The first verse is exactly what country songs are all about. Wife walks out, pet dies, singer grab a beer from the fridge and goes for a drive in his pick-up, etc., etc. It was a satire, right? On country songs? Well, good job for the most part on capturing the woe inspired by twangy-voiced country singers.

However (I won't mince words) your rhyming was pretty much terrible. You were doing alright until you got to the part about the cruise. What!? Where did that come from? It was a "desperation rhyme": what we all did in fifth and sixth grade when we couldn't think of a rhyming word for the last line, so we chucked in some totally random word. Don't do that. If you can't think of a rhyme right away, walk away from the poem and let it ferment in your mind for a while. Rhyming inspiration will strike, trust me.

Like kitty said, It's cute. But not something I'd submit for publication.

-Kylan

I found this mildly amusing and it has the potential to be hilarious if you work on your structure and content. First, it needs some punctuation and I think I'm going to do a line by line for this one...

My wife left me
My cat was hit by a car
Termites have devoured my guitar
So I sing this a capella
I'm a real sad fella [These sentences need to be linked together. I'd suggest -

My wife left me, you know.
Then my cat was hit by a car;
Termites devoured my guitar.
So here's a capella
About a real sad fella.

-so it's not perfect but can you see how the punctuation helps it flow better and it makes more sense.]

I lost my job
My house burnt down
I got mugged while I went into town
They even stole my shoes
Hey! I won a cruise!

I lost my job, my friends,
And then my house burnt down;
Got mugged in town.
They stole my brand new shoes
But I did win a cruise.

The ship sank
I'm on a raft in the dark
Someone just got ate by a shark
I'm gonna get eaten too
What am I gonna do?

[You switch to present tense in this one and then back to past. Also, the last two lines are really weak so you should probably re-think this stanza.]

We got saved, at last,
But now I'm in jail;
[s]There's[/s] No one to pay my bail.
I did not steal that car
Ok I did... but I wasn't going to go very far! [The second line needs to be shorter and ellipses are a bad idea where poetry is concerned.]

I am pathetic
What can I say?
Can you believe all of this happened in one day? [A rather unoriginal ending but fitting and humorous.]

Altogether, it's rather rough and, even if it isn't a serious poem, it needs some work but it's nice. It's cute and that's a good start.

*I* thought it was funny. I really did laugh out loud at the last lines.

Welcome to the site!

Lol, I thought it was amusing, although kind of sloppy. I agree with what Claud said, but again, I was amused.

If your purpose was to amuse, good job. If you...er...were really attempting to write a country song...heh heh...try again.

*goes off chuckling into a corner*

Yours truly,

Ok that's cool. I'm not trying to make an excuse or anything, but they were saved... it kind of said. ANYWAY, thankeths for the comments. =D

Uhm, yes. I'm not sure if you were being serious either.


What I believe Pol was trying to say about the rhyming is that it's too forced, and too obvious. Some of your lines are written solely to continue the rhyme rather than to add to the poem, and that is no good.

The poem also is kind of scattered, it doesn't follow a straight line of events, or anything... But based on the title I can assume this is meant to be a mock For that, you did so-so. I don't listen to country much, but if you were going to mock it, you could have done a lot better. If it weren't for the title, I would have just assumed you wrote a very odd poem.

This isn't much of a poem--but ah--to each his own?

TOAST!!! Okay... I'm not sure if this was suppose to be funny poetry or serious. It came to me as without much feeling. It had some good funnyness in it but that was really it for me.

No offense but the ryhms were kinda weak... If that makes sense. Uh, I thought the end was really predictable and I totoally fell sorry for that poor man. He got eaten by a shark but was saved and put in jail? Huh?

Plaese still be my friend...

~Pol